Tag: #NarcissismAwareness

You weren’t raised by good people, but also not by bad people

It is a tough realization when you get older to look back on the past. It is on a case-by-case basis, but for some of us, it was good, bad, or somewhere in between, with a mix of both. For a lot of us who suddenly started to see a shift where parents became toxic, it is a stark contrast between when we were infants, toddlers, little kids, until we were teenagers and young adults. This is where there was a shift, and it can seem that it defined everything in your life, but it didn’t.

If you’re reading this, this means you probably overcame it by being a better man, but most importantly, a better person. I remember years back, when I encountered various people who would always comment on how I came from a good family. In my head, I used to laugh a bit and wonder if only they knew. In reality, it means you were around toxic people, but you did not let that stop you, and it is not the defining factor of your story. This means they didn’t really raise you because you had to ignore all the toxicity, but also to trust your own judgement and to practically raise yourself.

1st May 2026

#Growth, #Healing, #Identity, #Maturity, #NarcissismAwareness, #Patterns, #Scapegoat
The Use of Proxies and Children to Bypass Sovereignty

You have done the tough part. You have cut off all toxic and narcissistic family members. You have set clear boundaries. You have a life free from their negative influence and behaviors. Then, suddenly, a new variable is introduced. It is the new additions, the future generation.

This would involve when you decide to have children. Also, the future children of other family members, like siblings and cousins. Since you became wise to their games and manipulation trips, they have lost leverage over you. Since they become volatile over time, they burn bridges that are very hard to reinstate. The next default setting is to make attempts by gaining access to you via a proxy. It is very much like how they would use flying monkeys to gather information from you. If they can’t hoover you back in, they use children as a way to dangle candy your way. It would involve getting back in contact with you to announce that someone is expecting. You would hear their fake excitement when they announce that you’re going to be an uncle. Another tactic they use is to pry into your own life and find out if you have any children.

As harsh as this sounds, the best thing to do is to ignore it. They show you pregnancy scans and newborn pictures to try to get you back. They’re trying to use a fake moral compass; surely no one will ignore a newborn baby. They see this as a way to get back into your life. It is not genuine. Besides, the newborn baby has no agency. They can mold them to whatever they want. It is like how they were brought up and became who they are, unfortunately.

17th Feb 2026

#Agency, #BlackSheep, #Boundaries, #Generations, #Healing, #Intergeneration, #NarcissismAwareness, #NoContact, #Proxies, #Toxic
The ‘Fake Patriarchy’ is really a Matriarchy

At first, I believed this scenario was unique to me and quite rare. But knowing that I am not the only one has helped me connect more of the dots. It has allowed me to make peace with and make sense of the situation. I used to be infuriated by this, as I felt that I had been sold a big, contradicting lie. This past weekend, a deep conversation with a friend gave me much to think about. Since we are of the same background, we assumed the Dad leads the household. We believed he was the primary provider. But in typical narcissist style, the opposite is always the truth.

The narcissistic/toxic father likes to portray a superhuman, god-like existence. It conveys an image of someone who is very tough-minded, strong, and competent. It looks like someone with good character, grounded, protective, and principled. While they initially show these qualities, in reality, it is a facade. This is because the ultimate intention is control and to look superior in front of their spouse and children. If a man possesses and demonstrates these characteristics, surely he’s considered a decent human being. Others wouldn’t suspect that something more sinister is happening in the background.

The narcissist father frames the patriarchy to excuse domestic abuse of the spouse. He justifies infidelity and uses fear tactics. Intimidation is his method with his children. This is sending a message to his sons of what ‘patriarchy’ is and conditions them to tolerate this. It creates a fantasy.

Soon, it becomes just that, a fake fantasy that becomes very unstable and dysfunctional. It is not a surprise if you think about this in hindsight. Over time, narcissists get worse and more self-destructive with age. The narcissistic father is no exception. The web of lies catches up quickly. The violence and volatile affairs can lead to serious danger. They can also cause legal issues. As a result, the father’s status collapses. His reputation is damaged in their social circle. He experiences career damage and a loss of confidence.

This then means that the extremely co-dependent wife is at times the sole earner. She tries to keep everything together. You would think that, as the patriarch, he would be ashamed of this. Instead, it becomes a tool of exploitation. He becomes a docile tyrant. He is not capable of providing as before. Yet, he still demands to be the main gatekeeper in the household. He insists on making financial decisions that he is no longer in a position to make. At this stage, it is no longer a patriarchy. It is more of a matriarchy because the wife tries to hold everything together. The foundations are shaky. It is a very conflicting experience because the wife feels more like a mother instead of a wife. From my personal experience, they also would feel like a single parent.

The narcissistic father’s spouse is ‘the head of the house through labor and servitude. Yet, they are not the true head. They do the heavy lifting but do not have the final say. Also, the narcissistic father takes no accountability or responsibility for their actions. This is not a patriarchy. As a result, the father loses the respect from their sons. He becomes a contrast to the man he portrayed himself to be during their childhood. This was no longer a nuclear family built on patriarchy. Instead, it collapsed and became a matriarchy with no boundaries or substance.

10th Feb 2026

#Boundaries, #Ego, #Facade, #FalseSelf, #Malignant, #Matriarchy, #Morals, #NarcissismAwareness, #Narcissist, #Patriarchy, #SelfEsteem, #Values, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissist, relationships
Respect Is The Goal, Regardless of The Consequences

Respect for oneself is key to inspiring others to do the same for you. It makes a lot of logical sense. Unfortunately, not everyone would see it that way. No matter how you carry yourself, there will still be individuals who do not respect you.

A big mistake many male black sheep make is trying to gain approval from toxic family members. They have a strong wish to be liked. For nearly half my life, I was a big culprit of this. I realized I was operating from a faulty, dysfunctional system. Not only does it result in getting less approval, but also less respect. You see, in a toxic narcissistic family, the goal is to keep you on a hamster wheel. Always running but with no clear purpose. The goal is for them to justify respecting you less while your own self-respect slips away. This is very unsustainable.

The outcome is to gain your self-respect. Even if toxic individuals don’t want to admit it, they will have to respect you. You convey this through your demeanor and outlook. Narcissistic individuals also behave like children and teenagers. When you have a strong, self-respecting adult frame, you’re sending that message out. It also means you’re showing that you deserve respect. This sounds bad, but you have to use their own logic against them. They have an unreasonable sense of entitlement, so you have to beat them by exuding and commanding respect.

It does not matter if you’re perceived as a bad person. The keyword is ‘perceived’; it is not how you’re, but this is how they would want to frame it. You will get people who would consider you bad or unreasonable. But, gaining more respect can come at a price to reputation. Overall, it does not really matter. In this scenario, it is better to be seen as ‘bad’ and respected. It is preferable to be seen as ‘good’ and without being shown respect.

6th Feb 2026

#Boundaries, #Gaslighting, #Healing, #Honor, #Masculinity, #NarcissismAwareness, #NarcissisticAbuse, #Respect, #Scapegoat, #SelfEsteem, #SelfRespect, #Strength, boundaries, healing, Mental Health, personal-growth, relationships
Devalue The Dysfunction

“Devalue” can be seen as an ugly word dealing with a narcissistic family. This is because it is weaponized against you. It isn’t just meant to make you feel bad and to demonize you as a man. It is also made to feel that your development and growth as a man is wrong and disruptive.

I want to clarify that this is factually incorrect. You are just being yourself. You are not part of the dysfunction going on. They devalued you because they need you in a certain role. This role supports the illusion in the narcissistic family. Since you do not comply, it sends an immediate threat, which makes them perceive you as dangerous. You should accept the devaluing behavior, as this means you’re probably doing something right. At first, if you’re very young, it does not make sense. Still, it will gradually make sense later on as you mature through establishing your own moral code.

Instead, you should avoid playing into the games. Call out the dysfunctional behavior for what it is, whether it is hypocrisy or boundary violations. It reduces the guilt that they try to plant in your head. Over time, you become an expert in devaluing dysfunction. This skill can be applied when you are on a date. It is useful during a meeting. It is also beneficial when in a group with other people.

I will conclude this post by reminding you to ‘value those who value you. At the same time, devalue those who devalue you. The latter just implies you indirectly highlighted their weakness.

20th Jan 2026

#Belief, #Boundaries, #Confidence, #Devalue, #Healing, #Maturity, #Narcissism, #NarcissismAwareness, #Principles, #Values
The ‘Good Boy’ Scapegoat

I made a video last week. In it, I discussed the concept that being a male scapegoat is not always assigned at birth. It can happen at different ages and stages of life. I came across a page on Instagram run by a young woman from West Africa. She had a post on her page featuring a caption about the ‘Good Girl’ concept. It was written about growing up with the expectation of being seen as ‘perfect’. It encouraged staying out of trouble, avoiding risks, and discouraging stepping outside their comfort zone.

I thought about this for a while, which included my own past experiences and also the last video I did. It made a great deal of sense. In general, I think the current generation of men is pushed in a very narrow direction. The days when you could simply be your natural self as a boy are over. You can’t just fall over, dust yourself off, and try again. Yet, healthy parents realize that this is necessary to help boys become well-rounded, competent, and resilient men. This is also a standard to be instilled in all children in a household.

In contrast, the narcissistic household thinks differently and instead creates triangulation by treating their sons differently very early on. They let some of their children get away with everything, or have different standards. They pick a rebel who they need to constantly tame and make them follow their every demand. Some sons get treated as future cash cows. But there is a particular type of son, whom they want to turn into a ‘Good Boy.’ This is like pre-scapegoating but in reverse.

Since narcissistic parents like control, they try to create a god-like, prophet-like persona of their son. They don’t want them to experience growth and be strong. Rather, they wish them to be at the mercy of their whims. They do not even know who that son really is, including their interests and outlook on life. Still, they act like a higher power has disappointed them. As a result, they scapegoat this son when he decides not to follow the strict path. Those first 10 or 20 years of his life become a distant memory. Parents struggle to reconcile their son’s true self.

13th Jan 2026

#BlackSheep, #Codependency, #Manipulation, #Masculinity, #Narcissism, #NarcissismAwareness, #NarcissisticAbuse, #NiceGuySyndrome, #Scapegoat, #Triangulation, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic-abuse, relationships
Narcissistic/Toxic Language of ‘Help’

This is a slight expansion on my YouTube video from Tuesday. It touches on something I have observed a lot in the past. I think it deserves more than a video on it. It is the idea of narcissistic people and helping. All of them do this to a certain degree, but they do it in very cryptic and unique ways. They do this to get what they want, which is people to admire them and think that they’re good people. The reasons are much darker in the context of very close relationships. This includes relationships with family and very close friends.

They do this to exert control, to make you doubt yourself and your capabilities. It is also to show that you’re a constant burden that needs their help forever. In terms of being a male who is scapegoated, it is used to undermine your growing development. For instance, the ‘help’ they offered you as a child was less intense. Sometimes, it was completely non-existent. This isn’t a surprise, as these types of people only care about themselves. But, in some contexts, as you grow into a man, they suddenly want to be more involved. They also want to be more helpful as you become independent. On other occasions, they make this into a big deal, and it’s something you’re indebted to them forever. I will explain next how they do this.

Firstly, they do this through a covert method, which I have called ‘ The Infantilizing Soft Dominance’. This is where a narcissistic family member tries to interfere with your life and give unsolicited advice. They try to help you with simple tasks or situations that you could easily do yourself. There is also a condescending mother-like tone that they use. Within this context, it is usually an older female family member. For example, a mom, grandma, or aunt. In some other cases, it can also be a male in your life who acts like this. They often have more covert narcissistic traits and can include people like a sibling or a close friend. The common denominator with all these people is that their behaviors are driven by low self-esteem. They also have a need to feel important and wanted. That’s why it’s best to calmly and clearly assert boundaries against these types of people.

The next way their ‘help’ is expressed is what I call ‘The Burdened Martyrdom Trap’. They do help, but it is often when you ask for it. When they do offer to help, they do want you to ‘smell the exhaust’ of their effort. They would even insist on helping even if you decide to decline later on. They do express their displeasure by showing a short temper, heavy sighing, and grunting. There is also a discipline-like tone with these types of people. For example, think of an emotionally abusive father, an unhelpful manager at work, or a strict sports coach. They like to hang the concept of ‘help’ over your head. It feels like you owe them for life, regardless of how they treat you. They also like to try to emasculate you. These types of people easily smell weakness and exploit it. They’re operating on a level of insecurity, resentment, and internal emotional battles they’re unwilling to face. I say it is best to fully stand up for yourself, even if it looks like you’re being mean. Nonetheless, the smarter choice is to avoid this type at all costs.

The next scenario is what I call

9th Jan 2026

#Authenticity, #Boundaries, #Healing, #Help, #MaleScapegoat, #NarcissismAwareness, #Narcissist, #NarcissisticAbuse, #SelfEsteem, #SelfLove, #Strength, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic-abuse, relationships
The Patriarchal Scapegoat: How Matriarchal Narcissists Weaponize Masculinity

In my last blog, I discussed the role of misandry in shaping the female matriarch’s perception of men. This perception influences their behavior. I will say one thing though. There is a lot of splitting in how they would view men. This can be seen in how they perceive their father, husband, and even their own sons.

Much of it is compartmentalized. For instance, they categorize all men as bad. This initially applies particularly to men who are of no relation. Then they would see their husband/spouse as a model citizen. They view them as upstanding and having the perfect marriage with them. Yet, behind closed doors, there are many problems, tension, and dissatisfaction between themselves and the spouse.

If the husband is just as toxic and dysfunctional, they never confide to anyone about this. Not even to close family or friends. So no one suspects anything is wrong except their children. The matriarch narcissist will brush this aside. She will encourage them not to tell outsiders. They are urged to keep the image fitting the narrative of the narcissistic nuclear family. They mold their sons into the perfect gentleman. They dictate that the sons have to be a certain way. They must not be like the other ‘bad men’ out there. Indirectly, she scapegoat their sons by seeing them as the problem and not her difficult husband. She imposes that they change their behavior, their friendship groups, and their interests.

The contradiction in this situation means the matriarch narcissist fails to demand the same behavior from her husband. He is just as much a narcissist as she is. In fact, in this type of marriage, they team up in a dysfunctional way. They scapegoat their own sons by treating them as if they’re grown adult men. They set expectations inappropriately. This would also involve treating them differently, depending on their personalities. This involves a lot of splitting. One son can be difficult in general. Still, as long as he is obedient to her, the former does not matter. Another son or even a relative like a nephew appears to be very easygoing. She fails to see that because he can see through the facade and manipulation. So, he would be a scapegoat by her labeling him as difficult, rebellious and head strong. Further associating him with bad men.

This model is very unsustainable and does not last over time. For one, the matriarch’s illusion of the so-called ‘perfect’ husband cracks. Like most narcissists, he gets worse over time. His behavior is exposed to all around them through incidents like imprisonment, infidelity, and being irresponsible with money. The matriarch narcissist infantilize younger male relatives. She latches onto those same people. They can be either sons or nephews. This happens when her marital life becomes more questionable and chaotic. She seeks their help be it financial or emotional support. The roles have reversed. Now the spouse is seen as incompetent. Even if still married, the matriarch narcissist would portray herself as a de-facto ‘single mother’. This is just to gain sympathy and see herself as the victim.

Ultimately, with all of her actions, she seeks to create a male scapegoat. She causes triangulation and division. A father and son turn on each other. More commonly, brothers start to turn on each other. They scapegoat each other. They fail to pin the blame on the Matriarch narcissist, who was the main instigator.

7th Nov 2025

#Co-depedency, #Matriarchy, #Misandry, #Narcissism, #NarcissismAwareness, #NPD, #Patriarchy, #Relationships, #Scapegoat, #Siblings, #Sons
Behind the Mask: It’s all an illusion
How Narcissistic Family Systems Use Roles — and Why the Male Scapegoat Breaks the Spell

Halloween is the one time of year the world celebrates masks.
But for those raised in narcissistic families, masks are a daily reality — and they’re not for fun.

These family systems operate through illusion, performance, and control.
Every member is assigned a role, and stepping outside that role threatens the whole façade.

Common roles include:
- The Golden Child – the “perfect” projection
- The Scapegoat – the truth-teller, blamed and punished
- Flying Monkeys – enforcers of the illusion
- The Narcissistic Parent(s) – the director of the performance
Everyone is wearing a mask…
Except the scapegoat.

And that is precisely why he becomes the threat.

🎭 The Role You Refused to Play

Narcissistic families don’t want individuals.
They want mirrors, obedience, and emotional labor.

The scapegoat isn’t rejected because he is flawed —
He is rejected because he refuses to submit to a lie.

He won’t:
✅ perform for approval
✅ shrink himself for others’ comfort
✅ feed the fantasy
✅ abandon his identity
✅ be the emotional sacrifice forever

They don’t punish you for being weak.
They punish you because you were strong enough not to be controlled.

👻 When You Take Off the Mask

Once you stop performing and begin to break free:
- You set boundaries
- You choose independence
- You focus on your identity and purpose
- You stop chasing people who don’t see your worth
- You embrace self-respect over people-pleasing
The illusion collapses.

And when the mask slips, they panic.
Not because you harmed them —
but because you saw through them.

Your truth threatens their fiction.

🕯️ Light Always Terrifies Shadows

These families only hold power when everyone cooperates with the illusion.

When you step away from the role, you expose the truth:

They were never what they pretended to be.

Your healing is their loss of control.
Your boundaries are their defeat.
Your freedom is the only closure you ever needed.

You didn’t lose a family.
You escaped a performance.

🎬 Closing

This Halloween, remember:

Some monsters don’t wear costumes.
They wear masks.

And your greatest act of rebellion
was taking yours off first.

📌 Part 2 Coming Next Friday

Stay tuned for the continuation — and watch my related video on YouTube @SonintheShadows.
31st Oct 2025

#Consciousness, #Dark, #Energy, #Evil, #Fake, #Good, #Halloween, #Illusions, #Light, #Mask, #Narcissism, #NarcissismAwareness, #Scapeogoat, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissistic-abuse, relationships
When the Mirror Refuses to Reflect: Why Male Scapegoats Face Harsher Treatment

In narcissistic families, the scapegoat role is rarely about fairness — it’s about control.
Traditionally, people assume the family resents the scapegoat because he displays traits they secretly wish they had: confidence, strength, independence. And yes, that’s part of the story. But there’s another, often-overlooked reason: the scapegoat refuses to show the illusion they’ve built for themselves.

For a male scapegoat, this rejection can feel even more dangerous to them. In their world, you’re not supposed to have boundaries. You’re supposed to bend. You should smooth over conflict. You are expected to protect the family image at your own expense. When you stop doing that, you start to say “no.” You start to focus on your own needs without guilt. You’re no longer a safe mirror for their ego.

And that’s when the claws come out.

It’s not always about you being “difficult.” It’s about you no longer being useful to the fantasy they’re selling themselves and everyone else. A male scapegoat who stops people-pleasing becomes an uncomfortable reminder that real self-respect doesn’t depend on constant approval. You become proof that you can survive — even thrive — without their validation.

They don’t just lose control over you. They lose the comfort of the illusion that everyone buys into their version of reality. And instead of respecting your independence, they double down — harsher words, more subtle jabs, sometimes outright smear campaigns.

But here’s the truth they don’t want you to realize. Once you’ve broken free from the role, you can’t be put back in it. This only happens if you choose to step back in. Standing firm is an act they can’t bear to witness. This includes setting boundaries, saying no, and protecting your mental space.

8th Aug 2025

relationships, healing, life, #NarcissismAwareness, #MaleScapegoat, #Boundaries, #BlackSheep, #Recovery, #Covert, #BreakingFree, #Confidence, #HealthySelfishness, #Identity, #PeoplePleasing, #Relationships