Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents"

The ‘Good Boy’ Scapegoat

I made a video last week. In it, I discussed the concept that being a male scapegoat is not always assigned at birth. It can happen at different ages and stages of life. I came across a page on Instagram run by a young woman from West Africa. She had a post on her page featuring a caption about the ‘Good Girl’ concept. It was written about growing up with the expectation of being seen as ‘perfect’. It encouraged staying out of trouble, avoiding risks, and discouraging stepping outside their comfort zone.

I thought about this for a while, which included my own past experiences and also the last video I did. It made a great deal of sense. In general, I think the current generation of men is pushed in a very narrow direction. The days when you could simply be your natural self as a boy are over. You can’t just fall over, dust yourself off, and try again. Yet, healthy parents realize that this is necessary to help boys become well-rounded, competent, and resilient men. This is also a standard to be instilled in all children in a household.

In contrast, the narcissistic household thinks differently and instead creates triangulation by treating their sons differently very early on. They let some of their children get away with everything, or have different standards. They pick a rebel who they need to constantly tame and make them follow their every demand. Some sons get treated as future cash cows. But there is a particular type of son, whom they want to turn into a ‘Good Boy.’ This is like pre-scapegoating but in reverse.

Since narcissistic parents like control, they try to create a god-like, prophet-like persona of their son. They don’t want them to experience growth and be strong. Rather, they wish them to be at the mercy of their whims. They do not even know who that son really is, including their interests and outlook on life. Still, they act like a higher power has disappointed them. As a result, they scapegoat this son when he decides not to follow the strict path. Those first 10 or 20 years of his life become a distant memory. Parents struggle to reconcile their son’s true self.

13th Jan 2026

#BlackSheep, #Codependency, #Manipulation, #Masculinity, #Narcissism, #NarcissismAwareness, #NarcissisticAbuse, #NiceGuySyndrome, #Scapegoat, #Triangulation, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic-abuse, relationships
Narcissistic/Toxic Language of ‘Help’

This is a slight expansion on my YouTube video from Tuesday. It touches on something I have observed a lot in the past. I think it deserves more than a video on it. It is the idea of narcissistic people and helping. All of them do this to a certain degree, but they do it in very cryptic and unique ways. They do this to get what they want, which is people to admire them and think that they’re good people. The reasons are much darker in the context of very close relationships. This includes relationships with family and very close friends.

They do this to exert control, to make you doubt yourself and your capabilities. It is also to show that you’re a constant burden that needs their help forever. In terms of being a male who is scapegoated, it is used to undermine your growing development. For instance, the ‘help’ they offered you as a child was less intense. Sometimes, it was completely non-existent. This isn’t a surprise, as these types of people only care about themselves. But, in some contexts, as you grow into a man, they suddenly want to be more involved. They also want to be more helpful as you become independent. On other occasions, they make this into a big deal, and it’s something you’re indebted to them forever. I will explain next how they do this.

Firstly, they do this through a covert method, which I have called ‘ The Infantilizing Soft Dominance’. This is where a narcissistic family member tries to interfere with your life and give unsolicited advice. They try to help you with simple tasks or situations that you could easily do yourself. There is also a condescending mother-like tone that they use. Within this context, it is usually an older female family member. For example, a mom, grandma, or aunt. In some other cases, it can also be a male in your life who acts like this. They often have more covert narcissistic traits and can include people like a sibling or a close friend. The common denominator with all these people is that their behaviors are driven by low self-esteem. They also have a need to feel important and wanted. That’s why it’s best to calmly and clearly assert boundaries against these types of people.

The next way their ‘help’ is expressed is what I call ‘The Burdened Martyrdom Trap’. They do help, but it is often when you ask for it. When they do offer to help, they do want you to ‘smell the exhaust’ of their effort. They would even insist on helping even if you decide to decline later on. They do express their displeasure by showing a short temper, heavy sighing, and grunting. There is also a discipline-like tone with these types of people. For example, think of an emotionally abusive father, an unhelpful manager at work, or a strict sports coach. They like to hang the concept of ‘help’ over your head. It feels like you owe them for life, regardless of how they treat you. They also like to try to emasculate you. These types of people easily smell weakness and exploit it. They’re operating on a level of insecurity, resentment, and internal emotional battles they’re unwilling to face. I say it is best to fully stand up for yourself, even if it looks like you’re being mean. Nonetheless, the smarter choice is to avoid this type at all costs.

The next scenario is what I call

9th Jan 2026

#Authenticity, #Boundaries, #Healing, #Help, #MaleScapegoat, #NarcissismAwareness, #Narcissist, #NarcissisticAbuse, #SelfEsteem, #SelfLove, #Strength, Mental Health, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic-abuse, relationships
New Year, New Blog Schedule!

As I mentioned in my YouTube video last week, I have decided to make my own New Year’s resolutions. I will start posting two videos per week. This will be on Tuesdays and Fridays. This is so you can all gain more access and have varied exposure to my content.

The blog posts for Mondays will also be changed. They will appear on Tuesdays along with the latest YouTube video. But the blog posts for Fridays will stay the same. This is to give you all something to look forward to as the weekend approaches.

Next week, on Tuesday, I will start posting the new content. Today, a new YouTube video will be uploaded. So please stay tuned for that.

6th Jan 2026

#Change, #NewJourney, #StayTuned
The Breaking Point: When Tolerance Becomes a Trap

It is officially 2026, and we’re now in the last year of the mid-2020s. Most people are planning and talking. They discuss what they want to achieve. They talk about what they want to do. They consider what they want to experience. Then they think about where they want to go and what they want to change.

A dark cloud suddenly hangs above their head. They think about the last year. They look at what went wrong. They review the mistakes made. They ruminate on the goals that were not yet achieved. They ponder the problems that occurred and the bad things that happened. Honestly, this is a completely natural thing to do, and it’s something I often find myself doing. But let’s not be too hard on ourselves. Instead, we need to be harder on other things, what I mean is, with what we tolerate. They say patience is a virtue. This is true. Thus, tolerance becomes important. We all have to endure pain, struggle, and stagnation. This is what builds character. But if you’re too tolerant of the wrong things, it becomes a hindrance.

If you become tolerant of certain behaviors from others, especially family members, you send the message that it is okay. You’re indirectly saying that it is acceptable. You are also suggesting that it can continue. This also applies to colleagues and a job you’re not satisfied with. Instead of tolerance being a path to making you feel better, you start to feel worse. You then accept your lot in life and believe you deserve the things you’re tolerated. I find that in this society, we are taught tolerance to a fault, particularly when it comes to people. I feel tolerance for people (depending on the scenario) should be the last priority. As you should build that tolerance for your own life, your own goals, and preferences.

Tolerance can be used as a weapon by others. When you show less tolerance, you become the bad guy. It has nothing to do with being mean or an asshole, but rather less tolerance equals more self-respect. Also, when you become less tolerant, people will then have to rethink how they conduct themselves around you.

As we’re in a New Year, let’s all decide what we’re willing to tolerate. At the same time, we should recognize what we shouldn’t. This makes the difference between a well-spent year and a year wasted.

2nd Jan 2026

#Change, #FreshStart, #Growth, #Healing, #NewYear, #Patience, #Tolerance, life, love, Mental Health, relationships
Be Self-Accountable At all Times

It is easy to blame the other person when something unpleasant happens. You might end up in a situation and look at it externally. This is very prevalent and something common within narcissistic families. It is the idea of perceiving someone as the enemy in a particular situation. This tactic is used so the focus is not on themselves but on the other person’s perceived actions. It also makes you to disregard their own negative behavior, making you see it as normal and acceptable. They portray a ‘poor me mentality’. This may work in the short term. Yet, it does not work at all in the long term. It is not a mature or practical approach.

However, if something unpleasant happens to you, they use it as leverage. They portray it as a weakness on your part. It is totally blown out of proportion. They use not only for you to not take accountability for the situation but making it weigh on your mind. You become fixated on the other thing or person. You see it as the cause of your experience. This perception occurs instead of taking a healthy dose of self-accountability. You don’t take on a ‘poor me’ mentality but rather a ‘shame on me’ mentality. This is used to control you. By taking healthy self-accountability, including negative situations with them, you take power away from the other person. You shift the power onto yourself.

6th Dec 2025
Starting To Identify What You Do Not Want

A difficulty that a lot of us face is not knowing what we actually want. It seems simple at first for the basic things. A lot of us know what restaurant we like to eat at. We also know who our favorite sports team is and our favorite place to go on holiday. Yet, I find that we can get stuck. For our core needs, goals, and aspirations, it becomes more of a challenge.

We may not know how to verbalize or precisely pinpoint what we want yet. But believe me that deep down we really know it, especially as a man. We are meant to be decisive and take charge in what we want. This is something naturally ingrained. We know it when we’re deciding the venue for a date. We know it when we’re wanting a new car. We know it when choosing a property to buy for the long-term. It is important and crucial for a mans development and personal happiness. Instead some of us were not giving the appropriate tools to practice and hone this. This is especially true if you had rigid cult-like household growing up.

You would only be guided to a certain path, though I say that loosely. It was more about control and coercion. For those of certain backgrounds, like African or Indian, you’re typically told that university is the only way. There is no guidance to explore other opportunities for other areas, like the trades and the arts. I believe that this causes most of us to be unsure of what we want. University is less valuable than it was many decades ago. In fact, most degrees are useless unless you want to become a doctor.

Ultimately, it leads you to settle for less not knowing what you truly want. There is another perspective. Instead of focusing right away on what you want, it’s more useful to think about what you don’t want. This has also made it a lot easier for myself. I realized if I uphold no boundaries for what I don’t want, what I want can’t truly happen. It becomes difficult. So by putting together a list or itinerary what you don’t want it creates a blueprint. It is basically the bigger picture, so you should decide on this holistically.

For instance, it can be as simple as not being around people who are always negative. Another idea is avoiding living in a certain city or neighborhood. You can also find certain attributes you do not want in a future partner/spouse. These are just examples. I realized that cutting ties with toxic family members helps. When you go no contact, it becomes much easier recognizing what you don’t want. After being in such an environment, I would accept most things. Later, it shocked me to realize how easy it was to decide what I do not want.

On that note, happy December 1st. It is the start of a new month. Hopefully, you can use this opportunity to start addressing what you truly don’t want. This is something I continuously do. It doesn’t stop. Ultimately, it will lead us all to what we truly want.

1st Dec 2025

#December, #NewMonth, #SelfAwareness, #SelfCare, #SelfEsteem, boundaries, Growth, healing, life, love, menshealth, Mental Health, Positivity, relationships, Scapegoat
Give Thanks to Who You Are!

For my American brothers Thanksgiving means different things to different people. Also, the ways in which it is celebrated differ. The type of food you eat on that day differs. Who you would spend it with also differs, as well as the traditions you engage in. What doesn’t change is that you all would feel thankful for something. Even if you don’t do anything else you can always still be thankful.

I am not an American. Still, I can resonate with the meaning of this US holiday. It doesn’t truly hit close to home. No pun intended. The concept of being ‘thankful’ can be applied to different areas. If you find yourself as the scapegoat within a narcissist family, focus on yourself. Be thankful for who you are. On the surface, this may appear to be selfish and contradictory. For most of us, this is a vital practice. This is especially important during this time of year.

I am thankful for quite a lot, even if all hasn’t gone to plan yet. For one, I am really grateful for being healthy and active. I am also thankful for the great and positive experiences I have had throughout life. I look forward to more of these happening in the future. I also am thankful for positive interactions and relationships which has lead to building a bond and trust with others. I am extremely grateful for my future.

For now, I am being modest in what I am grateful for. Honestly, I could elaborate endlessly. I can probably do a blog post about what I am grateful for about myself. It would definitely come across as pig-headed, but so what. For being grateful, this could be anything. It could be about being a good father or a good friend. It might involve being physically strong or building a great life for yourself. Those are just examples, but I am sure you can come up with a lot to be grateful about yourself.

28th Nov 2025

#Gratefulness, #HolidaySeason, #PositiveSelfLove, #Pride, #Respect, #SelfCare, #Strength, gratitude, healing, life, love, menshealth, Mental Health, Scapegoat
Perfect Man Syndrome is Destructive!

When I was briefly looking at Facebook today I saw a status which described ‘perfect man syndrome’. I then thought that this is something that I have heard other men mention growing up in a toxic environment. It is also something which I can certainly relate to myself. When you’re younger, you’re seen as perfect and infallible but only if you do what is expected of you. This is also because everything is about image to a narcissistic household

Ultimately it backfires as no one can be like this a hundred percent of the time. The goal of a man is not to be ‘perfect’. Instead, it is to be strong and mature. He should make mistakes and learn from them. In such a household, there is hardly anyone to set this example. They try anything to cover up what is really going on. So you should embrace, not sticking to this script of the ‘perfect man’. Narcissists often use this tactic. Still, it reflects their unauthentic nature. It also shows that they are stunted as a person. Hence, why they really never change or get better. Avoiding being ‘the perfect man’ helps you as a man to connect more with others.

21st Nov 2025
Two Tier Rules….

Once I started to become more aware, I noticed something strange. It was happening very subtly, but it started to click. There were certain rules everyone had to abide by. If you were the scapegoat, then the rules automatically applied, especially if you strongly resisted certain demands. Even though it sounds messed up and dysfunctional, it made sense because the narcissistic family acts like a cult. It followed the same patterns as a radical religious or political movement.

Then suddenly, it switches and then the rules are pulled from under the rug. Whether it was an action, lifestyle decision or your demeanor, what was once a rule for the scapegoat changes. It is viewed differently when someone else does it and then the rule no longer applies. This behavior is classic of a main narcissist. It is all an illusion. Imposing rules is used as a control mechanism rather than upholding a tradition. A lot of the times, they manipulate rules under the guise of culture. Over you learn the rules were also there to dedicate and decide the roles different family members have.

I saw this once. It makes you care less about what they think. It also makes you not take them seriously at all. I learnt over time something important. If people have certain demands or standards for you, check if those same standards are applied to others. This is crucial in places like a family, friendship group, workplace, or membership club. If they aren’t, just ignore this. Even, if it applies to others, it still doesn’t mean it applies to you. We’re all individuals.

17th Nov 2025

#Contradictions, #Cult, #Dysfunction, #Liars, #Manipulation, #Narcissism, #NarcissisticAbuse, #Scapegoat, #Truth, #TwoTier
The Patriarchal Scapegoat: How Matriarchal Narcissists Weaponize Masculinity

In my last blog, I discussed the role of misandry in shaping the female matriarch’s perception of men. This perception influences their behavior. I will say one thing though. There is a lot of splitting in how they would view men. This can be seen in how they perceive their father, husband, and even their own sons.

Much of it is compartmentalized. For instance, they categorize all men as bad. This initially applies particularly to men who are of no relation. Then they would see their husband/spouse as a model citizen. They view them as upstanding and having the perfect marriage with them. Yet, behind closed doors, there are many problems, tension, and dissatisfaction between themselves and the spouse.

If the husband is just as toxic and dysfunctional, they never confide to anyone about this. Not even to close family or friends. So no one suspects anything is wrong except their children. The matriarch narcissist will brush this aside. She will encourage them not to tell outsiders. They are urged to keep the image fitting the narrative of the narcissistic nuclear family. They mold their sons into the perfect gentleman. They dictate that the sons have to be a certain way. They must not be like the other ‘bad men’ out there. Indirectly, she scapegoat their sons by seeing them as the problem and not her difficult husband. She imposes that they change their behavior, their friendship groups, and their interests.

The contradiction in this situation means the matriarch narcissist fails to demand the same behavior from her husband. He is just as much a narcissist as she is. In fact, in this type of marriage, they team up in a dysfunctional way. They scapegoat their own sons by treating them as if they’re grown adult men. They set expectations inappropriately. This would also involve treating them differently, depending on their personalities. This involves a lot of splitting. One son can be difficult in general. Still, as long as he is obedient to her, the former does not matter. Another son or even a relative like a nephew appears to be very easygoing. She fails to see that because he can see through the facade and manipulation. So, he would be a scapegoat by her labeling him as difficult, rebellious and head strong. Further associating him with bad men.

This model is very unsustainable and does not last over time. For one, the matriarch’s illusion of the so-called ‘perfect’ husband cracks. Like most narcissists, he gets worse over time. His behavior is exposed to all around them through incidents like imprisonment, infidelity, and being irresponsible with money. The matriarch narcissist infantilize younger male relatives. She latches onto those same people. They can be either sons or nephews. This happens when her marital life becomes more questionable and chaotic. She seeks their help be it financial or emotional support. The roles have reversed. Now the spouse is seen as incompetent. Even if still married, the matriarch narcissist would portray herself as a de-facto ‘single mother’. This is just to gain sympathy and see herself as the victim.

Ultimately, with all of her actions, she seeks to create a male scapegoat. She causes triangulation and division. A father and son turn on each other. More commonly, brothers start to turn on each other. They scapegoat each other. They fail to pin the blame on the Matriarch narcissist, who was the main instigator.

7th Nov 2025

#Co-depedency, #Matriarchy, #Misandry, #Narcissism, #NarcissismAwareness, #NPD, #Patriarchy, #Relationships, #Scapegoat, #Siblings, #Sons