Hey all! I hope everyone is persevering through January since it is a very long month. As the first month of a new year feels long, this is a good opportunity for us. We can work on our goals and prepare for a good start. Towards the end of last year, I mentioned that I would start posting regularly in the new year. I committed to that.
Unfortunately, this has not happened. I have been juggling multiple projects. Also, I am preparing for the release of “Unshackled: A Man’s Journey from Family Scapegoat to Self-Empowerment”. It is still on pre-sale. A release date will be confirmed soon.
I realize that during a busy period, one can feel overwhelmed and want to be sure everything is right. This includes wanting every single blog post to be perfect and flawless. This explains why it has been two weeks since my last post. I realized that this has resulted in sinking into feelings of perfectionism. It is not to say being diligent and wanting to be precise is a negative trait at all. But, leaning at the extreme end could reverse those positive traits.
For us men, who have been scapegoated in the past, making a single mistake can ruin our momentum. Even a slight mishap in our plans or tasks can have this effect. I have learned that mistakes or situations not going perfectly are a part of life.
This can be easier said than done especially for us, male scapegoats. If we make a mistake or if something in our lives goes wrong our ego takes a huge hit. From my experience, it is mainly due to fear of criticism from experiencing this constantly while growing up. As a result, it would lead to difficulties with self-acceptance and self-worth.
Imperfections are something to embrace because if you gradually improve you can look at how far you have come. Also, imperfections make you more relatable and real. This is something that was not allowed in a toxic environment with a lot of censorship. Ultimately, perfectionism will lead to procrastination.
During the quiet month of January, it has given me time to think about what is important. I keep in mind that gradual progress is still progress, no matter how small. Even the odd bad day is not a death sentence. It is a chance to be accountable and move ahead.
There are different ways that perfectionism can be combat. Firstly larger tasks can be broken down into small manageable steps. Also celebrate small wins. This is something that happened to me this past Sunday. I didn’t feel like going to the gym but I still went anyway. I didn’t do everything I intended but hit a PR on the deadlift. So, I would like you to think about what you achieved during the week. It can be anything.
As I continue to work on the eBook and other tasks, I am learning. Progress is not about perfection. It is about consistent effort. I look forward to sharing more of my journey with you in the coming weeks.
Back with another post to go into more depth with male scapegoating. I touched upon factors and motives that would influence how a male scapegoat is selected. Now I will first define male scapegoating in the family context. It involves systematically targeting and blaming a male family member, typically a son. This is done for the problems and failures or negative emotions within the family.
This involves unfair criticism and blame directed at the male individual. Families like this are very toxic. They are harmful for male scapegoats because there is a lot of emotional manipulation. Psychological abuse is also prevalent. They do this by undermining the individual’s sense of self-worth and masculinity. As a result, the family uses the designated male as a repository for family tensions and dysfunction.
Male scapegoating can be particularly damaging due to societal expectations of male strength and resilience. This makes it harder for the target to seek help or acknowledge the abuse. The definition above emphasizes the unique challenges faced by male scapegoats in narcissistic family systems.
If left unrecognized, growing up in such an environment has significant long-term psychological implications for the male scapegoat. It harms the male’s self-esteem and leaves them with feelings of unwarranted guilt. It also leads them to not trust people easily or to show their true selves in relationships. Scapegoating can affect other areas of life, including school and the workplace. The target becomes conditioned to tolerate bullies, toxic bosses, and deceptive colleagues. The male scapegoats would then feel there is something wrong with them and that they’re defective.
This leads to feeling misunderstood, which brings me to my next point, societal factors. I believe this is one of the strongest implications that male scapegoats face. In the current climate, a lot of males are struggling with their identity and place in the world.
A male scapegoat is even more confused. They’re attacked by their family for showing their true masculinity. They also face challenges in the current climate, which holds a negative view on masculinity. A lot of males are not encouraged to be themselves and are encouraged to be more feminine. These traits are not necessarily bad. We all have a mix of these from both genders. Nevertheless, there can be an unhealthy balance. Other factors come into play with this including more single mother households. Even in families with two parents, toxic behavior can lead to similar problems for men.
On the bright side, there are ways that a male scapegoat can combat this and different strategies. A lot of this I relate to. The most important way to overcome the effects of being scapegoated is via self-development. This is good because it would focus on all areas of a man’s life. It includes developing their mental framework. It also involves changing their outlook, pursuing different passions, and learning new skills. What also helped me is through sharing any problems with trusted close friends.
A male uses various coping strategies discussed above. He learns to be their own person by forging their identity. A right that was denied growing up. From early in their life, a male scapegoat develops a mentality aimed at breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma. They become the total opposite of their family of origin. I remember once. I made a drastic change in my life. When a close friend saw this, they stated that I was always so different from my family.
I would like to know more about your understanding of male scapegoating and your definition of it. It will be helpful to know how unique everyone else’s experiences have been. Perhaps you may have a friend who has gone through a similar experience? Feel free to share what you know. I will want to go deep into this topic in the future.
I hope you all had an enjoyable and well-rested Christmas Day. For those who do not celebrate it, I hope yesterday was a great day for you as well. I have earlier touched upon the holiday period and provided updates on my eBook. The time from the day after Christmas to New Year’s Eve is usually for planning. It’s also a period for resting and reflection.
I now want to dig deeper to discuss important topics related to the blog. Some of you can relate to this, but others might not be completely familiar with it. In my first post, I talked about the meaning of Scapegoating. I will mainly focus on the male experience. Now, I will give my thoughts and opinions on how this is determined.
A male can be scapegoated in different ways in a narcissistic family and for many reasons. Through my personal observations and experiences, I have noticed various nuances. It is not a black and white scenario. Different patterns and stages in life can alter how this role can be assigned.
Narcissistic Family Roles: Golden Child, Scapegoat, and More
As I will touch upon in future content, narcissistic family members, especially parents, assign different roles to their children. The main types are the:
Golden Child: Seen as reflective of all the good qualities of the family and who does no wrong.
Scapegoat: Blamed for all the family problems and seen as a difficult person.
Lost Child: Not much attention is paid towards them.
Yet, there are also extra roles like the mascot. This extra role would be a child who tries to instill humor. It aims to convey fun. This serves as a distraction from the real problems. Initially, I always thought the roles were assigned due to birth order and even gender, which happens sometimes.
This is dependent on different variables, including the response the parents receive at the time or how they’re feeling. I always thought it would typically be the oldest who is scapegoated. This happens because the eldest child may notice the early signs of dysfunction. They are the first to spend time with their parents. Whatever a narcissistic family feels is a threat to them is immediately thwarted. This could take the form of a combination of emotional manipulation and physical abuse to keep the eldest in line.
Another way that males can be scapegoated is by attacking a son’s character. If there are multiple sons in a family, for example, one may decide to show masculine characteristics like assertiveness. This can include independent thought and healthy disagreement. When this happens, they are demonized. They are made out to be a problem child. They are seen as going against family values.
The roles also switch. That particular son may be the golden child when they are much younger. This is particularly true if they’re seen as quiet and gentle.
Case Study: The Eldest Son’s Experience
In many narcissistic families, the eldest son often finds himself in the scapegoat role early on. Consider the story of “Josh.” He is a 38-year-old man who grew up in a family with a highly narcissistic father. As the eldest child, Josh initially showed more assertive behavior earlier on in comparison to his younger siblings.
Initial Criticism: Josh was seen as the “Scapegoat” during his early years. His father would use excessive physical punishment for small mistakes. He punished Josh if he voiced an opinion the father did not like. He would undermine his self-esteem by stating he was “stubborn and ungrateful.”
Shift to Golden Child: As Josh matured, he stopped challenging his father’s controlling behavior. This would lead him to internalize everything his father thought and to take on his father’s mentality. Josh received excessive praise from his father. He did whatever it took to gain his approval. This was often not the best decision for Josh.
Long-Term Effects: Josh experienced early scapegoating, which transitioned him into the golden child role. As he got older, he struggled with feelings of inadequacy. He also faced issues with his sense of self. He realized he had to prove his worth. He adopted traits learned from his father, which led to more narcissistic and dysfunctional behavior.
Josh’s story illustrates how a scapegoat can transition to a golden child. His younger brother, Phil, demonstrates the opposite trajectory through his experience.
Case Study: The Shift from Golden Child to Scapegoat
Now let’s look at another situation where scapegoating happens much later. Sometimes the younger son would be seen as the golden child for appearing gentle, well-behaved, and obedient. Let’s consider the story of Josh’s younger brother Phil, aged 31 years old, who grew up in the same household. As a child, he was known to be quiet, sweet, and likable.
Initial Praise: Phil was seen as the “golden child” early on. He was praised for being easy-going. He did what pleased his parents.
Shift to Scapegoat: As Phil matured, his personality and preferences started to develop. This brought disapproval to his father who saw this as a threat. This led to his father’s anger and emotional manipulation where Phil was seen as the problem.
Long-Term Effects: This would cause Phil to second-guess himself and to think that he must be perfect to be accepted. This would also lead to constant guilt in adulthood.
Challenging Assumptions: Strength vs. Weakness in Scapegoating
It is always thought that narcissistic families target someone deemed as weak. A lot of the literature has stated this, but others have said this is not the case. I agree with the latter as I think it can be quite complicated.
On one hand, if a son is gentle, empathetic, and caring when they’re young, they’re seen positively. Those characteristics can be seen as feminine. This will be used against the son with those characteristics, but also the masculine mentioned earlier.
They thwart the latter through guilt but try to praise the feminine characters. They still see a son with these traits as a threat. These traits could lessen the feminine ones. They might strengthen the more masculine traits as the son gets older.
Conclusion: Inviting Reader Engagement
This is a very complex matter and something. It took me some time to figure out and still doing my learning on. I will be discussing more of this topic in future content.
I would like to hear from you. In your experience, what things do you feel decide how a male is assigned the scapegoat role? What are your own experiences if they resonate? Have you seen any other patterns that I have not mentioned or you feel could be discussed further?
At around 11 a.m. on the 11th month of the year, the wait is finally over. A new journey begins with this primary post from me to you. I remember coming across a similar blog during this Autumn-to-Winter transition nearly a decade ago, but it disappeared quickly. Now, I feel compelled to create something similar. My intention is to keep it forever for myself and for all of you. I suppose the current season has inspired me to do this.
The time for celebration and events is approaching quickly. It dawned on me as Thanksgiving takes place next Thursday for my American counterparts. After that, Black Friday will occur next week, prompting a few thoughts to enter my mind. The holiday season – or festive season, depending on your country – is rapidly approaching. This time of year can evoke a range of emotions, from cheerfulness to feeling down and everything in between.
Nonetheless, for those who consider themselves the “Black Sheep,” this experience can be even more complex. It often brings up a multitude of thoughts and feelings.
Before diving deeper, let me briefly explain what being a “Black Sheep” means. It has various definitions. It is generally used to describe someone who is distinct from the rest. This is particularly true within a family system. In psychological contexts, this is called the “Black Sheep Effect.” An individual faces negative bias from their ingroup. They are judged more harshly compared to a similar outgroup member who is deemed deviant and threatens group identity.
For men, being a Black Sheep could manifest in several ways, including:
– Receiving inconsistent criticism about your masculinity from family members who feel threatened by it, or being ridiculed as a child for not meeting certain expectations (e.g., “boys don’t cry”).
– Being Scapegoated or taking the blame for family issues that aren’t your fault.
– Experiencing tension and conflict with family members without understanding the root cause.
– Struggling with self-esteem and identity issues due to receiving mixed signals and feedback.
– Feeling pressure to be perfect and meet expectations that are disconnected from your true self.
– Feeling out of sync with your family’s values and worldview.
– Dealing with immediate family members who show strong narcissistic tendencies.
The last point is one of the key themes I intend to focus on in this blog series. I believe it serves as a catalyst for the other issues mentioned. Growing up in a narcissistic family system can be destructive and dangerous. This is particularly true if you’re unaware of what is happening and how to cope with it. Scapegoating is often not readily recognized. I wasn’t aware of it myself until I reflected on my experiences as I matured.
In the upcoming series, I aim to discuss various topics related to narcissistic parents and other family members. I will start with parents because they lay the foundation. I will also explore other relationships and topics, including gender dynamics, understanding narcissistic family dynamics, coping strategies, and real-life scenarios.
Recognizing your role as a Black Sheep can be the first step toward healing and self-empowerment. It helps you understand that the issues within your family were not your fault. You have the power to redefine your identity and relationships on your own terms.
I have exciting news. I am announcing a pre-launch for my new ebook, “Unshackled: A Man’s Journey from Family Scapegoat to Self-Empowerment.” In this ebook, I dive deeper into the experience of being Scapegoated from a male perspective. I also share the lessons I’ve learned along the way. The pre-launch is set for December 2nd, 2024! More details about the full release will be confirmed closer to that date in my next post.
In the meantime, I invite you to share experiences that resonate with you. Share any experiences with men you know in your life. “What has your experience been as a Black Sheep in your family?”
