This topic has been simmering in my mind for a long time, and I’ve been planning to write about it. Some aspects were tough to wrap my head around, not because they’re complicated – they’re pretty straightforward, actually. Instead, it’s because it’s not necessarily a black-and-white area. This is especially true if you’re a male who grew up in a toxic, narcissistic family.
‘Help’ is a word that can feel like the opposite of what it should be. I used to falsely interpret it as help no matter the cost, even if it led to negative consequences. It included help even if I didn’t ask for it, or knew deep down it wasn’t in my best interest. Man, was I wrong about that! Or maybe, subconsciously, I was right because all along, the help I was made to take on wasn’t suitable. Narcissist parents use this tactic a lot to manipulate and control. It works well with small children who haven’t yet formed their preferences and developed their identity.
Yet, as a person grows, particularly a male, they start to feel threatened by their masculine development. From my personal experience, I’d be accused of taking my independence too far or not listening enough. What an odd thing to say to a young male growing into an adult! This should be encouraged, not stifled.
This could also explain a scapegoat’s initial aversion for help.Starting from the beginning as a scapegoat, you may have had a distant father and an overbearing, needy mother. This isn’t always the case. Still, from my experiences and conversations with others, I’ve noticed a pattern.
Writers like Devin Stone often describe the overt, active, grandiose narcissist as usually the father. The quieter, passive-aggressive narcissist is usually the mother.This ties into our complicated relationship with help as male scapegoats. On one hand, you’d want to seek help, especially as a kid. But since narcissists don’t really care about anyone but themselves, the help doesn’t feel genuine. So, you’d go to your father for help. He couldn’t be bothered. Worse, he’d easily show annoyance and irritation, giving a vibe of being pissed off. This is him demonstrating that you’re a nuisance, leading you to see yourself as a burden.In the past, you might’ve gotten the kind of help that was always set to undermine you. A needy, narcissistic mother would be condescending, offering help like you’re a five-year-old. Also, insisting on being overly involved and feigning concern unnecessarily is a tool to keep you dependent and second-guessing yourself.For some of us, this can lead to learned helplessness – thinking we can’t take action and make decisions ourselves. This is bullshit!
Sometimes we decide we don’t want to deal with unreliable or insecure people trying to bring us down. So, we take a different, harder path where we become ultra-independent. This becomes a positive trait for men as we can transfer this energy into other parts of our lives. But how do you reverse that?I believe you should refuse help from untrustworthy people and those who derive pleasure from creating petty power plays.
Keep in mind narcissists will use snippets of the truth to manipulate the situation. For instance, my mother would also say, ‘You don’t like asking for help.’ Well, it’s no surprise if someone is averse to this if they sense an ulterior motive. Narcissists use ‘help’ as a guise to control most of the time. They place themselves in a superior position while failing to actually help. So how do you find trustworthy sources of help? Start by looking at their life and character. Are they generally supportive and reliable? Do they respect your boundaries and autonomy? Consider those aspects of who they are. If they sit well with you, then proceed. Always remain an active participant when receiving help. Ultimately, it’s your life. Also remember to challenge those harmful beliefs that prevent you from seeking support.
It’s beneficial to bounce ideas off other people. Getting help along the way is important in our careers, daily tasks, or social interactions. Consider seeking professional support, like therapy, to process your experiences. Develop healthier coping mechanisms with assistance from a male who can recognize such patterns. I also think the journey of healing from being the scapegoat can’t be done alone. It can, but it’ll take years and be a much more difficult experience. Realizing patterns earlier in life by going to others for help has been key for me. That’s why I stress the importance of confiding in and interacting with safe and loyal people on this journey.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 