I recently did a Youtube video this past Friday. In it, I discussed that when you break free, you experience different and conflicting types of communication. These come from the overt and covert toxic narcissists you grew up with or who raised you.
In some scenarios, you finally go no contact. The more overt person tries to use hoovering to bait you back in. They pretend to change and try to act like you’re being unreasonable. If this fails they become more aggressive in their tone and communication. It would consist of angry voicemails and long winded emails and texts. After some time, you hardly hear from them again. It as if they have just vanished. They sporadically return.
On the other hand, more covert individuals try to keep reaching out. They adopt a non-aggressive, calm, and casual demeanor. They act as if you speak to them regularly. It feels like you are just picking up from where you left off. Some of them would find an excuse just to contact you like happening to be in the same area. At other times, they can increase the level of contact. This does not necessarily happen every day or even every week. It can occur once a month or on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. As I mentioned on my Youtube video, their expectations are more deluded. They are unrealistic about the chances of you reciprocating.
That is it for now. Stay tuned for my next video this coming Friday @SonintheShadows where I discuss this in Part 2.
In narcissistic families, the scapegoat role is rarely about fairness — it’s about control. Traditionally, people assume the family resents the scapegoat because he displays traits they secretly wish they had: confidence, strength, independence. And yes, that’s part of the story. But there’s another, often-overlooked reason: the scapegoat refuses to show the illusion they’ve built for themselves.
For a male scapegoat, this rejection can feel even more dangerous to them. In their world, you’re not supposed to have boundaries. You’re supposed to bend. You should smooth over conflict. You are expected to protect the family image at your own expense. When you stop doing that, you start to say “no.” You start to focus on your own needs without guilt. You’re no longer a safe mirror for their ego.
And that’s when the claws come out.
It’s not always about you being “difficult.” It’s about you no longer being useful to the fantasy they’re selling themselves and everyone else. A male scapegoat who stops people-pleasing becomes an uncomfortable reminder that real self-respect doesn’t depend on constant approval. You become proof that you can survive — even thrive — without their validation.
They don’t just lose control over you. They lose the comfort of the illusion that everyone buys into their version of reality. And instead of respecting your independence, they double down — harsher words, more subtle jabs, sometimes outright smear campaigns.
But here’s the truth they don’t want you to realize. Once you’ve broken free from the role, you can’t be put back in it. This only happens if you choose to step back in. Standing firm is an act they can’t bear to witness. This includes setting boundaries, saying no, and protecting your mental space.
When you think of burnout, you think of the general physical tiredness—being incapable of continuing, having no energy. But this type of burnout goes deeper. It’s the kind that hits your soul. Especially if you’re the male scapegoat in a narcissistic family, you know exactly what I mean.
You were expected to be strong—but not too strong. Independent—but only in the ways they approved of. Emotional—but only when it served their narrative. It’s the emotional whiplash of being raised in a system that constantly shifted the goalposts. One day, you were “too soft.” The next, “too cold.” You were told to speak up—then punished when you did. Told to take responsibility—then blamed for things far outside your control.
Over time, that confusion turns to exhaustion.
Burnout for male scapegoats doesn’t just come from doing too much. It comes from being too much in a system that demanded you shrink. Being authentic, having integrity, and refusing to play along with the dysfunction—all of that takes energy. And when you’ve been doing it since childhood, the toll catches up. You start wondering if it’s even worth it. Should you keep fighting for peace when chaos has always been your default environment?
But here’s the truth: it is worth it. Not because they’ll ever change. But because you deserve a life that’s yours.
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish. Choosing rest doesn’t make you weak. And rebuilding your life—even if it’s brick by brick—is the strongest thing you can do.
Even in the exhaustion, even in the confusion—keep going. You’re not broken. You’re burnt out from surviving a lifetime of mixed messages. And that, in itself, proves your strength.
When you escape from a narcissistic dysfunctional family as a scapegoat, it is common knowledge that you don’t leave unscathed. They seek to tell people you mutually know negative things about you. This includes friends, family, or other people in your circle. A lot of these things are really far-fetched and over-exaggerated. A saying goes: “If they can’t control you, they will aim to control people’s perceptions of you.”
It may seem shocking and disappointing that a lot of these people have changed towards you. It is very easy to blame the narcissists in this scenario. You still could, but it would be giving them way too much power. In this situation, you sometimes covertly thank them as they have exposed who is people actually are. Those people in your life never directly mentioned what was said about you. They also didn’t question things more. This speaks huge volumes! This also indicates that those relationships with those people in your life were fragmented. They were not strong to begin with. It shows that these people are stupid and gullible. They believe someone who possesses the character traits of the narcissists. This highlights their poor judgment in character.
Not only that, but these people are cowards and weak. Narcissists don’t really tear down things that are solid and tough. They break down things that are already crumbly and weak. This describes those people in your life who believed the smear campaign. All you have to do is rise above it.
In today’s world, masculinity is often ridiculed. If you express masculine traits—like directness, decisiveness, or even healthy assertiveness—there’s often an effort to infantilize you. Toxic individuals may try to “knock you down a peg,” using passive-aggressive tactics or condescension to undermine your confidence. This is not about who you are as a person but rather a reflection of their own inadequacies.
On the other hand, when you do something noble or altruistic, there’s often a patronizing element aimed at emasculating you. For example, if you carry out an act of kindness or generosity, it might be met with backhanded compliments. These remarks subtly put you down and label you as “soft” or “a sissy.” This is illogical and rooted in control—they seek to diminish your self-worth by twisting positive actions into something negative.
The Shield: Emotional Control
The shield shows emotional control—the ability to let their words fly over your head without engaging in their game. They thrive on reactions; denying them that satisfaction takes away their power.
Instead of reacting emotionally, let them talk. Toxic individuals often reveal their true selves over time. Their façade of superiority begins to crack, exposing them as wounded individuals projecting their own hurt onto others. Keep your composure. Refuse to stoop to their level. Doing so helps you protect your boundaries. You also preserve your dignity this way.
The Sword: Physical Confidence
While the shield shows emotional control, there are moments when using your sword becomes necessary. The sword symbolizes the cultivation of power to protect yourself.
For example, if someone raises their voice, this is where the sword comes into play. If they invade your personal space or try to physically push you around, it also applies. Decisiveness in these moments involves using strong body language to set boundaries. Standing tall, maintaining eye contact, and speaking firmly can often diffuse these situations before they escalate further. If physical defense becomes necessary, being fit and strong gives you the confidence to protect yourself effectively.
A key aspect of wielding the sword is working on your body image. Regular exercise, like going to the gym, not only improves physical strength but also elevates your confidence and competence. Feeling strong in your own body translates into feeling strong in your interactions with others.
To take this even further, learning a martial art can be transformative. Martial arts not only teach self-defense but also instill discipline, focus, and mental resilience. Knowing that you have the skills to ward off potential threats significantly boosts your confidence. It also allows you to navigate life with a sense of security.
Conclusion: Standing Firm in Your Identity
The key is recognizing that these attempts to ridicule masculinity—whether through infantilization or patronization—are not about you but about them. Stand firm in your identity and values. Use both the shield (emotional control) and the sword (decisiveness). This approach enables you to navigate these situations with strength and grace.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 