An expressive bronze sculpture captures intertwined human forms on a wooden pedestal.
There is something that I noticed when navigating narcissistic family dynamics or any high-conflict environment: there is an unwritten rule to manage the emotions and moods of particular people. Whoever upsets them in any way, whether it be a disagreement or doing something that does not concern or involve the narcissist. They then play a very childish mind game where you have to guess how they feel and act accordingly. It is a passive-aggressive technique used to make you a slave to their emotions because, a lot of the time, it is too much for them to handle. This also proves that they’re simply cowards, as they lack the emotional strength to deal with them.
On the other hand, their fragile ego prevents them from getting the help they most certainly need to confront their disturbing, uncontrollable thoughts. It is not your job to get them to recognise this. It never works on people like that anyway. Narcissistic people like to manufacture a relationship where they’re the child, and you’re the parent, except that they behave like an ungrateful, spoilt, and demanding child. They also create dynamics in a more insidious way, where they expect their children to be surrogate spouses. Female narcissists have a strong tendency to do this with their sons, especially if the woman is single. This is not healthy and creates a very enmeshed, codependent dynamic. In this case, you should not fall for the guilt trip, and hopefully you come to the realization that your mom is sick and needs help.
You can apply this to other relationships and situations. In the end, we’re grown adults; as children, it is adults’ responsibility for their feelings, but as adults, we’re solely responsible for our own feelings. Do not let anyone think that this is unreasonable by taking such a stance.
While today is often celebrated as a day for romantic love, it’s also a perfect opportunity to reflect on the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself.
“You should tell people who you are, otherwise they will do this for you.” This quote, often attributed to Ursula K. Le Guin, hits at the heart of self-esteem, especially for men. In a world that constantly bombards us with images of what we should be – it’s easy to lose sight of who we actually are. We start letting external forces, societal expectations, and even the opinions of others define us. But what happens when those external measures of worth crumble? What’s left when the applause fades?
This post, number 14 in our journey through Sons in the Shadows, dives into the crucial connection between self-esteem and owning your identity. It’s about building a foundation of inner security that doesn’t depend on likes, validation, or the fleeting approval of others.
The quote above isn’t just about telling people your name or your job title. It’s about declaring your values, your passions, your beliefs – the core elements that make you you. It’s about taking ownership of your narrative, rather than letting others write it for you. When we allow external forces to define us, we become chameleons, constantly shifting and adapting to fit someone else’s mold. This can lead to a sense of emptiness and a constant craving for validation.
Think about it. How often do you find yourself striving for things that you think will impress others, rather than pursuing what truly brings you joy and fulfillment? We chase the socially respected job, having the scripted life plan, or mold our personalities to fit a certain ideal, all in the hope of earning approval. But this is a fragile foundation. External validation is fleeting. It’s like building your house on sand – eventually, it will shift and crumble.
True self-esteem comes from within. It’s about cultivating a deep sense of self-acceptance and believing in your own worth, regardless of external circumstances. It’s about recognizing your strengths, acknowledging your weaknesses, and embracing the totality of who you are – flaws and all. And here’s the kicker: this inner security is incredibly attractive.
Not in a superficial, “look at me” kind of way. Genuine confidence and self-acceptance radiate outwards. When you’re secure in who you are, you don’t need to put on a show or pretend to be someone you’re not. This authenticity draws people to you. It builds genuine connections and attracts positive things into your life. People are drawn to those who are comfortable in their own skin, who aren’t afraid to be themselves.
So, how do you cultivate this inner security? It’s a journey, not a destination, but here are a few steps you can take:
Challenge Negative Self-Talk: Become aware of the negative thoughts that run through your head. Are you constantly criticizing yourself? Replace those negative thoughts with positive affirmations.
Focus on Your Strengths: Take time to acknowledge your accomplishments, both big and small. What are you good at? What are you proud of?
Set Realistic Goals: Set achievable goals for yourself and celebrate your progress along the way. Small wins can build momentum and boost your self-esteem.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself, especially when you make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of being human.
Surround Yourself with Positivity: Choose to spend time with people who lift you up and support you, not those who tear you down.
Building self-esteem takes time and effort, but it’s the most worthwhile investment you can make in yourself. It’s about taking ownership of your identity and defining yourself on your own terms. Remember, you should tell people who you are, otherwise, they will do this for you. Start today. Start now. Start with yourself.
