Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents"

I made a video last week. In it, I discussed the concept that being a male scapegoat is not always assigned at birth. It can happen at different ages and stages of life. I came across a page on Instagram run by a young woman from West Africa. She had a post on her page featuring a caption about the ‘Good Girl’ concept. It was written about growing up with the expectation of being seen as ‘perfect’. It encouraged staying out of trouble, avoiding risks, and discouraging stepping outside their comfort zone.

I thought about this for a while, which included my own past experiences and also the last video I did. It made a great deal of sense. In general, I think the current generation of men is pushed in a very narrow direction. The days when you could simply be your natural self as a boy are over. You can’t just fall over, dust yourself off, and try again. Yet, healthy parents realize that this is necessary to help boys become well-rounded, competent, and resilient men. This is also a standard to be instilled in all children in a household.

In contrast, the narcissistic household thinks differently and instead creates triangulation by treating their sons differently very early on. They let some of their children get away with everything, or have different standards. They pick a rebel who they need to constantly tame and make them follow their every demand. Some sons get treated as future cash cows. But there is a particular type of son, whom they want to turn into a ‘Good Boy.’ This is like pre-scapegoating but in reverse.

Since narcissistic parents like control, they try to create a god-like, prophet-like persona of their son. They don’t want them to experience growth and be strong. Rather, they wish them to be at the mercy of their whims. They do not even know who that son really is, including their interests and outlook on life. Still, they act like a higher power has disappointed them. As a result, they scapegoat this son when he decides not to follow the strict path. Those first 10 or 20 years of his life become a distant memory. Parents struggle to reconcile their son’s true self.