It is hard to deny the past, whether good or bad. Despite the difficulties growing up in a narcissistic family system, in my experience, there are good moments, particularly as a young boy. Often, when you go no contact, they use ‘past good memories’ as a tool to get you to let them back into your life.
Initially, it works to keep you in contact, but in reality, bringing up past positive times does not excuse bad behavior, especially if the good memories were way back in the past. This is purely manipulation and is a way to deflect attention from what they’re doing in the background. This is because a narcissistic family will use a smear campaign by getting to control others’ perception of you if they can’t control you. By bringing up ‘past good memories,’ it is a desperate attempt to get back into your life. I would also say that it is a very weak attempt because it is trying to play into your inner child by also reminding you of what they did for you when you were a young boy. This is not a good excuse at all because if this were the case, then every interaction that gets worse in different relationships would be ignored.
You have done the tough part. You have cut off all toxic and narcissistic family members. You have set clear boundaries. You have a life free from their negative influence and behaviors. Then, suddenly, a new variable is introduced. It is the new additions, the future generation.
This would involve when you decide to have children. Also, the future children of other family members, like siblings and cousins. Since you became wise to their games and manipulation trips, they have lost leverage over you. Since they become volatile over time, they burn bridges that are very hard to reinstate. The next default setting is to make attempts by gaining access to you via a proxy. It is very much like how they would use flying monkeys to gather information from you. If they can’t hoover you back in, they use children as a way to dangle candy your way. It would involve getting back in contact with you to announce that someone is expecting. You would hear their fake excitement when they announce that you’re going to be an uncle. Another tactic they use is to pry into your own life and find out if you have any children.
As harsh as this sounds, the best thing to do is to ignore it. They show you pregnancy scans and newborn pictures to try to get you back. They’re trying to use a fake moral compass; surely no one will ignore a newborn baby. They see this as a way to get back into your life. It is not genuine. Besides, the newborn baby has no agency. They can mold them to whatever they want. It is like how they were brought up and became who they are, unfortunately.
Being a male scapegoat, it is easy to think that growing up in this environment would have subpar living standards. One might always assume it would be in a state of poverty or crisis. This is not the case at all. Some individuals do grow up in hard situations. But many guys in this dysfunctional scenario often grow up in comfortable and sometimes affluent backgrounds.
This is the main point I want to get across in this post. Living luxuriously or coming from a lot of money just prolongs being around narcissistic and toxic parents. First of all, most people would assume you were provided with good clothes. They would think you attended a nice school and had an abundance of material possessions. But a lot of narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves, which isn’t a surprise. Narcissistic fathers see their sons as extensions of themselves. Sons are the ones to carry the family name, so they expect them to be a particular way. This is especially the case if the father is a high-profile man.
Behind the glamorous life, nice home, and good family image, the son suffers silently. This occurs because they’re not given room to be themselves. They only serve their parents and, in some cases, their siblings. How can someone appreciate a good life if they’re also not allowed to prosper internally? For those who do not know what really goes on, this would be seen as ungrateful. Then again, I could ask, how could such a son manage to navigate the real world? How can he grow and learn when they’re constantly spoon-fed? The result is you don’t have a man who has grown. Instead, you have someone who is internally stuck as a child despite outwardly appearing as a full-grown man.
This is also why the more financially successful and wholesome a narcissistic family appears, the worse they can sometimes be. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. They’re the perfect example of ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’. So remember this: what may look good to others on the outside can also hide the realities faced.
I recently did a Youtube video this past Friday. In it, I discussed that when you break free, you experience different and conflicting types of communication. These come from the overt and covert toxic narcissists you grew up with or who raised you.
In some scenarios, you finally go no contact. The more overt person tries to use hoovering to bait you back in. They pretend to change and try to act like you’re being unreasonable. If this fails they become more aggressive in their tone and communication. It would consist of angry voicemails and long winded emails and texts. After some time, you hardly hear from them again. It as if they have just vanished. They sporadically return.
On the other hand, more covert individuals try to keep reaching out. They adopt a non-aggressive, calm, and casual demeanor. They act as if you speak to them regularly. It feels like you are just picking up from where you left off. Some of them would find an excuse just to contact you like happening to be in the same area. At other times, they can increase the level of contact. This does not necessarily happen every day or even every week. It can occur once a month or on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. As I mentioned on my Youtube video, their expectations are more deluded. They are unrealistic about the chances of you reciprocating.
That is it for now. Stay tuned for my next video this coming Friday @SonintheShadows where I discuss this in Part 2.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 