Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents"

In my last blog, I discussed the role of misandry in shaping the female matriarch’s perception of men. This perception influences their behavior. I will say one thing though. There is a lot of splitting in how they would view men. This can be seen in how they perceive their father, husband, and even their own sons.

Much of it is compartmentalized. For instance, they categorize all men as bad. This initially applies particularly to men who are of no relation. Then they would see their husband/spouse as a model citizen. They view them as upstanding and having the perfect marriage with them. Yet, behind closed doors, there are many problems, tension, and dissatisfaction between themselves and the spouse.

If the husband is just as toxic and dysfunctional, they never confide to anyone about this. Not even to close family or friends. So no one suspects anything is wrong except their children. The matriarch narcissist will brush this aside. She will encourage them not to tell outsiders. They are urged to keep the image fitting the narrative of the narcissistic nuclear family. They mold their sons into the perfect gentleman. They dictate that the sons have to be a certain way. They must not be like the other ‘bad men’ out there. Indirectly, she scapegoat their sons by seeing them as the problem and not her difficult husband. She imposes that they change their behavior, their friendship groups, and their interests.

The contradiction in this situation means the matriarch narcissist fails to demand the same behavior from her husband. He is just as much a narcissist as she is. In fact, in this type of marriage, they team up in a dysfunctional way. They scapegoat their own sons by treating them as if they’re grown adult men. They set expectations inappropriately. This would also involve treating them differently, depending on their personalities. This involves a lot of splitting. One son can be difficult in general. Still, as long as he is obedient to her, the former does not matter. Another son or even a relative like a nephew appears to be very easygoing. She fails to see that because he can see through the facade and manipulation. So, he would be a scapegoat by her labeling him as difficult, rebellious and head strong. Further associating him with bad men.

This model is very unsustainable and does not last over time. For one, the matriarch’s illusion of the so-called ‘perfect’ husband cracks. Like most narcissists, he gets worse over time. His behavior is exposed to all around them through incidents like imprisonment, infidelity, and being irresponsible with money. The matriarch narcissist infantilize younger male relatives. She latches onto those same people. They can be either sons or nephews. This happens when her marital life becomes more questionable and chaotic. She seeks their help be it financial or emotional support. The roles have reversed. Now the spouse is seen as incompetent. Even if still married, the matriarch narcissist would portray herself as a de-facto ‘single mother’. This is just to gain sympathy and see herself as the victim.

Ultimately, with all of her actions, she seeks to create a male scapegoat. She causes triangulation and division. A father and son turn on each other. More commonly, brothers start to turn on each other. They scapegoat each other. They fail to pin the blame on the Matriarch narcissist, who was the main instigator.