In the past, I always assumed that if someone said something, it must be true. I also believed that if they said they would do something, it would happen. In my subconscious, I thought it was only partially true since sometimes there can be mixed messages. Later on, I realized it was really clear-cut. I learned this particularly when dealing with narcissistic family members. This lesson helped save me a lot of trouble. You must ignore what people say and watch what they do.
If someone says they love you or that they support you, it is not about how often they say it. What matters is how often those actions actually follow through. If someone offers to help you and this never materializes, their actions speak louder than their words.
I would say this works well in all types of relationships and different settings. It also weeds out the genuine people from the fake people by managing expectations.
How Narcissistic Family Systems Use Roles — and Why the Male Scapegoat Breaks the Spell
Halloween is the one time of year the world celebrates masks. But for those raised in narcissistic families, masks are a daily reality — and they’re not for fun.
These family systems operate through illusion, performance, and control. Every member is assigned a role, and stepping outside that role threatens the whole façade.
Common roles include:
The Golden Child – the “perfect” projection
The Scapegoat – the truth-teller, blamed and punished
Flying Monkeys – enforcers of the illusion
The Narcissistic Parent(s) – the director of the performance
Everyone is wearing a mask… Except the scapegoat.
And that is precisely why he becomes the threat.
🎭 The Role You Refused to Play
Narcissistic families don’t want individuals. They want mirrors, obedience, and emotional labor.
The scapegoat isn’t rejected because he is flawed — He is rejected because he refuses to submit to a lie.
He won’t: ✅ perform for approval ✅ shrink himself for others’ comfort ✅ feed the fantasy ✅ abandon his identity ✅ be the emotional sacrifice forever
They don’t punish you for being weak. They punish you because you were strong enough not to be controlled.
👻 When You Take Off the Mask
Once you stop performing and begin to break free:
You set boundaries
You choose independence
You focus on your identity and purpose
You stop chasing people who don’t see your worth
You embrace self-respect over people-pleasing
The illusion collapses.
And when the mask slips, they panic. Not because you harmed them — but because you saw through them.
Your truth threatens their fiction.
🕯️ Light Always Terrifies Shadows
These families only hold power when everyone cooperates with the illusion.
When you step away from the role, you expose the truth:
They were never what they pretended to be.
Your healing is their loss of control. Your boundaries are their defeat. Your freedom is the only closure you ever needed.
You didn’t lose a family. You escaped a performance.
🎬 Closing
This Halloween, remember:
Some monsters don’t wear costumes. They wear masks.
And your greatest act of rebellion was taking yours off first.
📌 Part 2 Coming Next Friday
Stay tuned for the continuation — and watch my related video on YouTube @SonintheShadows.
Have you ever felt stuck in a rut, yearning for change but afraid to take that first step?
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” – Neale Donald Walsch
“The comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.” – Unknown
“What you are afraid of is usually what you need to do.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – Wayne Gretzky
“Great things never come from comfort zones.” – Anonymous
What do all these quotes have in common? They explain that being comfortable might provide stability, but it ultimately stifles us from taking the next step. It is that first painful step that transforms our lives. I also believe that, as men, it’s in our natural instinct to push our boundaries. We earn rewards for overcoming challenges, whether that’s financial or an increase in pride. This is what has led civilizations to be built and humanity to evolve.
Sadly, it can be a misunderstood idea. We are taught that the ideal standard revolves around ‘playing it safe.’ I’m sure this is relatable in many areas of life. This is especially true for the black sheep of a toxic and narcissistic family of origin. We are often conditioned to avoid calling out problems or advocating for ourselves. As some of us know, it’s a painful process. You lose people, or their perceptions of you become negative. But this is where true growth occurs. When I did this in my own life, it felt very uncomfortable and foreign. Yet, in the long run, I felt much better and more mature.
This principle can be applied to many areas of life. It could be starting a new career, taking up a new hobby, or traveling somewhere different and unfamiliar. The principle is still the same. Not everyone will support this journey. It will be difficult. But ultimately, you’ll learn more about yourself. You’ll write a new story and create a new chapter. You’ll free yourself from whatever is holding you back.
It took me some time to reach this point, but I became far more satisfied. The times I was in my comfort zone were actually the most unfulfilled periods of my life. As we continue on this journey, I encourage you to embrace the unknown. Keep pushing forward. If setbacks occur, get up and fight another day.
So, what’s holding you back? What small step can you take today to step outside your comfort zone? Let’s keep pushing forward together.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 