It is hard to deny the past, whether good or bad. Despite the difficulties growing up in a narcissistic family system, in my experience, there are good moments, particularly as a young boy. Often, when you go no contact, they use ‘past good memories’ as a tool to get you to let them back into your life.
Initially, it works to keep you in contact, but in reality, bringing up past positive times does not excuse bad behavior, especially if the good memories were way back in the past. This is purely manipulation and is a way to deflect attention from what they’re doing in the background. This is because a narcissistic family will use a smear campaign by getting to control others’ perception of you if they can’t control you. By bringing up ‘past good memories,’ it is a desperate attempt to get back into your life. I would also say that it is a very weak attempt because it is trying to play into your inner child by also reminding you of what they did for you when you were a young boy. This is not a good excuse at all because if this were the case, then every interaction that gets worse in different relationships would be ignored.
It is one of those things where it is hard to call out straight away and determine whether it is malicious or just helpful advice. In a narcissistic family, if you physically grow, get older, start a new venture or job, these are opportunities for parents and sometimes siblings and extended family to ‘humble’ you. This is done by putting thoughts in your mind, indirectly conveying that you don’t have much experience or that what you’re planning won’t work because it didn’t work for them. It is presented as ‘just looking out for you’ or guiding you.
However, this is not the case, as it is used to undermine you and to put doubts in your head that you’re not knowledgeable enough or not experienced enough to pursue certain decisions. If you disagree that they indirectly portray you as ignorant.
This is not always from family; it can be from colleagues, friends, and acquaintances. In my experience, it is a similar situation to the above; you change something about yourself or take on a new challenge, and it follows the same pattern of talking you out of it or being passive-aggressive. In most instances, it is used in a condescending way to make you less confident. But remember, the main reason that they do this is because of envy and low self-esteem. If you were in a stagnant situation, then these behaviours would not be present. Also, if you used to be a certain way, they are more comfortable and accustomed to that old version, and when you change, it is more of a humbling experience for them since it reminds them of their lack of growth.
The way to deal with people like this is to assert boundaries straight away and to call out the behaviour for what it is, even if it causes offence. A lot of scapegoated men have had to do a lot of work on themselves, so allowing these behaviors to slide constantly is not helpful for the man you’re becoming. A better and healthier way is to reduce contact with these people. The constant defending yourself becomes tiring. This is something I used to do. I always used to think I had to make my point and put them in their place. It is helpful only to do briefly and then to disengage permanently.
When we change, cut out certain people, leave new environments, and adopt a new mentality and way of life, it is always assumed that life will get easier and feel much smoother. I have learnt this is not always the case, and in fact, it tends to get harder before it gets easier. This is because it shows you what happens if you stay in your old patterns.
Challenges are a part of life, but I would say the biggest challenge of all is creating a better version of yourself. This version has less tolerance for certain people, places, and systems. It is risky and takes many years to become a version of yourself that you feel proud of. It is a lonely and difficult path, but worth every second. This is how you should view difficulties in life. It is really common to think that when new obstacles emerge, we are being dealt a bad deal. It is just that when you operate with more boundaries and clearer intentions for what you want, friction naturally occurs. This can be because you’re exploring the unknown, and as I mentioned before, it feels lonely because you’re either self-reliant or no longer relying too much on people’s opinions.
When you become more aware, you notice everything through a clearer lens and at times feel more of it. This can be inconsistency, unclear systems, or microaggressions. Also, challenges do not have to appear to punish us, but to reveal the old life falling apart. The newer version of the self needs to be involved with better people, more self-trust, and have more suitable systems to truly thrive.
It is a tough realization when you get older to look back on the past. It is on a case-by-case basis, but for some of us, it was good, bad, or somewhere in between, with a mix of both. For a lot of us who suddenly started to see a shift where parents became toxic, it is a stark contrast between when we were infants, toddlers, little kids, until we were teenagers and young adults. This is where there was a shift, and it can seem that it defined everything in your life, but it didn’t.
If you’re reading this, this means you probably overcame it by being a better man, but most importantly, a better person. I remember years back, when I encountered various people who would always comment on how I came from a good family. In my head, I used to laugh a bit and wonder if only they knew. In reality, it means you were around toxic people, but you did not let that stop you, and it is not the defining factor of your story. This means they didn’t really raise you because you had to ignore all the toxicity, but also to trust your own judgement and to practically raise yourself.
You have done the tough part. You have cut off all toxic and narcissistic family members. You have set clear boundaries. You have a life free from their negative influence and behaviors. Then, suddenly, a new variable is introduced. It is the new additions, the future generation.
This would involve when you decide to have children. Also, the future children of other family members, like siblings and cousins. Since you became wise to their games and manipulation trips, they have lost leverage over you. Since they become volatile over time, they burn bridges that are very hard to reinstate. The next default setting is to make attempts by gaining access to you via a proxy. It is very much like how they would use flying monkeys to gather information from you. If they can’t hoover you back in, they use children as a way to dangle candy your way. It would involve getting back in contact with you to announce that someone is expecting. You would hear their fake excitement when they announce that you’re going to be an uncle. Another tactic they use is to pry into your own life and find out if you have any children.
As harsh as this sounds, the best thing to do is to ignore it. They show you pregnancy scans and newborn pictures to try to get you back. They’re trying to use a fake moral compass; surely no one will ignore a newborn baby. They see this as a way to get back into your life. It is not genuine. Besides, the newborn baby has no agency. They can mold them to whatever they want. It is like how they were brought up and became who they are, unfortunately.
It is easy to feel like the black sheep. You internalize a lot of blame. At times, you will also think that everything is your fault. You seem to feel like you’re running a hamster wheel. You are unsure of where it ends. You don’t know where you’re actually heading. This is a common theme with narcissistic and toxic family members. They want to keep you guessing. They want you to question what you need to do next. A lot of the time, this happens because they’re never really satisfied with anything. More importantly, they don’t truly know what they want from life.
But to try and find what they want, they use you as a prop to fulfill that void. It is very dysfunctional and unsustainable. They use coercive tactics. They group together to mold you into the way they think you should be. This is done through making you overly compliant and very polite to a fault. They guilt-trip you by conditioning you to fall more into your feminine frame rather than the masculine. It makes you seem non-threatening and harmless. They also want to make you be overly selfless. They lack those traits themselves. Hence, they need you to have them to feel better about themselves. Also since you’re related to them, it reflects positively on them to the outside world.
They exaggerate certain traits to emphasize their importance. They need you far more than you need them. This is a very deceitful way to coerce someone. Yet, down the line, you don’t take it personally. You recognize the games being played. They eventually do this to the Golden child as well.
At first, I believed this scenario was unique to me and quite rare. But knowing that I am not the only one has helped me connect more of the dots. It has allowed me to make peace with and make sense of the situation. I used to be infuriated by this, as I felt that I had been sold a big, contradicting lie. This past weekend, a deep conversation with a friend gave me much to think about. Since we are of the same background, we assumed the Dad leads the household. We believed he was the primary provider. But in typical narcissist style, the opposite is always the truth.
The narcissistic/toxic father likes to portray a superhuman, god-like existence. It conveys an image of someone who is very tough-minded, strong, and competent. It looks like someone with good character, grounded, protective, and principled. While they initially show these qualities, in reality, it is a facade. This is because the ultimate intention is control and to look superior in front of their spouse and children. If a man possesses and demonstrates these characteristics, surely he’s considered a decent human being. Others wouldn’t suspect that something more sinister is happening in the background.
The narcissist father frames the patriarchy to excuse domestic abuse of the spouse. He justifies infidelity and uses fear tactics. Intimidation is his method with his children. This is sending a message to his sons of what ‘patriarchy’ is and conditions them to tolerate this. It creates a fantasy.
Soon, it becomes just that, a fake fantasy that becomes very unstable and dysfunctional. It is not a surprise if you think about this in hindsight. Over time, narcissists get worse and more self-destructive with age. The narcissistic father is no exception. The web of lies catches up quickly. The violence and volatile affairs can lead to serious danger. They can also cause legal issues. As a result, the father’s status collapses. His reputation is damaged in their social circle. He experiences career damage and a loss of confidence.
This then means that the extremely co-dependent wife is at times the sole earner. She tries to keep everything together. You would think that, as the patriarch, he would be ashamed of this. Instead, it becomes a tool of exploitation. He becomes a docile tyrant. He is not capable of providing as before. Yet, he still demands to be the main gatekeeper in the household. He insists on making financial decisions that he is no longer in a position to make. At this stage, it is no longer a patriarchy. It is more of a matriarchy because the wife tries to hold everything together. The foundations are shaky. It is a very conflicting experience because the wife feels more like a mother instead of a wife. From my personal experience, they also would feel like a single parent.
The narcissistic father’s spouse is ‘the head of the house through labor and servitude. Yet, they are not the true head. They do the heavy lifting but do not have the final say. Also, the narcissistic father takes no accountability or responsibility for their actions. This is not a patriarchy. As a result, the father loses the respect from their sons. He becomes a contrast to the man he portrayed himself to be during their childhood. This was no longer a nuclear family built on patriarchy. Instead, it collapsed and became a matriarchy with no boundaries or substance.
Respect for oneself is key to inspiring others to do the same for you. It makes a lot of logical sense. Unfortunately, not everyone would see it that way. No matter how you carry yourself, there will still be individuals who do not respect you.
A big mistake many male black sheep make is trying to gain approval from toxic family members. They have a strong wish to be liked. For nearly half my life, I was a big culprit of this. I realized I was operating from a faulty, dysfunctional system. Not only does it result in getting less approval, but also less respect. You see, in a toxic narcissistic family, the goal is to keep you on a hamster wheel. Always running but with no clear purpose. The goal is for them to justify respecting you less while your own self-respect slips away. This is very unsustainable.
The outcome is to gain your self-respect. Even if toxic individuals don’t want to admit it, they will have to respect you. You convey this through your demeanor and outlook. Narcissistic individuals also behave like children and teenagers. When you have a strong, self-respecting adult frame, you’re sending that message out. It also means you’re showing that you deserve respect. This sounds bad, but you have to use their own logic against them. They have an unreasonable sense of entitlement, so you have to beat them by exuding and commanding respect.
It does not matter if you’re perceived as a bad person. The keyword is ‘perceived’; it is not how you’re, but this is how they would want to frame it. You will get people who would consider you bad or unreasonable. But, gaining more respect can come at a price to reputation. Overall, it does not really matter. In this scenario, it is better to be seen as ‘bad’ and respected. It is preferable to be seen as ‘good’ and without being shown respect.
In the past, I always assumed that if someone said something, it must be true. I also believed that if they said they would do something, it would happen. In my subconscious, I thought it was only partially true since sometimes there can be mixed messages. Later on, I realized it was really clear-cut. I learned this particularly when dealing with narcissistic family members. This lesson helped save me a lot of trouble. You must ignore what people say and watch what they do.
If someone says they love you or that they support you, it is not about how often they say it. What matters is how often those actions actually follow through. If someone offers to help you and this never materializes, their actions speak louder than their words.
I would say this works well in all types of relationships and different settings. It also weeds out the genuine people from the fake people by managing expectations.
In the modern world, most people learn to ‘bite their tongue.’ This is especially true for men. They are taught to just go with the flow. If you go against this, it is considered to be too abrasive and inconsiderate. You see this a lot in friend circles, romantic relationships, work settings, and religious communities.
But in the narcissistic family, the ‘boat’ is a cage. It is used to keep people locked in. They have no way of getting out. I have also observed that this works on very small children. It works on the women as well. They have no way of defending themselves. But as a man, you’re naturally more assertive and can defend yourself. This is seen as a threat, and the goal is that you do not leave their control and influence. This situation is not sustainable. Men have an ego. To use this healthily, they need to give their opinions and have their own preferences. It will seem difficult to ‘rock the boat’. You will initially feel like a bad person. Nevertheless, from my personal experience, people respect you more. They see you as more genuine and authentic.
Plus, speaking your mind will make you feel better and increase your self-esteem. This is because you will have no regrets. This is opposed to months or even years down the line when you regretted staying silent. Malignant and toxic people will not be pleased when you refuse to be quiet. Yet, deep down, they respect this. It also explains why a lot of narcissistic people treat each other poorly. No one speaks out or leaves.
I also realized that people who generally like you and appreciate you being in their life will respond positively. They would not react negatively to you speaking your mind. It really is a test of who is genuine and who appreciates you for who you really are.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 