In the past, I always assumed that if someone said something, it must be true. I also believed that if they said they would do something, it would happen. In my subconscious, I thought it was only partially true since sometimes there can be mixed messages. Later on, I realized it was really clear-cut. I learned this particularly when dealing with narcissistic family members. This lesson helped save me a lot of trouble. You must ignore what people say and watch what they do.
If someone says they love you or that they support you, it is not about how often they say it. What matters is how often those actions actually follow through. If someone offers to help you and this never materializes, their actions speak louder than their words.
I would say this works well in all types of relationships and different settings. It also weeds out the genuine people from the fake people by managing expectations.
In the modern world, most people learn to ‘bite their tongue.’ This is especially true for men. They are taught to just go with the flow. If you go against this, it is considered to be too abrasive and inconsiderate. You see this a lot in friend circles, romantic relationships, work settings, and religious communities.
But in the narcissistic family, the ‘boat’ is a cage. It is used to keep people locked in. They have no way of getting out. I have also observed that this works on very small children. It works on the women as well. They have no way of defending themselves. But as a man, you’re naturally more assertive and can defend yourself. This is seen as a threat, and the goal is that you do not leave their control and influence. This situation is not sustainable. Men have an ego. To use this healthily, they need to give their opinions and have their own preferences. It will seem difficult to ‘rock the boat’. You will initially feel like a bad person. Nevertheless, from my personal experience, people respect you more. They see you as more genuine and authentic.
Plus, speaking your mind will make you feel better and increase your self-esteem. This is because you will have no regrets. This is opposed to months or even years down the line when you regretted staying silent. Malignant and toxic people will not be pleased when you refuse to be quiet. Yet, deep down, they respect this. It also explains why a lot of narcissistic people treat each other poorly. No one speaks out or leaves.
I also realized that people who generally like you and appreciate you being in their life will respond positively. They would not react negatively to you speaking your mind. It really is a test of who is genuine and who appreciates you for who you really are.
Many people view anger as negative. If you show you’re angry, then it reflects badly on you. Not only that, but it can also be used as a shaming tactic. Toxic individuals often invalidate your experiences, views, and opinions. Even when you have every right to feel the anger.
I am here to tell you, anger, when used in a healthy way, can be the key to moving ahead. It can also help tackle challenges and tasks head on. It goes hand in hand with tolerance. The lower your tolerance for certain things, the more you will manage to assert your anger when needed. In a toxic and narcissistic household unhealthy and unregulated anger is the default. It is used to bully and try to emasculate you. This just leads to shutting down and repressing yourself, and not being to recognize when someone is disrespecting you. If someone is trying to shame anger, what they’re really doing is manipulating you. This doesn’t just start when you are a boy but leaks into your romantic life, friendships and work life.
There come’s a time in a man’s life where you hit a certain threshold and you need to shift gears. The anger is not about getting back at someone. Instead, it’s to put a level of fear in them. Without an ounce of fear (healthy), anyone can cross your boundaries. The problem is narcissistic family members take this to an absolute extreme. They hold onto anger and use it for a long time. It then becomes a way of life. This should not be the goal for you or for your future. Leading with anger permanently will not lead to true happiness. Nevertheless, you can use it to get out of the shadows. Make sure it is controlled and only for a very short period.
Being a male scapegoat, it is easy to think that growing up in this environment would have subpar living standards. One might always assume it would be in a state of poverty or crisis. This is not the case at all. Some individuals do grow up in hard situations. But many guys in this dysfunctional scenario often grow up in comfortable and sometimes affluent backgrounds.
This is the main point I want to get across in this post. Living luxuriously or coming from a lot of money just prolongs being around narcissistic and toxic parents. First of all, most people would assume you were provided with good clothes. They would think you attended a nice school and had an abundance of material possessions. But a lot of narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves, which isn’t a surprise. Narcissistic fathers see their sons as extensions of themselves. Sons are the ones to carry the family name, so they expect them to be a particular way. This is especially the case if the father is a high-profile man.
Behind the glamorous life, nice home, and good family image, the son suffers silently. This occurs because they’re not given room to be themselves. They only serve their parents and, in some cases, their siblings. How can someone appreciate a good life if they’re also not allowed to prosper internally? For those who do not know what really goes on, this would be seen as ungrateful. Then again, I could ask, how could such a son manage to navigate the real world? How can he grow and learn when they’re constantly spoon-fed? The result is you don’t have a man who has grown. Instead, you have someone who is internally stuck as a child despite outwardly appearing as a full-grown man.
This is also why the more financially successful and wholesome a narcissistic family appears, the worse they can sometimes be. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. They’re the perfect example of ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’. So remember this: what may look good to others on the outside can also hide the realities faced.
“Devalue” can be seen as an ugly word dealing with a narcissistic family. This is because it is weaponized against you. It isn’t just meant to make you feel bad and to demonize you as a man. It is also made to feel that your development and growth as a man is wrong and disruptive.
I want to clarify that this is factually incorrect. You are just being yourself. You are not part of the dysfunction going on. They devalued you because they need you in a certain role. This role supports the illusion in the narcissistic family. Since you do not comply, it sends an immediate threat, which makes them perceive you as dangerous. You should accept the devaluing behavior, as this means you’re probably doing something right. At first, if you’re very young, it does not make sense. Still, it will gradually make sense later on as you mature through establishing your own moral code.
Instead, you should avoid playing into the games. Call out the dysfunctional behavior for what it is, whether it is hypocrisy or boundary violations. It reduces the guilt that they try to plant in your head. Over time, you become an expert in devaluing dysfunction. This skill can be applied when you are on a date. It is useful during a meeting. It is also beneficial when in a group with other people.
I will conclude this post by reminding you to ‘value those who value you. At the same time, devalue those who devalue you. The latter just implies you indirectly highlighted their weakness.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will not be posting an official blog post or YouTube channel tonight. I really wanted to today, but the situation would not allow it. I wish this were not the case. Yet, I know if I did, the quality and delivery would not be there.
The good news is that it will return to the same schedule next week. I look forward to engaging with you all again.
I made a video last week. In it, I discussed the concept that being a male scapegoat is not always assigned at birth. It can happen at different ages and stages of life. I came across a page on Instagram run by a young woman from West Africa. She had a post on her page featuring a caption about the ‘Good Girl’ concept. It was written about growing up with the expectation of being seen as ‘perfect’. It encouraged staying out of trouble, avoiding risks, and discouraging stepping outside their comfort zone.
I thought about this for a while, which included my own past experiences and also the last video I did. It made a great deal of sense. In general, I think the current generation of men is pushed in a very narrow direction. The days when you could simply be your natural self as a boy are over. You can’t just fall over, dust yourself off, and try again. Yet, healthy parents realize that this is necessary to help boys become well-rounded, competent, and resilient men. This is also a standard to be instilled in all children in a household.
In contrast, the narcissistic household thinks differently and instead creates triangulation by treating their sons differently very early on. They let some of their children get away with everything, or have different standards. They pick a rebel who they need to constantly tame and make them follow their every demand. Some sons get treated as future cash cows. But there is a particular type of son, whom they want to turn into a ‘Good Boy.’ This is like pre-scapegoating but in reverse.
Since narcissistic parents like control, they try to create a god-like, prophet-like persona of their son. They don’t want them to experience growth and be strong. Rather, they wish them to be at the mercy of their whims. They do not even know who that son really is, including their interests and outlook on life. Still, they act like a higher power has disappointed them. As a result, they scapegoat this son when he decides not to follow the strict path. Those first 10 or 20 years of his life become a distant memory. Parents struggle to reconcile their son’s true self.
This is a slight expansion on my YouTube video from Tuesday. It touches on something I have observed a lot in the past. I think it deserves more than a video on it. It is the idea of narcissistic people and helping. All of them do this to a certain degree, but they do it in very cryptic and unique ways. They do this to get what they want, which is people to admire them and think that they’re good people. The reasons are much darker in the context of very close relationships. This includes relationships with family and very close friends.
They do this to exert control, to make you doubt yourself and your capabilities. It is also to show that you’re a constant burden that needs their help forever. In terms of being a male who is scapegoated, it is used to undermine your growing development. For instance, the ‘help’ they offered you as a child was less intense. Sometimes, it was completely non-existent. This isn’t a surprise, as these types of people only care about themselves. But, in some contexts, as you grow into a man, they suddenly want to be more involved. They also want to be more helpful as you become independent. On other occasions, they make this into a big deal, and it’s something you’re indebted to them forever. I will explain next how they do this.
Firstly, they do this through a covert method, which I have called ‘ The Infantilizing Soft Dominance’. This is where a narcissistic family member tries to interfere with your life and give unsolicited advice. They try to help you with simple tasks or situations that you could easily do yourself. There is also a condescending mother-like tone that they use. Within this context, it is usually an older female family member. For example, a mom, grandma, or aunt. In some other cases, it can also be a male in your life who acts like this. They often have more covert narcissistic traits and can include people like a sibling or a close friend. The common denominator with all these people is that their behaviors are driven by low self-esteem. They also have a need to feel important and wanted. That’s why it’s best to calmly and clearly assert boundaries against these types of people.
The next way their ‘help’ is expressed is what I call ‘The Burdened Martyrdom Trap’. They do help, but it is often when you ask for it. When they do offer to help, they do want you to ‘smell the exhaust’ of their effort. They would even insist on helping even if you decide to decline later on. They do express their displeasure by showing a short temper, heavy sighing, and grunting. There is also a discipline-like tone with these types of people. For example, think of an emotionally abusive father, an unhelpful manager at work, or a strict sports coach. They like to hang the concept of ‘help’ over your head. It feels like you owe them for life, regardless of how they treat you. They also like to try to emasculate you. These types of people easily smell weakness and exploit it. They’re operating on a level of insecurity, resentment, and internal emotional battles they’re unwilling to face. I say it is best to fully stand up for yourself, even if it looks like you’re being mean. Nonetheless, the smarter choice is to avoid this type at all costs.
As I mentioned in my YouTube video last week, I have decided to make my own New Year’s resolutions. I will start posting two videos per week. This will be on Tuesdays and Fridays. This is so you can all gain more access and have varied exposure to my content.
The blog posts for Mondays will also be changed. They will appear on Tuesdays along with the latest YouTube video. But the blog posts for Fridays will stay the same. This is to give you all something to look forward to as the weekend approaches.
Next week, on Tuesday, I will start posting the new content. Today, a new YouTube video will be uploaded. So please stay tuned for that.
It is officially 2026, and we’re now in the last year of the mid-2020s. Most people are planning and talking. They discuss what they want to achieve. They talk about what they want to do. They consider what they want to experience. Then they think about where they want to go and what they want to change.
A dark cloud suddenly hangs above their head. They think about the last year. They look at what went wrong. They review the mistakes made. They ruminate on the goals that were not yet achieved. They ponder the problems that occurred and the bad things that happened. Honestly, this is a completely natural thing to do, and it’s something I often find myself doing. But let’s not be too hard on ourselves. Instead, we need to be harder on other things, what I mean is, with what we tolerate. They say patience is a virtue. This is true. Thus, tolerance becomes important. We all have to endure pain, struggle, and stagnation. This is what builds character. But if you’re too tolerant of the wrong things, it becomes a hindrance.
If you become tolerant of certain behaviors from others, especially family members, you send the message that it is okay. You’re indirectly saying that it is acceptable. You are also suggesting that it can continue. This also applies to colleagues and a job you’re not satisfied with. Instead of tolerance being a path to making you feel better, you start to feel worse. You then accept your lot in life and believe you deserve the things you’re tolerated. I find that in this society, we are taught tolerance to a fault, particularly when it comes to people. I feel tolerance for people (depending on the scenario) should be the last priority. As you should build that tolerance for your own life, your own goals, and preferences.
Tolerance can be used as a weapon by others. When you show less tolerance, you become the bad guy. It has nothing to do with being mean or an asshole, but rather less tolerance equals more self-respect. Also, when you become less tolerant, people will then have to rethink how they conduct themselves around you.
As we’re in a New Year, let’s all decide what we’re willing to tolerate. At the same time, we should recognize what we shouldn’t. This makes the difference between a well-spent year and a year wasted.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 