You have done the tough part. You have cut off all toxic and narcissistic family members. You have set clear boundaries. You have a life free from their negative influence and behaviors. Then, suddenly, a new variable is introduced. It is the new additions, the future generation.
This would involve when you decide to have children. Also, the future children of other family members, like siblings and cousins. Since you became wise to their games and manipulation trips, they have lost leverage over you. Since they become volatile over time, they burn bridges that are very hard to reinstate. The next default setting is to make attempts by gaining access to you via a proxy. It is very much like how they would use flying monkeys to gather information from you. If they can’t hoover you back in, they use children as a way to dangle candy your way. It would involve getting back in contact with you to announce that someone is expecting. You would hear their fake excitement when they announce that you’re going to be an uncle. Another tactic they use is to pry into your own life and find out if you have any children.
As harsh as this sounds, the best thing to do is to ignore it. They show you pregnancy scans and newborn pictures to try to get you back. They’re trying to use a fake moral compass; surely no one will ignore a newborn baby. They see this as a way to get back into your life. It is not genuine. Besides, the newborn baby has no agency. They can mold them to whatever they want. It is like how they were brought up and became who they are, unfortunately.
At first, I believed this scenario was unique to me and quite rare. But knowing that I am not the only one has helped me connect more of the dots. It has allowed me to make peace with and make sense of the situation. I used to be infuriated by this, as I felt that I had been sold a big, contradicting lie. This past weekend, a deep conversation with a friend gave me much to think about. Since we are of the same background, we assumed the Dad leads the household. We believed he was the primary provider. But in typical narcissist style, the opposite is always the truth.
The narcissistic/toxic father likes to portray a superhuman, god-like existence. It conveys an image of someone who is very tough-minded, strong, and competent. It looks like someone with good character, grounded, protective, and principled. While they initially show these qualities, in reality, it is a facade. This is because the ultimate intention is control and to look superior in front of their spouse and children. If a man possesses and demonstrates these characteristics, surely he’s considered a decent human being. Others wouldn’t suspect that something more sinister is happening in the background.
The narcissist father frames the patriarchy to excuse domestic abuse of the spouse. He justifies infidelity and uses fear tactics. Intimidation is his method with his children. This is sending a message to his sons of what ‘patriarchy’ is and conditions them to tolerate this. It creates a fantasy.
Soon, it becomes just that, a fake fantasy that becomes very unstable and dysfunctional. It is not a surprise if you think about this in hindsight. Over time, narcissists get worse and more self-destructive with age. The narcissistic father is no exception. The web of lies catches up quickly. The violence and volatile affairs can lead to serious danger. They can also cause legal issues. As a result, the father’s status collapses. His reputation is damaged in their social circle. He experiences career damage and a loss of confidence.
This then means that the extremely co-dependent wife is at times the sole earner. She tries to keep everything together. You would think that, as the patriarch, he would be ashamed of this. Instead, it becomes a tool of exploitation. He becomes a docile tyrant. He is not capable of providing as before. Yet, he still demands to be the main gatekeeper in the household. He insists on making financial decisions that he is no longer in a position to make. At this stage, it is no longer a patriarchy. It is more of a matriarchy because the wife tries to hold everything together. The foundations are shaky. It is a very conflicting experience because the wife feels more like a mother instead of a wife. From my personal experience, they also would feel like a single parent.
The narcissistic father’s spouse is ‘the head of the house through labor and servitude. Yet, they are not the true head. They do the heavy lifting but do not have the final say. Also, the narcissistic father takes no accountability or responsibility for their actions. This is not a patriarchy. As a result, the father loses the respect from their sons. He becomes a contrast to the man he portrayed himself to be during their childhood. This was no longer a nuclear family built on patriarchy. Instead, it collapsed and became a matriarchy with no boundaries or substance.
Respect for oneself is key to inspiring others to do the same for you. It makes a lot of logical sense. Unfortunately, not everyone would see it that way. No matter how you carry yourself, there will still be individuals who do not respect you.
A big mistake many male black sheep make is trying to gain approval from toxic family members. They have a strong wish to be liked. For nearly half my life, I was a big culprit of this. I realized I was operating from a faulty, dysfunctional system. Not only does it result in getting less approval, but also less respect. You see, in a toxic narcissistic family, the goal is to keep you on a hamster wheel. Always running but with no clear purpose. The goal is for them to justify respecting you less while your own self-respect slips away. This is very unsustainable.
The outcome is to gain your self-respect. Even if toxic individuals don’t want to admit it, they will have to respect you. You convey this through your demeanor and outlook. Narcissistic individuals also behave like children and teenagers. When you have a strong, self-respecting adult frame, you’re sending that message out. It also means you’re showing that you deserve respect. This sounds bad, but you have to use their own logic against them. They have an unreasonable sense of entitlement, so you have to beat them by exuding and commanding respect.
It does not matter if you’re perceived as a bad person. The keyword is ‘perceived’; it is not how you’re, but this is how they would want to frame it. You will get people who would consider you bad or unreasonable. But, gaining more respect can come at a price to reputation. Overall, it does not really matter. In this scenario, it is better to be seen as ‘bad’ and respected. It is preferable to be seen as ‘good’ and without being shown respect.
In the past, I always assumed that if someone said something, it must be true. I also believed that if they said they would do something, it would happen. In my subconscious, I thought it was only partially true since sometimes there can be mixed messages. Later on, I realized it was really clear-cut. I learned this particularly when dealing with narcissistic family members. This lesson helped save me a lot of trouble. You must ignore what people say and watch what they do.
If someone says they love you or that they support you, it is not about how often they say it. What matters is how often those actions actually follow through. If someone offers to help you and this never materializes, their actions speak louder than their words.
I would say this works well in all types of relationships and different settings. It also weeds out the genuine people from the fake people by managing expectations.
Many people view anger as negative. If you show you’re angry, then it reflects badly on you. Not only that, but it can also be used as a shaming tactic. Toxic individuals often invalidate your experiences, views, and opinions. Even when you have every right to feel the anger.
I am here to tell you, anger, when used in a healthy way, can be the key to moving ahead. It can also help tackle challenges and tasks head on. It goes hand in hand with tolerance. The lower your tolerance for certain things, the more you will manage to assert your anger when needed. In a toxic and narcissistic household unhealthy and unregulated anger is the default. It is used to bully and try to emasculate you. This just leads to shutting down and repressing yourself, and not being to recognize when someone is disrespecting you. If someone is trying to shame anger, what they’re really doing is manipulating you. This doesn’t just start when you are a boy but leaks into your romantic life, friendships and work life.
There come’s a time in a man’s life where you hit a certain threshold and you need to shift gears. The anger is not about getting back at someone. Instead, it’s to put a level of fear in them. Without an ounce of fear (healthy), anyone can cross your boundaries. The problem is narcissistic family members take this to an absolute extreme. They hold onto anger and use it for a long time. It then becomes a way of life. This should not be the goal for you or for your future. Leading with anger permanently will not lead to true happiness. Nevertheless, you can use it to get out of the shadows. Make sure it is controlled and only for a very short period.
“Devalue” can be seen as an ugly word dealing with a narcissistic family. This is because it is weaponized against you. It isn’t just meant to make you feel bad and to demonize you as a man. It is also made to feel that your development and growth as a man is wrong and disruptive.
I want to clarify that this is factually incorrect. You are just being yourself. You are not part of the dysfunction going on. They devalued you because they need you in a certain role. This role supports the illusion in the narcissistic family. Since you do not comply, it sends an immediate threat, which makes them perceive you as dangerous. You should accept the devaluing behavior, as this means you’re probably doing something right. At first, if you’re very young, it does not make sense. Still, it will gradually make sense later on as you mature through establishing your own moral code.
Instead, you should avoid playing into the games. Call out the dysfunctional behavior for what it is, whether it is hypocrisy or boundary violations. It reduces the guilt that they try to plant in your head. Over time, you become an expert in devaluing dysfunction. This skill can be applied when you are on a date. It is useful during a meeting. It is also beneficial when in a group with other people.
I will conclude this post by reminding you to ‘value those who value you. At the same time, devalue those who devalue you. The latter just implies you indirectly highlighted their weakness.
This is a slight expansion on my YouTube video from Tuesday. It touches on something I have observed a lot in the past. I think it deserves more than a video on it. It is the idea of narcissistic people and helping. All of them do this to a certain degree, but they do it in very cryptic and unique ways. They do this to get what they want, which is people to admire them and think that they’re good people. The reasons are much darker in the context of very close relationships. This includes relationships with family and very close friends.
They do this to exert control, to make you doubt yourself and your capabilities. It is also to show that you’re a constant burden that needs their help forever. In terms of being a male who is scapegoated, it is used to undermine your growing development. For instance, the ‘help’ they offered you as a child was less intense. Sometimes, it was completely non-existent. This isn’t a surprise, as these types of people only care about themselves. But, in some contexts, as you grow into a man, they suddenly want to be more involved. They also want to be more helpful as you become independent. On other occasions, they make this into a big deal, and it’s something you’re indebted to them forever. I will explain next how they do this.
Firstly, they do this through a covert method, which I have called ‘ The Infantilizing Soft Dominance’. This is where a narcissistic family member tries to interfere with your life and give unsolicited advice. They try to help you with simple tasks or situations that you could easily do yourself. There is also a condescending mother-like tone that they use. Within this context, it is usually an older female family member. For example, a mom, grandma, or aunt. In some other cases, it can also be a male in your life who acts like this. They often have more covert narcissistic traits and can include people like a sibling or a close friend. The common denominator with all these people is that their behaviors are driven by low self-esteem. They also have a need to feel important and wanted. That’s why it’s best to calmly and clearly assert boundaries against these types of people.
The next way their ‘help’ is expressed is what I call ‘The Burdened Martyrdom Trap’. They do help, but it is often when you ask for it. When they do offer to help, they do want you to ‘smell the exhaust’ of their effort. They would even insist on helping even if you decide to decline later on. They do express their displeasure by showing a short temper, heavy sighing, and grunting. There is also a discipline-like tone with these types of people. For example, think of an emotionally abusive father, an unhelpful manager at work, or a strict sports coach. They like to hang the concept of ‘help’ over your head. It feels like you owe them for life, regardless of how they treat you. They also like to try to emasculate you. These types of people easily smell weakness and exploit it. They’re operating on a level of insecurity, resentment, and internal emotional battles they’re unwilling to face. I say it is best to fully stand up for yourself, even if it looks like you’re being mean. Nonetheless, the smarter choice is to avoid this type at all costs.
I recently did a Youtube video this past Friday. In it, I discussed that when you break free, you experience different and conflicting types of communication. These come from the overt and covert toxic narcissists you grew up with or who raised you.
In some scenarios, you finally go no contact. The more overt person tries to use hoovering to bait you back in. They pretend to change and try to act like you’re being unreasonable. If this fails they become more aggressive in their tone and communication. It would consist of angry voicemails and long winded emails and texts. After some time, you hardly hear from them again. It as if they have just vanished. They sporadically return.
On the other hand, more covert individuals try to keep reaching out. They adopt a non-aggressive, calm, and casual demeanor. They act as if you speak to them regularly. It feels like you are just picking up from where you left off. Some of them would find an excuse just to contact you like happening to be in the same area. At other times, they can increase the level of contact. This does not necessarily happen every day or even every week. It can occur once a month or on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. As I mentioned on my Youtube video, their expectations are more deluded. They are unrealistic about the chances of you reciprocating.
That is it for now. Stay tuned for my next video this coming Friday @SonintheShadows where I discuss this in Part 2.
In narcissistic families, the scapegoat role is rarely about fairness — it’s about control. Traditionally, people assume the family resents the scapegoat because he displays traits they secretly wish they had: confidence, strength, independence. And yes, that’s part of the story. But there’s another, often-overlooked reason: the scapegoat refuses to show the illusion they’ve built for themselves.
For a male scapegoat, this rejection can feel even more dangerous to them. In their world, you’re not supposed to have boundaries. You’re supposed to bend. You should smooth over conflict. You are expected to protect the family image at your own expense. When you stop doing that, you start to say “no.” You start to focus on your own needs without guilt. You’re no longer a safe mirror for their ego.
And that’s when the claws come out.
It’s not always about you being “difficult.” It’s about you no longer being useful to the fantasy they’re selling themselves and everyone else. A male scapegoat who stops people-pleasing becomes an uncomfortable reminder that real self-respect doesn’t depend on constant approval. You become proof that you can survive — even thrive — without their validation.
They don’t just lose control over you. They lose the comfort of the illusion that everyone buys into their version of reality. And instead of respecting your independence, they double down — harsher words, more subtle jabs, sometimes outright smear campaigns.
But here’s the truth they don’t want you to realize. Once you’ve broken free from the role, you can’t be put back in it. This only happens if you choose to step back in. Standing firm is an act they can’t bear to witness. This includes setting boundaries, saying no, and protecting your mental space.
When you think of burnout, you think of the general physical tiredness—being incapable of continuing, having no energy. But this type of burnout goes deeper. It’s the kind that hits your soul. Especially if you’re the male scapegoat in a narcissistic family, you know exactly what I mean.
You were expected to be strong—but not too strong. Independent—but only in the ways they approved of. Emotional—but only when it served their narrative. It’s the emotional whiplash of being raised in a system that constantly shifted the goalposts. One day, you were “too soft.” The next, “too cold.” You were told to speak up—then punished when you did. Told to take responsibility—then blamed for things far outside your control.
Over time, that confusion turns to exhaustion.
Burnout for male scapegoats doesn’t just come from doing too much. It comes from being too much in a system that demanded you shrink. Being authentic, having integrity, and refusing to play along with the dysfunction—all of that takes energy. And when you’ve been doing it since childhood, the toll catches up. You start wondering if it’s even worth it. Should you keep fighting for peace when chaos has always been your default environment?
But here’s the truth: it is worth it. Not because they’ll ever change. But because you deserve a life that’s yours.
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish. Choosing rest doesn’t make you weak. And rebuilding your life—even if it’s brick by brick—is the strongest thing you can do.
Even in the exhaustion, even in the confusion—keep going. You’re not broken. You’re burnt out from surviving a lifetime of mixed messages. And that, in itself, proves your strength.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 