In the past, I always assumed that if someone said something, it must be true. I also believed that if they said they would do something, it would happen. In my subconscious, I thought it was only partially true since sometimes there can be mixed messages. Later on, I realized it was really clear-cut. I learned this particularly when dealing with narcissistic family members. This lesson helped save me a lot of trouble. You must ignore what people say and watch what they do.
If someone says they love you or that they support you, it is not about how often they say it. What matters is how often those actions actually follow through. If someone offers to help you and this never materializes, their actions speak louder than their words.
I would say this works well in all types of relationships and different settings. It also weeds out the genuine people from the fake people by managing expectations.
In my last blog, I discussed the role of misandry in shaping the female matriarch’s perception of men. This perception influences their behavior. I will say one thing though. There is a lot of splitting in how they would view men. This can be seen in how they perceive their father, husband, and even their own sons.
Much of it is compartmentalized. For instance, they categorize all men as bad. This initially applies particularly to men who are of no relation. Then they would see their husband/spouse as a model citizen. They view them as upstanding and having the perfect marriage with them. Yet, behind closed doors, there are many problems, tension, and dissatisfaction between themselves and the spouse.
If the husband is just as toxic and dysfunctional, they never confide to anyone about this. Not even to close family or friends. So no one suspects anything is wrong except their children. The matriarch narcissist will brush this aside. She will encourage them not to tell outsiders. They are urged to keep the image fitting the narrative of the narcissistic nuclear family. They mold their sons into the perfect gentleman. They dictate that the sons have to be a certain way. They must not be like the other ‘bad men’ out there. Indirectly, she scapegoat their sons by seeing them as the problem and not her difficult husband. She imposes that they change their behavior, their friendship groups, and their interests.
The contradiction in this situation means the matriarch narcissist fails to demand the same behavior from her husband. He is just as much a narcissist as she is. In fact, in this type of marriage, they team up in a dysfunctional way. They scapegoat their own sons by treating them as if they’re grown adult men. They set expectations inappropriately. This would also involve treating them differently, depending on their personalities. This involves a lot of splitting. One son can be difficult in general. Still, as long as he is obedient to her, the former does not matter. Another son or even a relative like a nephew appears to be very easygoing. She fails to see that because he can see through the facade and manipulation. So, he would be a scapegoat by her labeling him as difficult, rebellious and head strong. Further associating him with bad men.
This model is very unsustainable and does not last over time. For one, the matriarch’s illusion of the so-called ‘perfect’ husband cracks. Like most narcissists, he gets worse over time. His behavior is exposed to all around them through incidents like imprisonment, infidelity, and being irresponsible with money. The matriarch narcissist infantilize younger male relatives. She latches onto those same people. They can be either sons or nephews. This happens when her marital life becomes more questionable and chaotic. She seeks their help be it financial or emotional support. The roles have reversed. Now the spouse is seen as incompetent. Even if still married, the matriarch narcissist would portray herself as a de-facto ‘single mother’. This is just to gain sympathy and see herself as the victim.
Ultimately, with all of her actions, she seeks to create a male scapegoat. She causes triangulation and division. A father and son turn on each other. More commonly, brothers start to turn on each other. They scapegoat each other. They fail to pin the blame on the Matriarch narcissist, who was the main instigator.
If you grew up as the male scapegoat in a family led by female narcissists—especially a mother and other key women exhibiting extreme misandry (hatred/contempt for the masculine role)—you lived in an impossible reality.
This family system is a paradox built on a lie: the belief that all men are either dangerous or useless. This trauma-based belief, usually inherited from an abusive or absent father figure, becomes the bedrock of the mother’s emotional structure.
But the central truth of this system is that it doesn’t want you to be either strong or weak. It needs you to be perpetually stuck in between, serving its control.
🎭 The Impossible Double-Bind
The misandric female narcissist (M-FN) places the male in a devastating no-win situation. The contradiction is stark: they demand subservience and compliance, yet they utterly despise men who meet those demands.
Demand 1: Be Subservient and Safe
The M-FN requires men to be passive, compliant, and emotionally available for control. This is the survival strategy for a woman who spent decades fearing male authority.
The Problem: A man who fully complies and never asserts independence proves the M-FN’s contemptuous belief that men are weak and spineless. She demands this behavior but secretly despises it, as it confirms her own lack of respect for him.
Demand 2: Be Strong (But Never Independent)
Deep down, the M-FN’s innate psychological wiring still craves a partner or male figure who embodies strength, independence, and protection.
The Problem: When the son (the scapegoat) naturally matures into an emotionally healthy, principled, and autonomous male, he becomes the system’s greatest threat. His self-respect and boundaries are seen as a hostile act of abandonment and a direct challenge to her control.
The result? You are punished for being weak, and you are punished more severely for being strong. This is the cage.
🎯 The Son: The Living Proxy of the Enemy
Why is the son the primary target of this misandry and contempt?
The Physical Reminder: The son is a biological reminder of the man (or men) who inflicted the original trauma or abandonment. That deep-seated fear and hatred for the male gender is displaced onto the easiest, most accessible male target: the child.
The Contempt Shield: For other women in the family, the “Mrs. Independent, Men Are Useless” front is a contempt shield. It justifies their failure to maintain healthy relationships and allows them to gain supply via pity and superiority. The healthy, autonomous male exposes the lie of their shield.
The Plotting Paradox: You will see the M-FNs ally with predictable male narcissists in the family. This is not out of trust; it is out of utility. They will use the known evil (the dysfunctional male) to attack the uncontrollable threat (the emotionally healthy male) because they would rather cling to a controlled tragedy than face an autonomous reality.
💥 The Inevitable Downfall of the Matriarch
The only way to win this game is to recognize that the system is doomed.
I recently observed this in my own mother’s desperate, repeated attempts to contact me after significant life changes. She lost the structure that protected her facade, which exacerbated her neediness and proved that all the life achievements couldn’t fill the internal void.
The Lesson: Narcissistic misery is not a passing phase; it is the inevitable final chapter for those who choose fear, control, and contempt over genuine human connection. They get worse and more pathetic with age because they destroy every support system they have.
Your Path to Freedom
The moment you recognize this double-bind, you step outside the cage. Your actions are your greatest defense:
No Reaction is Supply Denied: Your silence, especially to things like the wrong name, is the strongest possible boundary.
Claim Your Identity: Actions like going No Contact, changing your name, and maintaining silence are the ultimate declarations that you are no longer the person they seek to control.
Choose Sovereignty: You are not responsible for their misery, their trauma, or their narrative. By choosing emotional health, you become the uncontrollable threat that eventually forces their system to collapse—but you are safe outside of the rubble.
In narcissistic families, the scapegoat role is rarely about fairness — it’s about control. Traditionally, people assume the family resents the scapegoat because he displays traits they secretly wish they had: confidence, strength, independence. And yes, that’s part of the story. But there’s another, often-overlooked reason: the scapegoat refuses to show the illusion they’ve built for themselves.
For a male scapegoat, this rejection can feel even more dangerous to them. In their world, you’re not supposed to have boundaries. You’re supposed to bend. You should smooth over conflict. You are expected to protect the family image at your own expense. When you stop doing that, you start to say “no.” You start to focus on your own needs without guilt. You’re no longer a safe mirror for their ego.
And that’s when the claws come out.
It’s not always about you being “difficult.” It’s about you no longer being useful to the fantasy they’re selling themselves and everyone else. A male scapegoat who stops people-pleasing becomes an uncomfortable reminder that real self-respect doesn’t depend on constant approval. You become proof that you can survive — even thrive — without their validation.
They don’t just lose control over you. They lose the comfort of the illusion that everyone buys into their version of reality. And instead of respecting your independence, they double down — harsher words, more subtle jabs, sometimes outright smear campaigns.
But here’s the truth they don’t want you to realize. Once you’ve broken free from the role, you can’t be put back in it. This only happens if you choose to step back in. Standing firm is an act they can’t bear to witness. This includes setting boundaries, saying no, and protecting your mental space.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 