I recently did a Youtube video this past Friday. In it, I discussed that when you break free, you experience different and conflicting types of communication. These come from the overt and covert toxic narcissists you grew up with or who raised you.
In some scenarios, you finally go no contact. The more overt person tries to use hoovering to bait you back in. They pretend to change and try to act like you’re being unreasonable. If this fails they become more aggressive in their tone and communication. It would consist of angry voicemails and long winded emails and texts. After some time, you hardly hear from them again. It as if they have just vanished. They sporadically return.
On the other hand, more covert individuals try to keep reaching out. They adopt a non-aggressive, calm, and casual demeanor. They act as if you speak to them regularly. It feels like you are just picking up from where you left off. Some of them would find an excuse just to contact you like happening to be in the same area. At other times, they can increase the level of contact. This does not necessarily happen every day or even every week. It can occur once a month or on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. As I mentioned on my Youtube video, their expectations are more deluded. They are unrealistic about the chances of you reciprocating.
That is it for now. Stay tuned for my next video this coming Friday @SonintheShadows where I discuss this in Part 2.
When you think of burnout, you think of the general physical tiredness—being incapable of continuing, having no energy. But this type of burnout goes deeper. It’s the kind that hits your soul. Especially if you’re the male scapegoat in a narcissistic family, you know exactly what I mean.
You were expected to be strong—but not too strong. Independent—but only in the ways they approved of. Emotional—but only when it served their narrative. It’s the emotional whiplash of being raised in a system that constantly shifted the goalposts. One day, you were “too soft.” The next, “too cold.” You were told to speak up—then punished when you did. Told to take responsibility—then blamed for things far outside your control.
Over time, that confusion turns to exhaustion.
Burnout for male scapegoats doesn’t just come from doing too much. It comes from being too much in a system that demanded you shrink. Being authentic, having integrity, and refusing to play along with the dysfunction—all of that takes energy. And when you’ve been doing it since childhood, the toll catches up. You start wondering if it’s even worth it. Should you keep fighting for peace when chaos has always been your default environment?
But here’s the truth: it is worth it. Not because they’ll ever change. But because you deserve a life that’s yours.
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish. Choosing rest doesn’t make you weak. And rebuilding your life—even if it’s brick by brick—is the strongest thing you can do.
Even in the exhaustion, even in the confusion—keep going. You’re not broken. You’re burnt out from surviving a lifetime of mixed messages. And that, in itself, proves your strength.
“Sometimes, your very existence is enough to trigger a storm. It’s not because you’ve done anything wrong. It’s because you shine light on everything they’ve tried to keep in the dark.”
A certain kind of pain doesn’t come from strangers. It comes from the people who should’ve known you best. Not because you hurt them, but because you reminded them of what they refused to heal in themselves. In narcissistic families, the black sheep isn’t a threat because they’re bad — they’re a threat because they’re the mirror.
The Reflection They Can’t Face
The mirror you shine signifies everything the narcissist isn’t — or everything they desperately try to pretend to be. Many narcissists put immense effort into projecting an image of being altruistic, community-minded, or the life of the party. Yet, when you naturally embody these traits, it exposes their act.
Sometimes, they react with exaggerated surprise, as if your natural kindness or authenticity is some kind of magic trick. You were just being you — but to them, that’s threatening.
The Image vs. The Reality
They also try to craft a tough, macho, “warrior” persona, regardless of gender. They covertly claim traits like independence, emotional control, assertiveness, and leadership as their own. Meanwhile, they project softer qualities onto you. These include kindness, nurturing, and gentleness. They do this because they don’t want those traits to define them.
This creates a strange tension. They might treat you like a “golden boy” for showing those traits. Deep down, they resent the fact that you express them with ease, while they have to fake it.
Your Strength Exposes Their Mask
The real conflict begins when you reveal your true strength — the independence, logic, resilience, and bravery they lack. Narcissistic families are built on control and manipulation, not true strength.
Every time you stand up for yourself, you reflect the part of them that’s weak or broken. Every time you refuse to play their games, you highlight the fact that their control isn’t absolute. To them, you’re not just defying them — you’re exposing them.
They Hate What You Reveal
Your presence is a mirror to their unhealed wounds. They interpret your integrity as defiance. Your authenticity as rebellion. And your strength as a direct challenge.
But the truth is, you’re not trying to fight them. You’re simply choosing to be yourself. And sometimes, being yourself is enough to make them want to tear you down. Your light exposes the darkness they’d rather keep hidden.
Life is full of uncertainty, and if you’re struggling with it, you’re not alone. It’s okay to not have all the answers right now.
For many of us, especially those coming from narcissistic family dynamics, uncertainty can feel overwhelming. We’re often conditioned to seek control, to have answers, to follow a clear path. But what if I told you that uncertainty doesn’t have to be feared? It’s a part of life that allows us to grow and create new opportunities.
It’s okay to not know the next step. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is embrace the unknown. It gives us room to explore, learn, and redefine ourselves.
If you’re feeling unsure about the future, remember this: uncertainty means you’re pushing boundaries. That’s a good thing.
So take a breath. You’re allowed to take your time, figure things out at your own pace, and trust that the answers will come.
Nearly three months ago, I wrote a blog post dedicated to the month of January. It focused on its challenges and the opportunity to develop strength and resilience to overcome them. January often sets the tone for the year. Yet, April offers a unique opportunity for a fresh start. It provides a second chance to build on what we began. It can also be a chance to start completely new.
This is not just for the start of January but can be applied to the beginning of any time period. Yet, I thought this would be quite fitting for April as this was the original New Year. Still till this day various cultures like many South East-Asian cultures celebrate this month as the new year. Also other places like the United Kingdom have April as the start of the new tax year.
It is also the start of spring. It marks a time of new beginnings. There are changes for the rest of the year. Forget to take up that hobby in January? It is not too late, now you can start it. Procrastinated on starting a project that you meant to in January? You can still pursue this right now in April. Or, if you couldn’t start going to the gym? No problem this can still be worked on this month and beyond.
By doing the things that didn’t work out or perhaps taking longer than expected, you develop resilience. You achieve this by continuing the task during periods of stress. Continue even when it isn’t going the way you want. You can apply this to recovering from your role as a black sheep, as you may hit roadblocks and curves. Just as long as you’re capable of staying on course you can overcome this. If you’re a man who feels like a black sheep, you may be too hard on yourself. You might experience setbacks not just in healing but also in professional, educational, and financial situations.
Resilience, in this context, is about reclaiming your narrative. It’s about refusing to let past labels define your future. It’s about building a foundation of self-worth that can withstand the inevitable setbacks. Resilience isn’t just about pushing through; it’s about adapting, learning from setbacks, and cultivating a positive mindset. It’s about recognizing that growth often comes from overcoming challenges. Even when things don’t go as planned, there’s always an opportunity to learn and evolve.
For men who have been labeled the black sheep, resilience is not only a tool for healing. It is also a way to build a new identity and reject the old labels. It is not always easy. To be able to move forward, and to heal from past wounds. However, small steps are still progress, and will eventually lead to a better future.
April is a reminder that we have the power to create new beginnings and cultivate resilience. Let’s embrace this opportunity to grow, heal, and thrive.
What are your goals for renewal this April? Share your tips for building resilience in the comments below!
“You had the most friends when you were the worst version of yourself.”
I recently came across this quote, and it hit deep. It speaks to a reality many of us have experienced. This is especially true for those who grew up as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family.
From a young age, we’re taught that being surrounded by people is a sign of success. In school, at home, and in society, we’re conditioned to believe that social validation equals worth. But for those raised by narcissistic parents, this belief is often weaponized against us.
We’re led to believe that solitude means failure. That without constant social approval, we will struggle and fall apart. It also This couldn’t be further from the truth.
The teenage years are especially critical. It’s when we’re most impressionable—trying to fit in, seeking acceptance, and forming our identity. Narcissistic parents, the education system, and even our so-called friends capitalize on this. They shape us into people who doubt themselves. We fear being alone and crave external validation.
But embracing solitude isn’t a weakness. It’s where real self-discovery begins.
I encourage you to keep moving ahead, whether with people by your side or alone. If alone, then you will eventually find your tribe who align with the newer and better version of yourself.
Have you ever felt stuck in a rut, yearning for change but afraid to take that first step?
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” – Neale Donald Walsch
“The comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.” – Unknown
“What you are afraid of is usually what you need to do.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – Wayne Gretzky
“Great things never come from comfort zones.” – Anonymous
What do all these quotes have in common? They explain that being comfortable might provide stability, but it ultimately stifles us from taking the next step. It is that first painful step that transforms our lives. I also believe that, as men, it’s in our natural instinct to push our boundaries. We earn rewards for overcoming challenges, whether that’s financial or an increase in pride. This is what has led civilizations to be built and humanity to evolve.
Sadly, it can be a misunderstood idea. We are taught that the ideal standard revolves around ‘playing it safe.’ I’m sure this is relatable in many areas of life. This is especially true for the black sheep of a toxic and narcissistic family of origin. We are often conditioned to avoid calling out problems or advocating for ourselves. As some of us know, it’s a painful process. You lose people, or their perceptions of you become negative. But this is where true growth occurs. When I did this in my own life, it felt very uncomfortable and foreign. Yet, in the long run, I felt much better and more mature.
This principle can be applied to many areas of life. It could be starting a new career, taking up a new hobby, or traveling somewhere different and unfamiliar. The principle is still the same. Not everyone will support this journey. It will be difficult. But ultimately, you’ll learn more about yourself. You’ll write a new story and create a new chapter. You’ll free yourself from whatever is holding you back.
It took me some time to reach this point, but I became far more satisfied. The times I was in my comfort zone were actually the most unfulfilled periods of my life. As we continue on this journey, I encourage you to embrace the unknown. Keep pushing forward. If setbacks occur, get up and fight another day.
So, what’s holding you back? What small step can you take today to step outside your comfort zone? Let’s keep pushing forward together.
We’re thrilled to share some exciting news with you! As part of our ongoing efforts to reach more readers and provide the best experience for our community. We are implementing significant changes. These changes will affect how you can access our ebook, “Unshackled: A man’s journey from Family Scapegoat to Self-Empowerment.”
Yesterday, we teased some upcoming changes…
Today, we’re excited to announce that “Unshackled” is now available on Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP) platform!
Why Amazon KDP?
By moving to Amazon KDP, we’re able to reach a wider audience and take advantage of Amazon’s powerful marketing tools. This means more opportunities for promotions and visibility, which will help us share this important story with even more readers.
While today is often celebrated as a day for romantic love, it’s also a perfect opportunity to reflect on the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself.
“You should tell people who you are, otherwise they will do this for you.” This quote, often attributed to Ursula K. Le Guin, hits at the heart of self-esteem, especially for men. In a world that constantly bombards us with images of what we should be – it’s easy to lose sight of who we actually are. We start letting external forces, societal expectations, and even the opinions of others define us. But what happens when those external measures of worth crumble? What’s left when the applause fades?
This post, number 14 in our journey through Sons in the Shadows, dives into the crucial connection between self-esteem and owning your identity. It’s about building a foundation of inner security that doesn’t depend on likes, validation, or the fleeting approval of others.
The quote above isn’t just about telling people your name or your job title. It’s about declaring your values, your passions, your beliefs – the core elements that make you you. It’s about taking ownership of your narrative, rather than letting others write it for you. When we allow external forces to define us, we become chameleons, constantly shifting and adapting to fit someone else’s mold. This can lead to a sense of emptiness and a constant craving for validation.
Think about it. How often do you find yourself striving for things that you think will impress others, rather than pursuing what truly brings you joy and fulfillment? We chase the socially respected job, having the scripted life plan, or mold our personalities to fit a certain ideal, all in the hope of earning approval. But this is a fragile foundation. External validation is fleeting. It’s like building your house on sand – eventually, it will shift and crumble.
True self-esteem comes from within. It’s about cultivating a deep sense of self-acceptance and believing in your own worth, regardless of external circumstances. It’s about recognizing your strengths, acknowledging your weaknesses, and embracing the totality of who you are – flaws and all. And here’s the kicker: this inner security is incredibly attractive.
Not in a superficial, “look at me” kind of way. Genuine confidence and self-acceptance radiate outwards. When you’re secure in who you are, you don’t need to put on a show or pretend to be someone you’re not. This authenticity draws people to you. It builds genuine connections and attracts positive things into your life. People are drawn to those who are comfortable in their own skin, who aren’t afraid to be themselves.
So, how do you cultivate this inner security? It’s a journey, not a destination, but here are a few steps you can take:
Challenge Negative Self-Talk: Become aware of the negative thoughts that run through your head. Are you constantly criticizing yourself? Replace those negative thoughts with positive affirmations.
Focus on Your Strengths: Take time to acknowledge your accomplishments, both big and small. What are you good at? What are you proud of?
Set Realistic Goals: Set achievable goals for yourself and celebrate your progress along the way. Small wins can build momentum and boost your self-esteem.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself, especially when you make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of being human.
Surround Yourself with Positivity: Choose to spend time with people who lift you up and support you, not those who tear you down.
Building self-esteem takes time and effort, but it’s the most worthwhile investment you can make in yourself. It’s about taking ownership of your identity and defining yourself on your own terms. Remember, you should tell people who you are, otherwise, they will do this for you. Start today. Start now. Start with yourself.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 