We always encounter people in life, whether they’re teachers, parents, or bosses, who see the worst in us no matter what we do. They assume we have bad intentions and are always on the wrong side of life. For some men coming from narcissistic families, this is very common and almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, this is actually freeing because you know where you stand with them. This means you have no obligation to please or to pander to their good side. This makes it much easier to defend yourself. But if you are always seen as all-good by a toxic family, then it makes it much harder to defend yourself. I will explain how this works next.
Initially, if you naturally have traits like high empathy, agreeableness, and kindness, it will be used as leverage against you. This means that you can never say no; you can’t disagree or have your own agenda. It puts you into an unfair category where you have to be a ‘good’ man and get everything right. There is simply no room for error. What other people do in a narcissistic family is always overlooked, but because you have the ‘all-good’ label, it will instantly be demonized. What makes this so insidious is that it takes a while for it to click that it is a big problem in your life. It makes things harder and affects other areas in life, like decision-making and taking calculated risks. It also turns you into an emotional slave for people who do not deserve it.
I would say the best approach is to take a middle ground. You don’t have to try too hard to be good, but only exclusively for people where trust and respect are mutual. For people where that is the opposite, it doesn’t matter if they think you’re bad. They should think that because most of the time it means you have strong boundaries and they have no choice but to respect you. In healthy relationships, being good to someone and being respected go hand in hand. Unfortunately, in narcissistic families, they repel each other due to black-and-white thinking.
A trait that I have quickly observed from female narcissists and other toxic types of women is the fact that they want to have things both ways. This becomes apparent later on down the line when they get into a long-term marriage and have kids.
Similar to their male counterparts, they are extremely superficial and overbearing, yet they have certain characteristics they want a man to possess. Since they have a vain outlook, they would want a man who can provide for them in every way, a man with status, amongst other things. It is not that other women do not do this; they surely do, albeit these women tend to be more grounded and realistic. However, I have noticed that they still want them to function in a very feminine way. It is a huge contradiction because it is like they want two very different things. But within the context of female narcissists, this makes sense. For instance, they have a very complicated relationship with male figures and authority. This is because a lot of them had a very difficult relationship earlier in life with their father or equivalent and male siblings. In other circumstances, they had a complete lack of this. This explains the paradox. Some female narcissists would have lofty and unrealistic expectations of men to compensate for what they lacked. On the other hand, wanting men to cater to their idea of a ‘man’ due to negative early interactions.
I find that a lot of female narcissists tend to take on a masculine demeanor as a way to dominate men, so having a man or even raising a young boy who has the exact same demeanor would cause huge conflicts. So instead, they would want the men in their lives to yield to them, always agreeable to their whims, and to have their main interactions with them. This is why they become very jealous and paranoid of other women and other outside influences that a romantic partner has. They act similarly to sons by being jealous of friends and their own romantic partners.
But since we’re humans, we adhere to our natural tendencies, so a female narcissist may try to instil feminine traits in men in their lives but also act more condescending and disrespectful to them. The ironic thing is that the same things that female narcissists want are the same things they mock. They would laugh behind a romantic partner’s back or patronize their son. In reality, they despise and are ashamed of a lot of these characteristics in themselves, so they resort to projection.
I can definitely say that male narcissists do the same and for similar reasons to their female counterparts. Stay tuned for the next blog this Friday, where I discuss this.
It is one of those things where it is hard to call out straight away and determine whether it is malicious or just helpful advice. In a narcissistic family, if you physically grow, get older, start a new venture or job, these are opportunities for parents and sometimes siblings and extended family to ‘humble’ you. This is done by putting thoughts in your mind, indirectly conveying that you don’t have much experience or that what you’re planning won’t work because it didn’t work for them. It is presented as ‘just looking out for you’ or guiding you.
However, this is not the case, as it is used to undermine you and to put doubts in your head that you’re not knowledgeable enough or not experienced enough to pursue certain decisions. If you disagree that they indirectly portray you as ignorant.
This is not always from family; it can be from colleagues, friends, and acquaintances. In my experience, it is a similar situation to the above; you change something about yourself or take on a new challenge, and it follows the same pattern of talking you out of it or being passive-aggressive. In most instances, it is used in a condescending way to make you less confident. But remember, the main reason that they do this is because of envy and low self-esteem. If you were in a stagnant situation, then these behaviours would not be present. Also, if you used to be a certain way, they are more comfortable and accustomed to that old version, and when you change, it is more of a humbling experience for them since it reminds them of their lack of growth.
The way to deal with people like this is to assert boundaries straight away and to call out the behaviour for what it is, even if it causes offence. A lot of scapegoated men have had to do a lot of work on themselves, so allowing these behaviors to slide constantly is not helpful for the man you’re becoming. A better and healthier way is to reduce contact with these people. The constant defending yourself becomes tiring. This is something I used to do. I always used to think I had to make my point and put them in their place. It is helpful only to do briefly and then to disengage permanently.
Respect for oneself is key to inspiring others to do the same for you. It makes a lot of logical sense. Unfortunately, not everyone would see it that way. No matter how you carry yourself, there will still be individuals who do not respect you.
A big mistake many male black sheep make is trying to gain approval from toxic family members. They have a strong wish to be liked. For nearly half my life, I was a big culprit of this. I realized I was operating from a faulty, dysfunctional system. Not only does it result in getting less approval, but also less respect. You see, in a toxic narcissistic family, the goal is to keep you on a hamster wheel. Always running but with no clear purpose. The goal is for them to justify respecting you less while your own self-respect slips away. This is very unsustainable.
The outcome is to gain your self-respect. Even if toxic individuals don’t want to admit it, they will have to respect you. You convey this through your demeanor and outlook. Narcissistic individuals also behave like children and teenagers. When you have a strong, self-respecting adult frame, you’re sending that message out. It also means you’re showing that you deserve respect. This sounds bad, but you have to use their own logic against them. They have an unreasonable sense of entitlement, so you have to beat them by exuding and commanding respect.
It does not matter if you’re perceived as a bad person. The keyword is ‘perceived’; it is not how you’re, but this is how they would want to frame it. You will get people who would consider you bad or unreasonable. But, gaining more respect can come at a price to reputation. Overall, it does not really matter. In this scenario, it is better to be seen as ‘bad’ and respected. It is preferable to be seen as ‘good’ and without being shown respect.
Being a male scapegoat, it is easy to think that growing up in this environment would have subpar living standards. One might always assume it would be in a state of poverty or crisis. This is not the case at all. Some individuals do grow up in hard situations. But many guys in this dysfunctional scenario often grow up in comfortable and sometimes affluent backgrounds.
This is the main point I want to get across in this post. Living luxuriously or coming from a lot of money just prolongs being around narcissistic and toxic parents. First of all, most people would assume you were provided with good clothes. They would think you attended a nice school and had an abundance of material possessions. But a lot of narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves, which isn’t a surprise. Narcissistic fathers see their sons as extensions of themselves. Sons are the ones to carry the family name, so they expect them to be a particular way. This is especially the case if the father is a high-profile man.
Behind the glamorous life, nice home, and good family image, the son suffers silently. This occurs because they’re not given room to be themselves. They only serve their parents and, in some cases, their siblings. How can someone appreciate a good life if they’re also not allowed to prosper internally? For those who do not know what really goes on, this would be seen as ungrateful. Then again, I could ask, how could such a son manage to navigate the real world? How can he grow and learn when they’re constantly spoon-fed? The result is you don’t have a man who has grown. Instead, you have someone who is internally stuck as a child despite outwardly appearing as a full-grown man.
This is also why the more financially successful and wholesome a narcissistic family appears, the worse they can sometimes be. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. They’re the perfect example of ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’. So remember this: what may look good to others on the outside can also hide the realities faced.
I made a video last week. In it, I discussed the concept that being a male scapegoat is not always assigned at birth. It can happen at different ages and stages of life. I came across a page on Instagram run by a young woman from West Africa. She had a post on her page featuring a caption about the ‘Good Girl’ concept. It was written about growing up with the expectation of being seen as ‘perfect’. It encouraged staying out of trouble, avoiding risks, and discouraging stepping outside their comfort zone.
I thought about this for a while, which included my own past experiences and also the last video I did. It made a great deal of sense. In general, I think the current generation of men is pushed in a very narrow direction. The days when you could simply be your natural self as a boy are over. You can’t just fall over, dust yourself off, and try again. Yet, healthy parents realize that this is necessary to help boys become well-rounded, competent, and resilient men. This is also a standard to be instilled in all children in a household.
In contrast, the narcissistic household thinks differently and instead creates triangulation by treating their sons differently very early on. They let some of their children get away with everything, or have different standards. They pick a rebel who they need to constantly tame and make them follow their every demand. Some sons get treated as future cash cows. But there is a particular type of son, whom they want to turn into a ‘Good Boy.’ This is like pre-scapegoating but in reverse.
Since narcissistic parents like control, they try to create a god-like, prophet-like persona of their son. They don’t want them to experience growth and be strong. Rather, they wish them to be at the mercy of their whims. They do not even know who that son really is, including their interests and outlook on life. Still, they act like a higher power has disappointed them. As a result, they scapegoat this son when he decides not to follow the strict path. Those first 10 or 20 years of his life become a distant memory. Parents struggle to reconcile their son’s true self.
This is a slight expansion on my YouTube video from Tuesday. It touches on something I have observed a lot in the past. I think it deserves more than a video on it. It is the idea of narcissistic people and helping. All of them do this to a certain degree, but they do it in very cryptic and unique ways. They do this to get what they want, which is people to admire them and think that they’re good people. The reasons are much darker in the context of very close relationships. This includes relationships with family and very close friends.
They do this to exert control, to make you doubt yourself and your capabilities. It is also to show that you’re a constant burden that needs their help forever. In terms of being a male who is scapegoated, it is used to undermine your growing development. For instance, the ‘help’ they offered you as a child was less intense. Sometimes, it was completely non-existent. This isn’t a surprise, as these types of people only care about themselves. But, in some contexts, as you grow into a man, they suddenly want to be more involved. They also want to be more helpful as you become independent. On other occasions, they make this into a big deal, and it’s something you’re indebted to them forever. I will explain next how they do this.
Firstly, they do this through a covert method, which I have called ‘ The Infantilizing Soft Dominance’. This is where a narcissistic family member tries to interfere with your life and give unsolicited advice. They try to help you with simple tasks or situations that you could easily do yourself. There is also a condescending mother-like tone that they use. Within this context, it is usually an older female family member. For example, a mom, grandma, or aunt. In some other cases, it can also be a male in your life who acts like this. They often have more covert narcissistic traits and can include people like a sibling or a close friend. The common denominator with all these people is that their behaviors are driven by low self-esteem. They also have a need to feel important and wanted. That’s why it’s best to calmly and clearly assert boundaries against these types of people.
The next way their ‘help’ is expressed is what I call ‘The Burdened Martyrdom Trap’. They do help, but it is often when you ask for it. When they do offer to help, they do want you to ‘smell the exhaust’ of their effort. They would even insist on helping even if you decide to decline later on. They do express their displeasure by showing a short temper, heavy sighing, and grunting. There is also a discipline-like tone with these types of people. For example, think of an emotionally abusive father, an unhelpful manager at work, or a strict sports coach. They like to hang the concept of ‘help’ over your head. It feels like you owe them for life, regardless of how they treat you. They also like to try to emasculate you. These types of people easily smell weakness and exploit it. They’re operating on a level of insecurity, resentment, and internal emotional battles they’re unwilling to face. I say it is best to fully stand up for yourself, even if it looks like you’re being mean. Nonetheless, the smarter choice is to avoid this type at all costs.
Once I started to become more aware, I noticed something strange. It was happening very subtly, but it started to click. There were certain rules everyone had to abide by. If you were the scapegoat, then the rules automatically applied, especially if you strongly resisted certain demands. Even though it sounds messed up and dysfunctional, it made sense because the narcissistic family acts like a cult. It followed the same patterns as a radical religious or political movement.
Then suddenly, it switches and then the rules are pulled from under the rug. Whether it was an action, lifestyle decision or your demeanor, what was once a rule for the scapegoat changes. It is viewed differently when someone else does it and then the rule no longer applies. This behavior is classic of a main narcissist. It is all an illusion. Imposing rules is used as a control mechanism rather than upholding a tradition. A lot of the times, they manipulate rules under the guise of culture. Over you learn the rules were also there to dedicate and decide the roles different family members have.
I saw this once. It makes you care less about what they think. It also makes you not take them seriously at all. I learnt over time something important. If people have certain demands or standards for you, check if those same standards are applied to others. This is crucial in places like a family, friendship group, workplace, or membership club. If they aren’t, just ignore this. Even, if it applies to others, it still doesn’t mean it applies to you. We’re all individuals.
If you grew up as the male scapegoat in a family led by female narcissists—especially a mother and other key women exhibiting extreme misandry (hatred/contempt for the masculine role)—you lived in an impossible reality.
This family system is a paradox built on a lie: the belief that all men are either dangerous or useless. This trauma-based belief, usually inherited from an abusive or absent father figure, becomes the bedrock of the mother’s emotional structure.
But the central truth of this system is that it doesn’t want you to be either strong or weak. It needs you to be perpetually stuck in between, serving its control.
🎭 The Impossible Double-Bind
The misandric female narcissist (M-FN) places the male in a devastating no-win situation. The contradiction is stark: they demand subservience and compliance, yet they utterly despise men who meet those demands.
Demand 1: Be Subservient and Safe
The M-FN requires men to be passive, compliant, and emotionally available for control. This is the survival strategy for a woman who spent decades fearing male authority.
The Problem: A man who fully complies and never asserts independence proves the M-FN’s contemptuous belief that men are weak and spineless. She demands this behavior but secretly despises it, as it confirms her own lack of respect for him.
Demand 2: Be Strong (But Never Independent)
Deep down, the M-FN’s innate psychological wiring still craves a partner or male figure who embodies strength, independence, and protection.
The Problem: When the son (the scapegoat) naturally matures into an emotionally healthy, principled, and autonomous male, he becomes the system’s greatest threat. His self-respect and boundaries are seen as a hostile act of abandonment and a direct challenge to her control.
The result? You are punished for being weak, and you are punished more severely for being strong. This is the cage.
🎯 The Son: The Living Proxy of the Enemy
Why is the son the primary target of this misandry and contempt?
The Physical Reminder: The son is a biological reminder of the man (or men) who inflicted the original trauma or abandonment. That deep-seated fear and hatred for the male gender is displaced onto the easiest, most accessible male target: the child.
The Contempt Shield: For other women in the family, the “Mrs. Independent, Men Are Useless” front is a contempt shield. It justifies their failure to maintain healthy relationships and allows them to gain supply via pity and superiority. The healthy, autonomous male exposes the lie of their shield.
The Plotting Paradox: You will see the M-FNs ally with predictable male narcissists in the family. This is not out of trust; it is out of utility. They will use the known evil (the dysfunctional male) to attack the uncontrollable threat (the emotionally healthy male) because they would rather cling to a controlled tragedy than face an autonomous reality.
💥 The Inevitable Downfall of the Matriarch
The only way to win this game is to recognize that the system is doomed.
I recently observed this in my own mother’s desperate, repeated attempts to contact me after significant life changes. She lost the structure that protected her facade, which exacerbated her neediness and proved that all the life achievements couldn’t fill the internal void.
The Lesson: Narcissistic misery is not a passing phase; it is the inevitable final chapter for those who choose fear, control, and contempt over genuine human connection. They get worse and more pathetic with age because they destroy every support system they have.
Your Path to Freedom
The moment you recognize this double-bind, you step outside the cage. Your actions are your greatest defense:
No Reaction is Supply Denied: Your silence, especially to things like the wrong name, is the strongest possible boundary.
Claim Your Identity: Actions like going No Contact, changing your name, and maintaining silence are the ultimate declarations that you are no longer the person they seek to control.
Choose Sovereignty: You are not responsible for their misery, their trauma, or their narrative. By choosing emotional health, you become the uncontrollable threat that eventually forces their system to collapse—but you are safe outside of the rubble.
Life is full of uncertainty, and if you’re struggling with it, you’re not alone. It’s okay to not have all the answers right now.
For many of us, especially those coming from narcissistic family dynamics, uncertainty can feel overwhelming. We’re often conditioned to seek control, to have answers, to follow a clear path. But what if I told you that uncertainty doesn’t have to be feared? It’s a part of life that allows us to grow and create new opportunities.
It’s okay to not know the next step. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is embrace the unknown. It gives us room to explore, learn, and redefine ourselves.
If you’re feeling unsure about the future, remember this: uncertainty means you’re pushing boundaries. That’s a good thing.
So take a breath. You’re allowed to take your time, figure things out at your own pace, and trust that the answers will come.
