A difficulty that a lot of us face is not knowing what we actually want. It seems simple at first for the basic things. A lot of us know what restaurant we like to eat at. We also know who our favorite sports team is and our favorite place to go on holiday. Yet, I find that we can get stuck. For our core needs, goals, and aspirations, it becomes more of a challenge.
We may not know how to verbalize or precisely pinpoint what we want yet. But believe me that deep down we really know it, especially as a man. We are meant to be decisive and take charge in what we want. This is something naturally ingrained. We know it when we’re deciding the venue for a date. We know it when we’re wanting a new car. We know it when choosing a property to buy for the long-term. It is important and crucial for a mans development and personal happiness. Instead some of us were not giving the appropriate tools to practice and hone this. This is especially true if you had rigid cult-like household growing up.
You would only be guided to a certain path, though I say that loosely. It was more about control and coercion. For those of certain backgrounds, like African or Indian, you’re typically told that university is the only way. There is no guidance to explore other opportunities for other areas, like the trades and the arts. I believe that this causes most of us to be unsure of what we want. University is less valuable than it was many decades ago. In fact, most degrees are useless unless you want to become a doctor.
Ultimately, it leads you to settle for less not knowing what you truly want. There is another perspective. Instead of focusing right away on what you want, it’s more useful to think about what you don’t want. This has also made it a lot easier for myself. I realized if I uphold no boundaries for what I don’t want, what I want can’t truly happen. It becomes difficult. So by putting together a list or itinerary what you don’t want it creates a blueprint. It is basically the bigger picture, so you should decide on this holistically.
For instance, it can be as simple as not being around people who are always negative. Another idea is avoiding living in a certain city or neighborhood. You can also find certain attributes you do not want in a future partner/spouse. These are just examples. I realized that cutting ties with toxic family members helps. When you go no contact, it becomes much easier recognizing what you don’t want. After being in such an environment, I would accept most things. Later, it shocked me to realize how easy it was to decide what I do not want.
On that note, happy December 1st. It is the start of a new month. Hopefully, you can use this opportunity to start addressing what you truly don’t want. This is something I continuously do. It doesn’t stop. Ultimately, it will lead us all to what we truly want.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 