It is hard to deny the past, whether good or bad. Despite the difficulties growing up in a narcissistic family system, in my experience, there are good moments, particularly as a young boy. Often, when you go no contact, they use ‘past good memories’ as a tool to get you to let them back into your life.
Initially, it works to keep you in contact, but in reality, bringing up past positive times does not excuse bad behavior, especially if the good memories were way back in the past. This is purely manipulation and is a way to deflect attention from what they’re doing in the background. This is because a narcissistic family will use a smear campaign by getting to control others’ perception of you if they can’t control you. By bringing up ‘past good memories,’ it is a desperate attempt to get back into your life. I would also say that it is a very weak attempt because it is trying to play into your inner child by also reminding you of what they did for you when you were a young boy. This is not a good excuse at all because if this were the case, then every interaction that gets worse in different relationships would be ignored.
You have done the tough part. You have cut off all toxic and narcissistic family members. You have set clear boundaries. You have a life free from their negative influence and behaviors. Then, suddenly, a new variable is introduced. It is the new additions, the future generation.
This would involve when you decide to have children. Also, the future children of other family members, like siblings and cousins. Since you became wise to their games and manipulation trips, they have lost leverage over you. Since they become volatile over time, they burn bridges that are very hard to reinstate. The next default setting is to make attempts by gaining access to you via a proxy. It is very much like how they would use flying monkeys to gather information from you. If they can’t hoover you back in, they use children as a way to dangle candy your way. It would involve getting back in contact with you to announce that someone is expecting. You would hear their fake excitement when they announce that you’re going to be an uncle. Another tactic they use is to pry into your own life and find out if you have any children.
As harsh as this sounds, the best thing to do is to ignore it. They show you pregnancy scans and newborn pictures to try to get you back. They’re trying to use a fake moral compass; surely no one will ignore a newborn baby. They see this as a way to get back into your life. It is not genuine. Besides, the newborn baby has no agency. They can mold them to whatever they want. It is like how they were brought up and became who they are, unfortunately.
It is easy to feel like the black sheep. You internalize a lot of blame. At times, you will also think that everything is your fault. You seem to feel like you’re running a hamster wheel. You are unsure of where it ends. You don’t know where you’re actually heading. This is a common theme with narcissistic and toxic family members. They want to keep you guessing. They want you to question what you need to do next. A lot of the time, this happens because they’re never really satisfied with anything. More importantly, they don’t truly know what they want from life.
But to try and find what they want, they use you as a prop to fulfill that void. It is very dysfunctional and unsustainable. They use coercive tactics. They group together to mold you into the way they think you should be. This is done through making you overly compliant and very polite to a fault. They guilt-trip you by conditioning you to fall more into your feminine frame rather than the masculine. It makes you seem non-threatening and harmless. They also want to make you be overly selfless. They lack those traits themselves. Hence, they need you to have them to feel better about themselves. Also since you’re related to them, it reflects positively on them to the outside world.
They exaggerate certain traits to emphasize their importance. They need you far more than you need them. This is a very deceitful way to coerce someone. Yet, down the line, you don’t take it personally. You recognize the games being played. They eventually do this to the Golden child as well.
I made a video last week. In it, I discussed the concept that being a male scapegoat is not always assigned at birth. It can happen at different ages and stages of life. I came across a page on Instagram run by a young woman from West Africa. She had a post on her page featuring a caption about the ‘Good Girl’ concept. It was written about growing up with the expectation of being seen as ‘perfect’. It encouraged staying out of trouble, avoiding risks, and discouraging stepping outside their comfort zone.
I thought about this for a while, which included my own past experiences and also the last video I did. It made a great deal of sense. In general, I think the current generation of men is pushed in a very narrow direction. The days when you could simply be your natural self as a boy are over. You can’t just fall over, dust yourself off, and try again. Yet, healthy parents realize that this is necessary to help boys become well-rounded, competent, and resilient men. This is also a standard to be instilled in all children in a household.
In contrast, the narcissistic household thinks differently and instead creates triangulation by treating their sons differently very early on. They let some of their children get away with everything, or have different standards. They pick a rebel who they need to constantly tame and make them follow their every demand. Some sons get treated as future cash cows. But there is a particular type of son, whom they want to turn into a ‘Good Boy.’ This is like pre-scapegoating but in reverse.
Since narcissistic parents like control, they try to create a god-like, prophet-like persona of their son. They don’t want them to experience growth and be strong. Rather, they wish them to be at the mercy of their whims. They do not even know who that son really is, including their interests and outlook on life. Still, they act like a higher power has disappointed them. As a result, they scapegoat this son when he decides not to follow the strict path. Those first 10 or 20 years of his life become a distant memory. Parents struggle to reconcile their son’s true self.
In narcissistic families, the scapegoat role is rarely about fairness — it’s about control. Traditionally, people assume the family resents the scapegoat because he displays traits they secretly wish they had: confidence, strength, independence. And yes, that’s part of the story. But there’s another, often-overlooked reason: the scapegoat refuses to show the illusion they’ve built for themselves.
For a male scapegoat, this rejection can feel even more dangerous to them. In their world, you’re not supposed to have boundaries. You’re supposed to bend. You should smooth over conflict. You are expected to protect the family image at your own expense. When you stop doing that, you start to say “no.” You start to focus on your own needs without guilt. You’re no longer a safe mirror for their ego.
And that’s when the claws come out.
It’s not always about you being “difficult.” It’s about you no longer being useful to the fantasy they’re selling themselves and everyone else. A male scapegoat who stops people-pleasing becomes an uncomfortable reminder that real self-respect doesn’t depend on constant approval. You become proof that you can survive — even thrive — without their validation.
They don’t just lose control over you. They lose the comfort of the illusion that everyone buys into their version of reality. And instead of respecting your independence, they double down — harsher words, more subtle jabs, sometimes outright smear campaigns.
But here’s the truth they don’t want you to realize. Once you’ve broken free from the role, you can’t be put back in it. This only happens if you choose to step back in. Standing firm is an act they can’t bear to witness. This includes setting boundaries, saying no, and protecting your mental space.
“Sometimes, your very existence is enough to trigger a storm. It’s not because you’ve done anything wrong. It’s because you shine light on everything they’ve tried to keep in the dark.”
A certain kind of pain doesn’t come from strangers. It comes from the people who should’ve known you best. Not because you hurt them, but because you reminded them of what they refused to heal in themselves. In narcissistic families, the black sheep isn’t a threat because they’re bad — they’re a threat because they’re the mirror.
The Reflection They Can’t Face
The mirror you shine signifies everything the narcissist isn’t — or everything they desperately try to pretend to be. Many narcissists put immense effort into projecting an image of being altruistic, community-minded, or the life of the party. Yet, when you naturally embody these traits, it exposes their act.
Sometimes, they react with exaggerated surprise, as if your natural kindness or authenticity is some kind of magic trick. You were just being you — but to them, that’s threatening.
The Image vs. The Reality
They also try to craft a tough, macho, “warrior” persona, regardless of gender. They covertly claim traits like independence, emotional control, assertiveness, and leadership as their own. Meanwhile, they project softer qualities onto you. These include kindness, nurturing, and gentleness. They do this because they don’t want those traits to define them.
This creates a strange tension. They might treat you like a “golden boy” for showing those traits. Deep down, they resent the fact that you express them with ease, while they have to fake it.
Your Strength Exposes Their Mask
The real conflict begins when you reveal your true strength — the independence, logic, resilience, and bravery they lack. Narcissistic families are built on control and manipulation, not true strength.
Every time you stand up for yourself, you reflect the part of them that’s weak or broken. Every time you refuse to play their games, you highlight the fact that their control isn’t absolute. To them, you’re not just defying them — you’re exposing them.
They Hate What You Reveal
Your presence is a mirror to their unhealed wounds. They interpret your integrity as defiance. Your authenticity as rebellion. And your strength as a direct challenge.
But the truth is, you’re not trying to fight them. You’re simply choosing to be yourself. And sometimes, being yourself is enough to make them want to tear you down. Your light exposes the darkness they’d rather keep hidden.
Nearly three months ago, I wrote a blog post dedicated to the month of January. It focused on its challenges and the opportunity to develop strength and resilience to overcome them. January often sets the tone for the year. Yet, April offers a unique opportunity for a fresh start. It provides a second chance to build on what we began. It can also be a chance to start completely new.
This is not just for the start of January but can be applied to the beginning of any time period. Yet, I thought this would be quite fitting for April as this was the original New Year. Still till this day various cultures like many South East-Asian cultures celebrate this month as the new year. Also other places like the United Kingdom have April as the start of the new tax year.
It is also the start of spring. It marks a time of new beginnings. There are changes for the rest of the year. Forget to take up that hobby in January? It is not too late, now you can start it. Procrastinated on starting a project that you meant to in January? You can still pursue this right now in April. Or, if you couldn’t start going to the gym? No problem this can still be worked on this month and beyond.
By doing the things that didn’t work out or perhaps taking longer than expected, you develop resilience. You achieve this by continuing the task during periods of stress. Continue even when it isn’t going the way you want. You can apply this to recovering from your role as a black sheep, as you may hit roadblocks and curves. Just as long as you’re capable of staying on course you can overcome this. If you’re a man who feels like a black sheep, you may be too hard on yourself. You might experience setbacks not just in healing but also in professional, educational, and financial situations.
Resilience, in this context, is about reclaiming your narrative. It’s about refusing to let past labels define your future. It’s about building a foundation of self-worth that can withstand the inevitable setbacks. Resilience isn’t just about pushing through; it’s about adapting, learning from setbacks, and cultivating a positive mindset. It’s about recognizing that growth often comes from overcoming challenges. Even when things don’t go as planned, there’s always an opportunity to learn and evolve.
For men who have been labeled the black sheep, resilience is not only a tool for healing. It is also a way to build a new identity and reject the old labels. It is not always easy. To be able to move forward, and to heal from past wounds. However, small steps are still progress, and will eventually lead to a better future.
April is a reminder that we have the power to create new beginnings and cultivate resilience. Let’s embrace this opportunity to grow, heal, and thrive.
What are your goals for renewal this April? Share your tips for building resilience in the comments below!
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 