In the past, I always assumed that if someone said something, it must be true. I also believed that if they said they would do something, it would happen. In my subconscious, I thought it was only partially true since sometimes there can be mixed messages. Later on, I realized it was really clear-cut. I learned this particularly when dealing with narcissistic family members. This lesson helped save me a lot of trouble. You must ignore what people say and watch what they do.
If someone says they love you or that they support you, it is not about how often they say it. What matters is how often those actions actually follow through. If someone offers to help you and this never materializes, their actions speak louder than their words.
I would say this works well in all types of relationships and different settings. It also weeds out the genuine people from the fake people by managing expectations.
Being a male scapegoat, it is easy to think that growing up in this environment would have subpar living standards. One might always assume it would be in a state of poverty or crisis. This is not the case at all. Some individuals do grow up in hard situations. But many guys in this dysfunctional scenario often grow up in comfortable and sometimes affluent backgrounds.
This is the main point I want to get across in this post. Living luxuriously or coming from a lot of money just prolongs being around narcissistic and toxic parents. First of all, most people would assume you were provided with good clothes. They would think you attended a nice school and had an abundance of material possessions. But a lot of narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves, which isn’t a surprise. Narcissistic fathers see their sons as extensions of themselves. Sons are the ones to carry the family name, so they expect them to be a particular way. This is especially the case if the father is a high-profile man.
Behind the glamorous life, nice home, and good family image, the son suffers silently. This occurs because they’re not given room to be themselves. They only serve their parents and, in some cases, their siblings. How can someone appreciate a good life if they’re also not allowed to prosper internally? For those who do not know what really goes on, this would be seen as ungrateful. Then again, I could ask, how could such a son manage to navigate the real world? How can he grow and learn when they’re constantly spoon-fed? The result is you don’t have a man who has grown. Instead, you have someone who is internally stuck as a child despite outwardly appearing as a full-grown man.
This is also why the more financially successful and wholesome a narcissistic family appears, the worse they can sometimes be. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. They’re the perfect example of ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’. So remember this: what may look good to others on the outside can also hide the realities faced.
I made a video last week. In it, I discussed the concept that being a male scapegoat is not always assigned at birth. It can happen at different ages and stages of life. I came across a page on Instagram run by a young woman from West Africa. She had a post on her page featuring a caption about the ‘Good Girl’ concept. It was written about growing up with the expectation of being seen as ‘perfect’. It encouraged staying out of trouble, avoiding risks, and discouraging stepping outside their comfort zone.
I thought about this for a while, which included my own past experiences and also the last video I did. It made a great deal of sense. In general, I think the current generation of men is pushed in a very narrow direction. The days when you could simply be your natural self as a boy are over. You can’t just fall over, dust yourself off, and try again. Yet, healthy parents realize that this is necessary to help boys become well-rounded, competent, and resilient men. This is also a standard to be instilled in all children in a household.
In contrast, the narcissistic household thinks differently and instead creates triangulation by treating their sons differently very early on. They let some of their children get away with everything, or have different standards. They pick a rebel who they need to constantly tame and make them follow their every demand. Some sons get treated as future cash cows. But there is a particular type of son, whom they want to turn into a ‘Good Boy.’ This is like pre-scapegoating but in reverse.
Since narcissistic parents like control, they try to create a god-like, prophet-like persona of their son. They don’t want them to experience growth and be strong. Rather, they wish them to be at the mercy of their whims. They do not even know who that son really is, including their interests and outlook on life. Still, they act like a higher power has disappointed them. As a result, they scapegoat this son when he decides not to follow the strict path. Those first 10 or 20 years of his life become a distant memory. Parents struggle to reconcile their son’s true self.
Once I started to become more aware, I noticed something strange. It was happening very subtly, but it started to click. There were certain rules everyone had to abide by. If you were the scapegoat, then the rules automatically applied, especially if you strongly resisted certain demands. Even though it sounds messed up and dysfunctional, it made sense because the narcissistic family acts like a cult. It followed the same patterns as a radical religious or political movement.
Then suddenly, it switches and then the rules are pulled from under the rug. Whether it was an action, lifestyle decision or your demeanor, what was once a rule for the scapegoat changes. It is viewed differently when someone else does it and then the rule no longer applies. This behavior is classic of a main narcissist. It is all an illusion. Imposing rules is used as a control mechanism rather than upholding a tradition. A lot of the times, they manipulate rules under the guise of culture. Over you learn the rules were also there to dedicate and decide the roles different family members have.
I saw this once. It makes you care less about what they think. It also makes you not take them seriously at all. I learnt over time something important. If people have certain demands or standards for you, check if those same standards are applied to others. This is crucial in places like a family, friendship group, workplace, or membership club. If they aren’t, just ignore this. Even, if it applies to others, it still doesn’t mean it applies to you. We’re all individuals.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 