Tag: Mental Health

Avoid Attempts By Others To Humble You

It is one of those things where it is hard to call out straight away and determine whether it is malicious or just helpful advice. In a narcissistic family, if you physically grow, get older, start a new venture or job, these are opportunities for parents and sometimes siblings and extended family to ‘humble’ you. This is done by putting thoughts in your mind, indirectly conveying that you don’t have much experience or that what you’re planning won’t work because it didn’t work for them. It is presented as ‘just looking out for you’ or guiding you.

However, this is not the case, as it is used to undermine you and to put doubts in your head that you’re not knowledgeable enough or not experienced enough to pursue certain decisions. If you disagree that they indirectly portray you as ignorant.

This is not always from family; it can be from colleagues, friends, and acquaintances. In my experience, it is a similar situation to the above; you change something about yourself or take on a new challenge, and it follows the same pattern of talking you out of it or being passive-aggressive. In most instances, it is used in a condescending way to make you less confident. But remember, the main reason that they do this is because of envy and low self-esteem. If you were in a stagnant situation, then these behaviours would not be present. Also, if you used to be a certain way, they are more comfortable and accustomed to that old version, and when you change, it is more of a humbling experience for them since it reminds them of their lack of growth.

The way to deal with people like this is to assert boundaries straight away and to call out the behaviour for what it is, even if it causes offence. A lot of scapegoated men have had to do a lot of work on themselves, so allowing these behaviors to slide constantly is not helpful for the man you’re becoming. A better and healthier way is to reduce contact with these people. The constant defending yourself becomes tiring. This is something I used to do. I always used to think I had to make my point and put them in their place. It is helpful only to do briefly and then to disengage permanently.

26th May 2026

#Autonomy, #Change, #Growth, #Healing, #NarcissisticAbuse, #Positivity, #Power, #Respect, #Scapegoat, boundaries, healing, life, Mental Health, relationships
The ‘Fake Patriarchy’ is really a Matriarchy

At first, I believed this scenario was unique to me and quite rare. But knowing that I am not the only one has helped me connect more of the dots. It has allowed me to make peace with and make sense of the situation. I used to be infuriated by this, as I felt that I had been sold a big, contradicting lie. This past weekend, a deep conversation with a friend gave me much to think about. Since we are of the same background, we assumed the Dad leads the household. We believed he was the primary provider. But in typical narcissist style, the opposite is always the truth.

The narcissistic/toxic father likes to portray a superhuman, god-like existence. It conveys an image of someone who is very tough-minded, strong, and competent. It looks like someone with good character, grounded, protective, and principled. While they initially show these qualities, in reality, it is a facade. This is because the ultimate intention is control and to look superior in front of their spouse and children. If a man possesses and demonstrates these characteristics, surely he’s considered a decent human being. Others wouldn’t suspect that something more sinister is happening in the background.

The narcissist father frames the patriarchy to excuse domestic abuse of the spouse. He justifies infidelity and uses fear tactics. Intimidation is his method with his children. This is sending a message to his sons of what ‘patriarchy’ is and conditions them to tolerate this. It creates a fantasy.

Soon, it becomes just that, a fake fantasy that becomes very unstable and dysfunctional. It is not a surprise if you think about this in hindsight. Over time, narcissists get worse and more self-destructive with age. The narcissistic father is no exception. The web of lies catches up quickly. The violence and volatile affairs can lead to serious danger. They can also cause legal issues. As a result, the father’s status collapses. His reputation is damaged in their social circle. He experiences career damage and a loss of confidence.

This then means that the extremely co-dependent wife is at times the sole earner. She tries to keep everything together. You would think that, as the patriarch, he would be ashamed of this. Instead, it becomes a tool of exploitation. He becomes a docile tyrant. He is not capable of providing as before. Yet, he still demands to be the main gatekeeper in the household. He insists on making financial decisions that he is no longer in a position to make. At this stage, it is no longer a patriarchy. It is more of a matriarchy because the wife tries to hold everything together. The foundations are shaky. It is a very conflicting experience because the wife feels more like a mother instead of a wife. From my personal experience, they also would feel like a single parent.

The narcissistic father’s spouse is ‘the head of the house through labor and servitude. Yet, they are not the true head. They do the heavy lifting but do not have the final say. Also, the narcissistic father takes no accountability or responsibility for their actions. This is not a patriarchy. As a result, the father loses the respect from their sons. He becomes a contrast to the man he portrayed himself to be during their childhood. This was no longer a nuclear family built on patriarchy. Instead, it collapsed and became a matriarchy with no boundaries or substance.

10th Feb 2026

#Boundaries, #Ego, #Facade, #FalseSelf, #Malignant, #Matriarchy, #Morals, #NarcissismAwareness, #Narcissist, #Patriarchy, #SelfEsteem, #Values, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissist, relationships
Respect Is The Goal, Regardless of The Consequences

Respect for oneself is key to inspiring others to do the same for you. It makes a lot of logical sense. Unfortunately, not everyone would see it that way. No matter how you carry yourself, there will still be individuals who do not respect you.

A big mistake many male black sheep make is trying to gain approval from toxic family members. They have a strong wish to be liked. For nearly half my life, I was a big culprit of this. I realized I was operating from a faulty, dysfunctional system. Not only does it result in getting less approval, but also less respect. You see, in a toxic narcissistic family, the goal is to keep you on a hamster wheel. Always running but with no clear purpose. The goal is for them to justify respecting you less while your own self-respect slips away. This is very unsustainable.

The outcome is to gain your self-respect. Even if toxic individuals don’t want to admit it, they will have to respect you. You convey this through your demeanor and outlook. Narcissistic individuals also behave like children and teenagers. When you have a strong, self-respecting adult frame, you’re sending that message out. It also means you’re showing that you deserve respect. This sounds bad, but you have to use their own logic against them. They have an unreasonable sense of entitlement, so you have to beat them by exuding and commanding respect.

It does not matter if you’re perceived as a bad person. The keyword is ‘perceived’; it is not how you’re, but this is how they would want to frame it. You will get people who would consider you bad or unreasonable. But, gaining more respect can come at a price to reputation. Overall, it does not really matter. In this scenario, it is better to be seen as ‘bad’ and respected. It is preferable to be seen as ‘good’ and without being shown respect.

6th Feb 2026

#Boundaries, #Gaslighting, #Healing, #Honor, #Masculinity, #NarcissismAwareness, #NarcissisticAbuse, #Respect, #Scapegoat, #SelfEsteem, #SelfRespect, #Strength, boundaries, healing, Mental Health, personal-growth, relationships
‘Rocking The Boat’ is Both Necessary & Healthy

In the modern world, most people learn to ‘bite their tongue.’ This is especially true for men. They are taught to just go with the flow. If you go against this, it is considered to be too abrasive and inconsiderate. You see this a lot in friend circles, romantic relationships, work settings, and religious communities.

But in the narcissistic family, the ‘boat’ is a cage. It is used to keep people locked in. They have no way of getting out. I have also observed that this works on very small children. It works on the women as well. They have no way of defending themselves. But as a man, you’re naturally more assertive and can defend yourself. This is seen as a threat, and the goal is that you do not leave their control and influence. This situation is not sustainable. Men have an ego. To use this healthily, they need to give their opinions and have their own preferences. It will seem difficult to ‘rock the boat’. You will initially feel like a bad person. Nevertheless, from my personal experience, people respect you more. They see you as more genuine and authentic.

Plus, speaking your mind will make you feel better and increase your self-esteem. This is because you will have no regrets. This is opposed to months or even years down the line when you regretted staying silent. Malignant and toxic people will not be pleased when you refuse to be quiet. Yet, deep down, they respect this. It also explains why a lot of narcissistic people treat each other poorly. No one speaks out or leaves.

I also realized that people who generally like you and appreciate you being in their life will respond positively. They would not react negatively to you speaking your mind. It really is a test of who is genuine and who appreciates you for who you really are.

30th Jan 2026

#Authenticity, #Fake, #Fawning, #Healing, #Integrity, #Narcissism, #NiceGuySyndrome, #PeoplePleasing, #Recovery, #Scapegoat, #Self-Esteem, #Truth, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic-abuse, relationships
Let Anger Be Your Fuel, Not Your Future

Many people view anger as negative. If you show you’re angry, then it reflects badly on you. Not only that, but it can also be used as a shaming tactic. Toxic individuals often invalidate your experiences, views, and opinions. Even when you have every right to feel the anger.

I am here to tell you, anger, when used in a healthy way, can be the key to moving ahead. It can also help tackle challenges and tasks head on. It goes hand in hand with tolerance. The lower your tolerance for certain things, the more you will manage to assert your anger when needed. In a toxic and narcissistic household unhealthy and unregulated anger is the default. It is used to bully and try to emasculate you. This just leads to shutting down and repressing yourself, and not being to recognize when someone is disrespecting you. If someone is trying to shame anger, what they’re really doing is manipulating you. This doesn’t just start when you are a boy but leaks into your romantic life, friendships and work life.

There come’s a time in a man’s life where you hit a certain threshold and you need to shift gears. The anger is not about getting back at someone. Instead, it’s to put a level of fear in them. Without an ounce of fear (healthy), anyone can cross your boundaries. The problem is narcissistic family members take this to an absolute extreme. They hold onto anger and use it for a long time. It then becomes a way of life. This should not be the goal for you or for your future. Leading with anger permanently will not lead to true happiness. Nevertheless, you can use it to get out of the shadows. Make sure it is controlled and only for a very short period.

27th Jan 2026

#Anger, #Assertive, #Boundaries, #Growth, #Healing, #LifeForce, #Masculinity, #Narcissism, #Recovery, #Scapegoat, #Strength, #ToxicDynamics, emotions, healing, life, Mental Health
It Can Still Look Bad Even If It Appears Perfect

Being a male scapegoat, it is easy to think that growing up in this environment would have subpar living standards. One might always assume it would be in a state of poverty or crisis. This is not the case at all. Some individuals do grow up in hard situations. But many guys in this dysfunctional scenario often grow up in comfortable and sometimes affluent backgrounds.

This is the main point I want to get across in this post. Living luxuriously or coming from a lot of money just prolongs being around narcissistic and toxic parents. First of all, most people would assume you were provided with good clothes. They would think you attended a nice school and had an abundance of material possessions. But a lot of narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves, which isn’t a surprise. Narcissistic fathers see their sons as extensions of themselves. Sons are the ones to carry the family name, so they expect them to be a particular way. This is especially the case if the father is a high-profile man.

Behind the glamorous life, nice home, and good family image, the son suffers silently. This occurs because they’re not given room to be themselves. They only serve their parents and, in some cases, their siblings. How can someone appreciate a good life if they’re also not allowed to prosper internally? For those who do not know what really goes on, this would be seen as ungrateful. Then again, I could ask, how could such a son manage to navigate the real world? How can he grow and learn when they’re constantly spoon-fed? The result is you don’t have a man who has grown. Instead, you have someone who is internally stuck as a child despite outwardly appearing as a full-grown man.

This is also why the more financially successful and wholesome a narcissistic family appears, the worse they can sometimes be. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. They’re the perfect example of ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’. So remember this: what may look good to others on the outside can also hide the realities faced.

23rd Jan 2026

#Deceit, #FakePeople, #GoldenChild, #Growth, #Healing, #Hoovering, #Infantilization, #MaleScapegoat, #Manipulation, #NarcissisticAbuse, #NoContact, #Scapegoat, healing, Mental Health, relationships
The ‘Good Boy’ Scapegoat

I made a video last week. In it, I discussed the concept that being a male scapegoat is not always assigned at birth. It can happen at different ages and stages of life. I came across a page on Instagram run by a young woman from West Africa. She had a post on her page featuring a caption about the ‘Good Girl’ concept. It was written about growing up with the expectation of being seen as ‘perfect’. It encouraged staying out of trouble, avoiding risks, and discouraging stepping outside their comfort zone.

I thought about this for a while, which included my own past experiences and also the last video I did. It made a great deal of sense. In general, I think the current generation of men is pushed in a very narrow direction. The days when you could simply be your natural self as a boy are over. You can’t just fall over, dust yourself off, and try again. Yet, healthy parents realize that this is necessary to help boys become well-rounded, competent, and resilient men. This is also a standard to be instilled in all children in a household.

In contrast, the narcissistic household thinks differently and instead creates triangulation by treating their sons differently very early on. They let some of their children get away with everything, or have different standards. They pick a rebel who they need to constantly tame and make them follow their every demand. Some sons get treated as future cash cows. But there is a particular type of son, whom they want to turn into a ‘Good Boy.’ This is like pre-scapegoating but in reverse.

Since narcissistic parents like control, they try to create a god-like, prophet-like persona of their son. They don’t want them to experience growth and be strong. Rather, they wish them to be at the mercy of their whims. They do not even know who that son really is, including their interests and outlook on life. Still, they act like a higher power has disappointed them. As a result, they scapegoat this son when he decides not to follow the strict path. Those first 10 or 20 years of his life become a distant memory. Parents struggle to reconcile their son’s true self.

13th Jan 2026

#BlackSheep, #Codependency, #Manipulation, #Masculinity, #Narcissism, #NarcissismAwareness, #NarcissisticAbuse, #NiceGuySyndrome, #Scapegoat, #Triangulation, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic-abuse, relationships
Narcissistic/Toxic Language of ‘Help’

This is a slight expansion on my YouTube video from Tuesday. It touches on something I have observed a lot in the past. I think it deserves more than a video on it. It is the idea of narcissistic people and helping. All of them do this to a certain degree, but they do it in very cryptic and unique ways. They do this to get what they want, which is people to admire them and think that they’re good people. The reasons are much darker in the context of very close relationships. This includes relationships with family and very close friends.

They do this to exert control, to make you doubt yourself and your capabilities. It is also to show that you’re a constant burden that needs their help forever. In terms of being a male who is scapegoated, it is used to undermine your growing development. For instance, the ‘help’ they offered you as a child was less intense. Sometimes, it was completely non-existent. This isn’t a surprise, as these types of people only care about themselves. But, in some contexts, as you grow into a man, they suddenly want to be more involved. They also want to be more helpful as you become independent. On other occasions, they make this into a big deal, and it’s something you’re indebted to them forever. I will explain next how they do this.

Firstly, they do this through a covert method, which I have called ‘ The Infantilizing Soft Dominance’. This is where a narcissistic family member tries to interfere with your life and give unsolicited advice. They try to help you with simple tasks or situations that you could easily do yourself. There is also a condescending mother-like tone that they use. Within this context, it is usually an older female family member. For example, a mom, grandma, or aunt. In some other cases, it can also be a male in your life who acts like this. They often have more covert narcissistic traits and can include people like a sibling or a close friend. The common denominator with all these people is that their behaviors are driven by low self-esteem. They also have a need to feel important and wanted. That’s why it’s best to calmly and clearly assert boundaries against these types of people.

The next way their ‘help’ is expressed is what I call ‘The Burdened Martyrdom Trap’. They do help, but it is often when you ask for it. When they do offer to help, they do want you to ‘smell the exhaust’ of their effort. They would even insist on helping even if you decide to decline later on. They do express their displeasure by showing a short temper, heavy sighing, and grunting. There is also a discipline-like tone with these types of people. For example, think of an emotionally abusive father, an unhelpful manager at work, or a strict sports coach. They like to hang the concept of ‘help’ over your head. It feels like you owe them for life, regardless of how they treat you. They also like to try to emasculate you. These types of people easily smell weakness and exploit it. They’re operating on a level of insecurity, resentment, and internal emotional battles they’re unwilling to face. I say it is best to fully stand up for yourself, even if it looks like you’re being mean. Nonetheless, the smarter choice is to avoid this type at all costs.

The next scenario is what I call

9th Jan 2026

#Authenticity, #Boundaries, #Healing, #Help, #MaleScapegoat, #NarcissismAwareness, #Narcissist, #NarcissisticAbuse, #SelfEsteem, #SelfLove, #Strength, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic-abuse, relationships
The Breaking Point: When Tolerance Becomes a Trap

It is officially 2026, and we’re now in the last year of the mid-2020s. Most people are planning and talking. They discuss what they want to achieve. They talk about what they want to do. They consider what they want to experience. Then they think about where they want to go and what they want to change.

A dark cloud suddenly hangs above their head. They think about the last year. They look at what went wrong. They review the mistakes made. They ruminate on the goals that were not yet achieved. They ponder the problems that occurred and the bad things that happened. Honestly, this is a completely natural thing to do, and it’s something I often find myself doing. But let’s not be too hard on ourselves. Instead, we need to be harder on other things, what I mean is, with what we tolerate. They say patience is a virtue. This is true. Thus, tolerance becomes important. We all have to endure pain, struggle, and stagnation. This is what builds character. But if you’re too tolerant of the wrong things, it becomes a hindrance.

If you become tolerant of certain behaviors from others, especially family members, you send the message that it is okay. You’re indirectly saying that it is acceptable. You are also suggesting that it can continue. This also applies to colleagues and a job you’re not satisfied with. Instead of tolerance being a path to making you feel better, you start to feel worse. You then accept your lot in life and believe you deserve the things you’re tolerated. I find that in this society, we are taught tolerance to a fault, particularly when it comes to people. I feel tolerance for people (depending on the scenario) should be the last priority. As you should build that tolerance for your own life, your own goals, and preferences.

Tolerance can be used as a weapon by others. When you show less tolerance, you become the bad guy. It has nothing to do with being mean or an asshole, but rather less tolerance equals more self-respect. Also, when you become less tolerant, people will then have to rethink how they conduct themselves around you.

As we’re in a New Year, let’s all decide what we’re willing to tolerate. At the same time, we should recognize what we shouldn’t. This makes the difference between a well-spent year and a year wasted.

2nd Jan 2026

#Change, #FreshStart, #Growth, #Healing, #NewYear, #Patience, #Tolerance, life, love, Mental Health, relationships
Starting To Identify What You Do Not Want

A difficulty that a lot of us face is not knowing what we actually want. It seems simple at first for the basic things. A lot of us know what restaurant we like to eat at. We also know who our favorite sports team is and our favorite place to go on holiday. Yet, I find that we can get stuck. For our core needs, goals, and aspirations, it becomes more of a challenge.

We may not know how to verbalize or precisely pinpoint what we want yet. But believe me that deep down we really know it, especially as a man. We are meant to be decisive and take charge in what we want. This is something naturally ingrained. We know it when we’re deciding the venue for a date. We know it when we’re wanting a new car. We know it when choosing a property to buy for the long-term. It is important and crucial for a mans development and personal happiness. Instead some of us were not giving the appropriate tools to practice and hone this. This is especially true if you had rigid cult-like household growing up.

You would only be guided to a certain path, though I say that loosely. It was more about control and coercion. For those of certain backgrounds, like African or Indian, you’re typically told that university is the only way. There is no guidance to explore other opportunities for other areas, like the trades and the arts. I believe that this causes most of us to be unsure of what we want. University is less valuable than it was many decades ago. In fact, most degrees are useless unless you want to become a doctor.

Ultimately, it leads you to settle for less not knowing what you truly want. There is another perspective. Instead of focusing right away on what you want, it’s more useful to think about what you don’t want. This has also made it a lot easier for myself. I realized if I uphold no boundaries for what I don’t want, what I want can’t truly happen. It becomes difficult. So by putting together a list or itinerary what you don’t want it creates a blueprint. It is basically the bigger picture, so you should decide on this holistically.

For instance, it can be as simple as not being around people who are always negative. Another idea is avoiding living in a certain city or neighborhood. You can also find certain attributes you do not want in a future partner/spouse. These are just examples. I realized that cutting ties with toxic family members helps. When you go no contact, it becomes much easier recognizing what you don’t want. After being in such an environment, I would accept most things. Later, it shocked me to realize how easy it was to decide what I do not want.

On that note, happy December 1st. It is the start of a new month. Hopefully, you can use this opportunity to start addressing what you truly don’t want. This is something I continuously do. It doesn’t stop. Ultimately, it will lead us all to what we truly want.

1st Dec 2025

#December, #NewMonth, #SelfAwareness, #SelfCare, #SelfEsteem, boundaries, Growth, healing, life, love, menshealth, Mental Health, Positivity, relationships, Scapegoat