In the modern world, most people learn to ‘bite their tongue.’ This is especially true for men. They are taught to just go with the flow. If you go against this, it is considered to be too abrasive and inconsiderate. You see this a lot in friend circles, romantic relationships, work settings, and religious communities.
But in the narcissistic family, the ‘boat’ is a cage. It is used to keep people locked in. They have no way of getting out. I have also observed that this works on very small children. It works on the women as well. They have no way of defending themselves. But as a man, you’re naturally more assertive and can defend yourself. This is seen as a threat, and the goal is that you do not leave their control and influence. This situation is not sustainable. Men have an ego. To use this healthily, they need to give their opinions and have their own preferences. It will seem difficult to ‘rock the boat’. You will initially feel like a bad person. Nevertheless, from my personal experience, people respect you more. They see you as more genuine and authentic.
Plus, speaking your mind will make you feel better and increase your self-esteem. This is because you will have no regrets. This is opposed to months or even years down the line when you regretted staying silent. Malignant and toxic people will not be pleased when you refuse to be quiet. Yet, deep down, they respect this. It also explains why a lot of narcissistic people treat each other poorly. No one speaks out or leaves.
I also realized that people who generally like you and appreciate you being in their life will respond positively. They would not react negatively to you speaking your mind. It really is a test of who is genuine and who appreciates you for who you really are.
I made a video last week. In it, I discussed the concept that being a male scapegoat is not always assigned at birth. It can happen at different ages and stages of life. I came across a page on Instagram run by a young woman from West Africa. She had a post on her page featuring a caption about the ‘Good Girl’ concept. It was written about growing up with the expectation of being seen as ‘perfect’. It encouraged staying out of trouble, avoiding risks, and discouraging stepping outside their comfort zone.
I thought about this for a while, which included my own past experiences and also the last video I did. It made a great deal of sense. In general, I think the current generation of men is pushed in a very narrow direction. The days when you could simply be your natural self as a boy are over. You can’t just fall over, dust yourself off, and try again. Yet, healthy parents realize that this is necessary to help boys become well-rounded, competent, and resilient men. This is also a standard to be instilled in all children in a household.
In contrast, the narcissistic household thinks differently and instead creates triangulation by treating their sons differently very early on. They let some of their children get away with everything, or have different standards. They pick a rebel who they need to constantly tame and make them follow their every demand. Some sons get treated as future cash cows. But there is a particular type of son, whom they want to turn into a ‘Good Boy.’ This is like pre-scapegoating but in reverse.
Since narcissistic parents like control, they try to create a god-like, prophet-like persona of their son. They don’t want them to experience growth and be strong. Rather, they wish them to be at the mercy of their whims. They do not even know who that son really is, including their interests and outlook on life. Still, they act like a higher power has disappointed them. As a result, they scapegoat this son when he decides not to follow the strict path. Those first 10 or 20 years of his life become a distant memory. Parents struggle to reconcile their son’s true self.
This is a slight expansion on my YouTube video from Tuesday. It touches on something I have observed a lot in the past. I think it deserves more than a video on it. It is the idea of narcissistic people and helping. All of them do this to a certain degree, but they do it in very cryptic and unique ways. They do this to get what they want, which is people to admire them and think that they’re good people. The reasons are much darker in the context of very close relationships. This includes relationships with family and very close friends.
They do this to exert control, to make you doubt yourself and your capabilities. It is also to show that you’re a constant burden that needs their help forever. In terms of being a male who is scapegoated, it is used to undermine your growing development. For instance, the ‘help’ they offered you as a child was less intense. Sometimes, it was completely non-existent. This isn’t a surprise, as these types of people only care about themselves. But, in some contexts, as you grow into a man, they suddenly want to be more involved. They also want to be more helpful as you become independent. On other occasions, they make this into a big deal, and it’s something you’re indebted to them forever. I will explain next how they do this.
Firstly, they do this through a covert method, which I have called ‘ The Infantilizing Soft Dominance’. This is where a narcissistic family member tries to interfere with your life and give unsolicited advice. They try to help you with simple tasks or situations that you could easily do yourself. There is also a condescending mother-like tone that they use. Within this context, it is usually an older female family member. For example, a mom, grandma, or aunt. In some other cases, it can also be a male in your life who acts like this. They often have more covert narcissistic traits and can include people like a sibling or a close friend. The common denominator with all these people is that their behaviors are driven by low self-esteem. They also have a need to feel important and wanted. That’s why it’s best to calmly and clearly assert boundaries against these types of people.
The next way their ‘help’ is expressed is what I call ‘The Burdened Martyrdom Trap’. They do help, but it is often when you ask for it. When they do offer to help, they do want you to ‘smell the exhaust’ of their effort. They would even insist on helping even if you decide to decline later on. They do express their displeasure by showing a short temper, heavy sighing, and grunting. There is also a discipline-like tone with these types of people. For example, think of an emotionally abusive father, an unhelpful manager at work, or a strict sports coach. They like to hang the concept of ‘help’ over your head. It feels like you owe them for life, regardless of how they treat you. They also like to try to emasculate you. These types of people easily smell weakness and exploit it. They’re operating on a level of insecurity, resentment, and internal emotional battles they’re unwilling to face. I say it is best to fully stand up for yourself, even if it looks like you’re being mean. Nonetheless, the smarter choice is to avoid this type at all costs.
How Narcissistic Family Systems Use Roles — and Why the Male Scapegoat Breaks the Spell
Halloween is the one time of year the world celebrates masks. But for those raised in narcissistic families, masks are a daily reality — and they’re not for fun.
These family systems operate through illusion, performance, and control. Every member is assigned a role, and stepping outside that role threatens the whole façade.
Common roles include:
The Golden Child – the “perfect” projection
The Scapegoat – the truth-teller, blamed and punished
Flying Monkeys – enforcers of the illusion
The Narcissistic Parent(s) – the director of the performance
Everyone is wearing a mask… Except the scapegoat.
And that is precisely why he becomes the threat.
🎭 The Role You Refused to Play
Narcissistic families don’t want individuals. They want mirrors, obedience, and emotional labor.
The scapegoat isn’t rejected because he is flawed — He is rejected because he refuses to submit to a lie.
He won’t: ✅ perform for approval ✅ shrink himself for others’ comfort ✅ feed the fantasy ✅ abandon his identity ✅ be the emotional sacrifice forever
They don’t punish you for being weak. They punish you because you were strong enough not to be controlled.
👻 When You Take Off the Mask
Once you stop performing and begin to break free:
You set boundaries
You choose independence
You focus on your identity and purpose
You stop chasing people who don’t see your worth
You embrace self-respect over people-pleasing
The illusion collapses.
And when the mask slips, they panic. Not because you harmed them — but because you saw through them.
Your truth threatens their fiction.
🕯️ Light Always Terrifies Shadows
These families only hold power when everyone cooperates with the illusion.
When you step away from the role, you expose the truth:
They were never what they pretended to be.
Your healing is their loss of control. Your boundaries are their defeat. Your freedom is the only closure you ever needed.
You didn’t lose a family. You escaped a performance.
🎬 Closing
This Halloween, remember:
Some monsters don’t wear costumes. They wear masks.
And your greatest act of rebellion was taking yours off first.
📌 Part 2 Coming Next Friday
Stay tuned for the continuation — and watch my related video on YouTube @SonintheShadows.
I hope you all had an enjoyable and well-rested Christmas Day. For those who do not celebrate it, I hope yesterday was a great day for you as well. I have earlier touched upon the holiday period and provided updates on my eBook. The time from the day after Christmas to New Year’s Eve is usually for planning. It’s also a period for resting and reflection.
I now want to dig deeper to discuss important topics related to the blog. Some of you can relate to this, but others might not be completely familiar with it. In my first post, I talked about the meaning of Scapegoating. I will mainly focus on the male experience. Now, I will give my thoughts and opinions on how this is determined.
A male can be scapegoated in different ways in a narcissistic family and for many reasons. Through my personal observations and experiences, I have noticed various nuances. It is not a black and white scenario. Different patterns and stages in life can alter how this role can be assigned.
Narcissistic Family Roles: Golden Child, Scapegoat, and More
As I will touch upon in future content, narcissistic family members, especially parents, assign different roles to their children. The main types are the:
Golden Child: Seen as reflective of all the good qualities of the family and who does no wrong.
Scapegoat: Blamed for all the family problems and seen as a difficult person.
Lost Child: Not much attention is paid towards them.
Yet, there are also extra roles like the mascot. This extra role would be a child who tries to instill humor. It aims to convey fun. This serves as a distraction from the real problems. Initially, I always thought the roles were assigned due to birth order and even gender, which happens sometimes.
This is dependent on different variables, including the response the parents receive at the time or how they’re feeling. I always thought it would typically be the oldest who is scapegoated. This happens because the eldest child may notice the early signs of dysfunction. They are the first to spend time with their parents. Whatever a narcissistic family feels is a threat to them is immediately thwarted. This could take the form of a combination of emotional manipulation and physical abuse to keep the eldest in line.
Another way that males can be scapegoated is by attacking a son’s character. If there are multiple sons in a family, for example, one may decide to show masculine characteristics like assertiveness. This can include independent thought and healthy disagreement. When this happens, they are demonized. They are made out to be a problem child. They are seen as going against family values.
The roles also switch. That particular son may be the golden child when they are much younger. This is particularly true if they’re seen as quiet and gentle.
Case Study: The Eldest Son’s Experience
In many narcissistic families, the eldest son often finds himself in the scapegoat role early on. Consider the story of “Josh.” He is a 38-year-old man who grew up in a family with a highly narcissistic father. As the eldest child, Josh initially showed more assertive behavior earlier on in comparison to his younger siblings.
Initial Criticism: Josh was seen as the “Scapegoat” during his early years. His father would use excessive physical punishment for small mistakes. He punished Josh if he voiced an opinion the father did not like. He would undermine his self-esteem by stating he was “stubborn and ungrateful.”
Shift to Golden Child: As Josh matured, he stopped challenging his father’s controlling behavior. This would lead him to internalize everything his father thought and to take on his father’s mentality. Josh received excessive praise from his father. He did whatever it took to gain his approval. This was often not the best decision for Josh.
Long-Term Effects: Josh experienced early scapegoating, which transitioned him into the golden child role. As he got older, he struggled with feelings of inadequacy. He also faced issues with his sense of self. He realized he had to prove his worth. He adopted traits learned from his father, which led to more narcissistic and dysfunctional behavior.
Josh’s story illustrates how a scapegoat can transition to a golden child. His younger brother, Phil, demonstrates the opposite trajectory through his experience.
Case Study: The Shift from Golden Child to Scapegoat
Now let’s look at another situation where scapegoating happens much later. Sometimes the younger son would be seen as the golden child for appearing gentle, well-behaved, and obedient. Let’s consider the story of Josh’s younger brother Phil, aged 31 years old, who grew up in the same household. As a child, he was known to be quiet, sweet, and likable.
Initial Praise: Phil was seen as the “golden child” early on. He was praised for being easy-going. He did what pleased his parents.
Shift to Scapegoat: As Phil matured, his personality and preferences started to develop. This brought disapproval to his father who saw this as a threat. This led to his father’s anger and emotional manipulation where Phil was seen as the problem.
Long-Term Effects: This would cause Phil to second-guess himself and to think that he must be perfect to be accepted. This would also lead to constant guilt in adulthood.
Challenging Assumptions: Strength vs. Weakness in Scapegoating
It is always thought that narcissistic families target someone deemed as weak. A lot of the literature has stated this, but others have said this is not the case. I agree with the latter as I think it can be quite complicated.
On one hand, if a son is gentle, empathetic, and caring when they’re young, they’re seen positively. Those characteristics can be seen as feminine. This will be used against the son with those characteristics, but also the masculine mentioned earlier.
They thwart the latter through guilt but try to praise the feminine characters. They still see a son with these traits as a threat. These traits could lessen the feminine ones. They might strengthen the more masculine traits as the son gets older.
Conclusion: Inviting Reader Engagement
This is a very complex matter and something. It took me some time to figure out and still doing my learning on. I will be discussing more of this topic in future content.
I would like to hear from you. In your experience, what things do you feel decide how a male is assigned the scapegoat role? What are your own experiences if they resonate? Have you seen any other patterns that I have not mentioned or you feel could be discussed further?
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 