Respect for oneself is key to inspiring others to do the same for you. It makes a lot of logical sense. Unfortunately, not everyone would see it that way. No matter how you carry yourself, there will still be individuals who do not respect you.
A big mistake many male black sheep make is trying to gain approval from toxic family members. They have a strong wish to be liked. For nearly half my life, I was a big culprit of this. I realized I was operating from a faulty, dysfunctional system. Not only does it result in getting less approval, but also less respect. You see, in a toxic narcissistic family, the goal is to keep you on a hamster wheel. Always running but with no clear purpose. The goal is for them to justify respecting you less while your own self-respect slips away. This is very unsustainable.
The outcome is to gain your self-respect. Even if toxic individuals don’t want to admit it, they will have to respect you. You convey this through your demeanor and outlook. Narcissistic individuals also behave like children and teenagers. When you have a strong, self-respecting adult frame, you’re sending that message out. It also means you’re showing that you deserve respect. This sounds bad, but you have to use their own logic against them. They have an unreasonable sense of entitlement, so you have to beat them by exuding and commanding respect.
It does not matter if you’re perceived as a bad person. The keyword is ‘perceived’; it is not how you’re, but this is how they would want to frame it. You will get people who would consider you bad or unreasonable. But, gaining more respect can come at a price to reputation. Overall, it does not really matter. In this scenario, it is better to be seen as ‘bad’ and respected. It is preferable to be seen as ‘good’ and without being shown respect.
Many people view anger as negative. If you show you’re angry, then it reflects badly on you. Not only that, but it can also be used as a shaming tactic. Toxic individuals often invalidate your experiences, views, and opinions. Even when you have every right to feel the anger.
I am here to tell you, anger, when used in a healthy way, can be the key to moving ahead. It can also help tackle challenges and tasks head on. It goes hand in hand with tolerance. The lower your tolerance for certain things, the more you will manage to assert your anger when needed. In a toxic and narcissistic household unhealthy and unregulated anger is the default. It is used to bully and try to emasculate you. This just leads to shutting down and repressing yourself, and not being to recognize when someone is disrespecting you. If someone is trying to shame anger, what they’re really doing is manipulating you. This doesn’t just start when you are a boy but leaks into your romantic life, friendships and work life.
There come’s a time in a man’s life where you hit a certain threshold and you need to shift gears. The anger is not about getting back at someone. Instead, it’s to put a level of fear in them. Without an ounce of fear (healthy), anyone can cross your boundaries. The problem is narcissistic family members take this to an absolute extreme. They hold onto anger and use it for a long time. It then becomes a way of life. This should not be the goal for you or for your future. Leading with anger permanently will not lead to true happiness. Nevertheless, you can use it to get out of the shadows. Make sure it is controlled and only for a very short period.
I made a video last week. In it, I discussed the concept that being a male scapegoat is not always assigned at birth. It can happen at different ages and stages of life. I came across a page on Instagram run by a young woman from West Africa. She had a post on her page featuring a caption about the ‘Good Girl’ concept. It was written about growing up with the expectation of being seen as ‘perfect’. It encouraged staying out of trouble, avoiding risks, and discouraging stepping outside their comfort zone.
I thought about this for a while, which included my own past experiences and also the last video I did. It made a great deal of sense. In general, I think the current generation of men is pushed in a very narrow direction. The days when you could simply be your natural self as a boy are over. You can’t just fall over, dust yourself off, and try again. Yet, healthy parents realize that this is necessary to help boys become well-rounded, competent, and resilient men. This is also a standard to be instilled in all children in a household.
In contrast, the narcissistic household thinks differently and instead creates triangulation by treating their sons differently very early on. They let some of their children get away with everything, or have different standards. They pick a rebel who they need to constantly tame and make them follow their every demand. Some sons get treated as future cash cows. But there is a particular type of son, whom they want to turn into a ‘Good Boy.’ This is like pre-scapegoating but in reverse.
Since narcissistic parents like control, they try to create a god-like, prophet-like persona of their son. They don’t want them to experience growth and be strong. Rather, they wish them to be at the mercy of their whims. They do not even know who that son really is, including their interests and outlook on life. Still, they act like a higher power has disappointed them. As a result, they scapegoat this son when he decides not to follow the strict path. Those first 10 or 20 years of his life become a distant memory. Parents struggle to reconcile their son’s true self.
If you grew up as the male scapegoat in a family led by female narcissists—especially a mother and other key women exhibiting extreme misandry (hatred/contempt for the masculine role)—you lived in an impossible reality.
This family system is a paradox built on a lie: the belief that all men are either dangerous or useless. This trauma-based belief, usually inherited from an abusive or absent father figure, becomes the bedrock of the mother’s emotional structure.
But the central truth of this system is that it doesn’t want you to be either strong or weak. It needs you to be perpetually stuck in between, serving its control.
🎭 The Impossible Double-Bind
The misandric female narcissist (M-FN) places the male in a devastating no-win situation. The contradiction is stark: they demand subservience and compliance, yet they utterly despise men who meet those demands.
Demand 1: Be Subservient and Safe
The M-FN requires men to be passive, compliant, and emotionally available for control. This is the survival strategy for a woman who spent decades fearing male authority.
The Problem: A man who fully complies and never asserts independence proves the M-FN’s contemptuous belief that men are weak and spineless. She demands this behavior but secretly despises it, as it confirms her own lack of respect for him.
Demand 2: Be Strong (But Never Independent)
Deep down, the M-FN’s innate psychological wiring still craves a partner or male figure who embodies strength, independence, and protection.
The Problem: When the son (the scapegoat) naturally matures into an emotionally healthy, principled, and autonomous male, he becomes the system’s greatest threat. His self-respect and boundaries are seen as a hostile act of abandonment and a direct challenge to her control.
The result? You are punished for being weak, and you are punished more severely for being strong. This is the cage.
🎯 The Son: The Living Proxy of the Enemy
Why is the son the primary target of this misandry and contempt?
The Physical Reminder: The son is a biological reminder of the man (or men) who inflicted the original trauma or abandonment. That deep-seated fear and hatred for the male gender is displaced onto the easiest, most accessible male target: the child.
The Contempt Shield: For other women in the family, the “Mrs. Independent, Men Are Useless” front is a contempt shield. It justifies their failure to maintain healthy relationships and allows them to gain supply via pity and superiority. The healthy, autonomous male exposes the lie of their shield.
The Plotting Paradox: You will see the M-FNs ally with predictable male narcissists in the family. This is not out of trust; it is out of utility. They will use the known evil (the dysfunctional male) to attack the uncontrollable threat (the emotionally healthy male) because they would rather cling to a controlled tragedy than face an autonomous reality.
💥 The Inevitable Downfall of the Matriarch
The only way to win this game is to recognize that the system is doomed.
I recently observed this in my own mother’s desperate, repeated attempts to contact me after significant life changes. She lost the structure that protected her facade, which exacerbated her neediness and proved that all the life achievements couldn’t fill the internal void.
The Lesson: Narcissistic misery is not a passing phase; it is the inevitable final chapter for those who choose fear, control, and contempt over genuine human connection. They get worse and more pathetic with age because they destroy every support system they have.
Your Path to Freedom
The moment you recognize this double-bind, you step outside the cage. Your actions are your greatest defense:
No Reaction is Supply Denied: Your silence, especially to things like the wrong name, is the strongest possible boundary.
Claim Your Identity: Actions like going No Contact, changing your name, and maintaining silence are the ultimate declarations that you are no longer the person they seek to control.
Choose Sovereignty: You are not responsible for their misery, their trauma, or their narrative. By choosing emotional health, you become the uncontrollable threat that eventually forces their system to collapse—but you are safe outside of the rubble.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 