In the past, I always assumed that if someone said something, it must be true. I also believed that if they said they would do something, it would happen. In my subconscious, I thought it was only partially true since sometimes there can be mixed messages. Later on, I realized it was really clear-cut. I learned this particularly when dealing with narcissistic family members. This lesson helped save me a lot of trouble. You must ignore what people say and watch what they do.
If someone says they love you or that they support you, it is not about how often they say it. What matters is how often those actions actually follow through. If someone offers to help you and this never materializes, their actions speak louder than their words.
I would say this works well in all types of relationships and different settings. It also weeds out the genuine people from the fake people by managing expectations.
Many people view anger as negative. If you show you’re angry, then it reflects badly on you. Not only that, but it can also be used as a shaming tactic. Toxic individuals often invalidate your experiences, views, and opinions. Even when you have every right to feel the anger.
I am here to tell you, anger, when used in a healthy way, can be the key to moving ahead. It can also help tackle challenges and tasks head on. It goes hand in hand with tolerance. The lower your tolerance for certain things, the more you will manage to assert your anger when needed. In a toxic and narcissistic household unhealthy and unregulated anger is the default. It is used to bully and try to emasculate you. This just leads to shutting down and repressing yourself, and not being to recognize when someone is disrespecting you. If someone is trying to shame anger, what they’re really doing is manipulating you. This doesn’t just start when you are a boy but leaks into your romantic life, friendships and work life.
There come’s a time in a man’s life where you hit a certain threshold and you need to shift gears. The anger is not about getting back at someone. Instead, it’s to put a level of fear in them. Without an ounce of fear (healthy), anyone can cross your boundaries. The problem is narcissistic family members take this to an absolute extreme. They hold onto anger and use it for a long time. It then becomes a way of life. This should not be the goal for you or for your future. Leading with anger permanently will not lead to true happiness. Nevertheless, you can use it to get out of the shadows. Make sure it is controlled and only for a very short period.
Being a male scapegoat, it is easy to think that growing up in this environment would have subpar living standards. One might always assume it would be in a state of poverty or crisis. This is not the case at all. Some individuals do grow up in hard situations. But many guys in this dysfunctional scenario often grow up in comfortable and sometimes affluent backgrounds.
This is the main point I want to get across in this post. Living luxuriously or coming from a lot of money just prolongs being around narcissistic and toxic parents. First of all, most people would assume you were provided with good clothes. They would think you attended a nice school and had an abundance of material possessions. But a lot of narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves, which isn’t a surprise. Narcissistic fathers see their sons as extensions of themselves. Sons are the ones to carry the family name, so they expect them to be a particular way. This is especially the case if the father is a high-profile man.
Behind the glamorous life, nice home, and good family image, the son suffers silently. This occurs because they’re not given room to be themselves. They only serve their parents and, in some cases, their siblings. How can someone appreciate a good life if they’re also not allowed to prosper internally? For those who do not know what really goes on, this would be seen as ungrateful. Then again, I could ask, how could such a son manage to navigate the real world? How can he grow and learn when they’re constantly spoon-fed? The result is you don’t have a man who has grown. Instead, you have someone who is internally stuck as a child despite outwardly appearing as a full-grown man.
This is also why the more financially successful and wholesome a narcissistic family appears, the worse they can sometimes be. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. They’re the perfect example of ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’. So remember this: what may look good to others on the outside can also hide the realities faced.
It is officially 2026, and we’re now in the last year of the mid-2020s. Most people are planning and talking. They discuss what they want to achieve. They talk about what they want to do. They consider what they want to experience. Then they think about where they want to go and what they want to change.
A dark cloud suddenly hangs above their head. They think about the last year. They look at what went wrong. They review the mistakes made. They ruminate on the goals that were not yet achieved. They ponder the problems that occurred and the bad things that happened. Honestly, this is a completely natural thing to do, and it’s something I often find myself doing. But let’s not be too hard on ourselves. Instead, we need to be harder on other things, what I mean is, with what we tolerate. They say patience is a virtue. This is true. Thus, tolerance becomes important. We all have to endure pain, struggle, and stagnation. This is what builds character. But if you’re too tolerant of the wrong things, it becomes a hindrance.
If you become tolerant of certain behaviors from others, especially family members, you send the message that it is okay. You’re indirectly saying that it is acceptable. You are also suggesting that it can continue. This also applies to colleagues and a job you’re not satisfied with. Instead of tolerance being a path to making you feel better, you start to feel worse. You then accept your lot in life and believe you deserve the things you’re tolerated. I find that in this society, we are taught tolerance to a fault, particularly when it comes to people. I feel tolerance for people (depending on the scenario) should be the last priority. As you should build that tolerance for your own life, your own goals, and preferences.
Tolerance can be used as a weapon by others. When you show less tolerance, you become the bad guy. It has nothing to do with being mean or an asshole, but rather less tolerance equals more self-respect. Also, when you become less tolerant, people will then have to rethink how they conduct themselves around you.
As we’re in a New Year, let’s all decide what we’re willing to tolerate. At the same time, we should recognize what we shouldn’t. This makes the difference between a well-spent year and a year wasted.
Life is full of uncertainty, and if you’re struggling with it, you’re not alone. It’s okay to not have all the answers right now.
For many of us, especially those coming from narcissistic family dynamics, uncertainty can feel overwhelming. We’re often conditioned to seek control, to have answers, to follow a clear path. But what if I told you that uncertainty doesn’t have to be feared? It’s a part of life that allows us to grow and create new opportunities.
It’s okay to not know the next step. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is embrace the unknown. It gives us room to explore, learn, and redefine ourselves.
If you’re feeling unsure about the future, remember this: uncertainty means you’re pushing boundaries. That’s a good thing.
So take a breath. You’re allowed to take your time, figure things out at your own pace, and trust that the answers will come.
“You had the most friends when you were the worst version of yourself.”
I recently came across this quote, and it hit deep. It speaks to a reality many of us have experienced. This is especially true for those who grew up as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family.
From a young age, we’re taught that being surrounded by people is a sign of success. In school, at home, and in society, we’re conditioned to believe that social validation equals worth. But for those raised by narcissistic parents, this belief is often weaponized against us.
We’re led to believe that solitude means failure. That without constant social approval, we will struggle and fall apart. It also This couldn’t be further from the truth.
The teenage years are especially critical. It’s when we’re most impressionable—trying to fit in, seeking acceptance, and forming our identity. Narcissistic parents, the education system, and even our so-called friends capitalize on this. They shape us into people who doubt themselves. We fear being alone and crave external validation.
But embracing solitude isn’t a weakness. It’s where real self-discovery begins.
I encourage you to keep moving ahead, whether with people by your side or alone. If alone, then you will eventually find your tribe who align with the newer and better version of yourself.
While today is often celebrated as a day for romantic love, it’s also a perfect opportunity to reflect on the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself.
“You should tell people who you are, otherwise they will do this for you.” This quote, often attributed to Ursula K. Le Guin, hits at the heart of self-esteem, especially for men. In a world that constantly bombards us with images of what we should be – it’s easy to lose sight of who we actually are. We start letting external forces, societal expectations, and even the opinions of others define us. But what happens when those external measures of worth crumble? What’s left when the applause fades?
This post, number 14 in our journey through Sons in the Shadows, dives into the crucial connection between self-esteem and owning your identity. It’s about building a foundation of inner security that doesn’t depend on likes, validation, or the fleeting approval of others.
The quote above isn’t just about telling people your name or your job title. It’s about declaring your values, your passions, your beliefs – the core elements that make you you. It’s about taking ownership of your narrative, rather than letting others write it for you. When we allow external forces to define us, we become chameleons, constantly shifting and adapting to fit someone else’s mold. This can lead to a sense of emptiness and a constant craving for validation.
Think about it. How often do you find yourself striving for things that you think will impress others, rather than pursuing what truly brings you joy and fulfillment? We chase the socially respected job, having the scripted life plan, or mold our personalities to fit a certain ideal, all in the hope of earning approval. But this is a fragile foundation. External validation is fleeting. It’s like building your house on sand – eventually, it will shift and crumble.
True self-esteem comes from within. It’s about cultivating a deep sense of self-acceptance and believing in your own worth, regardless of external circumstances. It’s about recognizing your strengths, acknowledging your weaknesses, and embracing the totality of who you are – flaws and all. And here’s the kicker: this inner security is incredibly attractive.
Not in a superficial, “look at me” kind of way. Genuine confidence and self-acceptance radiate outwards. When you’re secure in who you are, you don’t need to put on a show or pretend to be someone you’re not. This authenticity draws people to you. It builds genuine connections and attracts positive things into your life. People are drawn to those who are comfortable in their own skin, who aren’t afraid to be themselves.
So, how do you cultivate this inner security? It’s a journey, not a destination, but here are a few steps you can take:
Challenge Negative Self-Talk: Become aware of the negative thoughts that run through your head. Are you constantly criticizing yourself? Replace those negative thoughts with positive affirmations.
Focus on Your Strengths: Take time to acknowledge your accomplishments, both big and small. What are you good at? What are you proud of?
Set Realistic Goals: Set achievable goals for yourself and celebrate your progress along the way. Small wins can build momentum and boost your self-esteem.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself, especially when you make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of being human.
Surround Yourself with Positivity: Choose to spend time with people who lift you up and support you, not those who tear you down.
Building self-esteem takes time and effort, but it’s the most worthwhile investment you can make in yourself. It’s about taking ownership of your identity and defining yourself on your own terms. Remember, you should tell people who you are, otherwise, they will do this for you. Start today. Start now. Start with yourself.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 