You have done the tough part. You have cut off all toxic and narcissistic family members. You have set clear boundaries. You have a life free from their negative influence and behaviors. Then, suddenly, a new variable is introduced. It is the new additions, the future generation.
This would involve when you decide to have children. Also, the future children of other family members, like siblings and cousins. Since you became wise to their games and manipulation trips, they have lost leverage over you. Since they become volatile over time, they burn bridges that are very hard to reinstate. The next default setting is to make attempts by gaining access to you via a proxy. It is very much like how they would use flying monkeys to gather information from you. If they can’t hoover you back in, they use children as a way to dangle candy your way. It would involve getting back in contact with you to announce that someone is expecting. You would hear their fake excitement when they announce that you’re going to be an uncle. Another tactic they use is to pry into your own life and find out if you have any children.
As harsh as this sounds, the best thing to do is to ignore it. They show you pregnancy scans and newborn pictures to try to get you back. They’re trying to use a fake moral compass; surely no one will ignore a newborn baby. They see this as a way to get back into your life. It is not genuine. Besides, the newborn baby has no agency. They can mold them to whatever they want. It is like how they were brought up and became who they are, unfortunately.
It is easy to feel like the black sheep. You internalize a lot of blame. At times, you will also think that everything is your fault. You seem to feel like you’re running a hamster wheel. You are unsure of where it ends. You don’t know where you’re actually heading. This is a common theme with narcissistic and toxic family members. They want to keep you guessing. They want you to question what you need to do next. A lot of the time, this happens because they’re never really satisfied with anything. More importantly, they don’t truly know what they want from life.
But to try and find what they want, they use you as a prop to fulfill that void. It is very dysfunctional and unsustainable. They use coercive tactics. They group together to mold you into the way they think you should be. This is done through making you overly compliant and very polite to a fault. They guilt-trip you by conditioning you to fall more into your feminine frame rather than the masculine. It makes you seem non-threatening and harmless. They also want to make you be overly selfless. They lack those traits themselves. Hence, they need you to have them to feel better about themselves. Also since you’re related to them, it reflects positively on them to the outside world.
They exaggerate certain traits to emphasize their importance. They need you far more than you need them. This is a very deceitful way to coerce someone. Yet, down the line, you don’t take it personally. You recognize the games being played. They eventually do this to the Golden child as well.
Respect for oneself is key to inspiring others to do the same for you. It makes a lot of logical sense. Unfortunately, not everyone would see it that way. No matter how you carry yourself, there will still be individuals who do not respect you.
A big mistake many male black sheep make is trying to gain approval from toxic family members. They have a strong wish to be liked. For nearly half my life, I was a big culprit of this. I realized I was operating from a faulty, dysfunctional system. Not only does it result in getting less approval, but also less respect. You see, in a toxic narcissistic family, the goal is to keep you on a hamster wheel. Always running but with no clear purpose. The goal is for them to justify respecting you less while your own self-respect slips away. This is very unsustainable.
The outcome is to gain your self-respect. Even if toxic individuals don’t want to admit it, they will have to respect you. You convey this through your demeanor and outlook. Narcissistic individuals also behave like children and teenagers. When you have a strong, self-respecting adult frame, you’re sending that message out. It also means you’re showing that you deserve respect. This sounds bad, but you have to use their own logic against them. They have an unreasonable sense of entitlement, so you have to beat them by exuding and commanding respect.
It does not matter if you’re perceived as a bad person. The keyword is ‘perceived’; it is not how you’re, but this is how they would want to frame it. You will get people who would consider you bad or unreasonable. But, gaining more respect can come at a price to reputation. Overall, it does not really matter. In this scenario, it is better to be seen as ‘bad’ and respected. It is preferable to be seen as ‘good’ and without being shown respect.
In the modern world, most people learn to ‘bite their tongue.’ This is especially true for men. They are taught to just go with the flow. If you go against this, it is considered to be too abrasive and inconsiderate. You see this a lot in friend circles, romantic relationships, work settings, and religious communities.
But in the narcissistic family, the ‘boat’ is a cage. It is used to keep people locked in. They have no way of getting out. I have also observed that this works on very small children. It works on the women as well. They have no way of defending themselves. But as a man, you’re naturally more assertive and can defend yourself. This is seen as a threat, and the goal is that you do not leave their control and influence. This situation is not sustainable. Men have an ego. To use this healthily, they need to give their opinions and have their own preferences. It will seem difficult to ‘rock the boat’. You will initially feel like a bad person. Nevertheless, from my personal experience, people respect you more. They see you as more genuine and authentic.
Plus, speaking your mind will make you feel better and increase your self-esteem. This is because you will have no regrets. This is opposed to months or even years down the line when you regretted staying silent. Malignant and toxic people will not be pleased when you refuse to be quiet. Yet, deep down, they respect this. It also explains why a lot of narcissistic people treat each other poorly. No one speaks out or leaves.
I also realized that people who generally like you and appreciate you being in their life will respond positively. They would not react negatively to you speaking your mind. It really is a test of who is genuine and who appreciates you for who you really are.
Many people view anger as negative. If you show you’re angry, then it reflects badly on you. Not only that, but it can also be used as a shaming tactic. Toxic individuals often invalidate your experiences, views, and opinions. Even when you have every right to feel the anger.
I am here to tell you, anger, when used in a healthy way, can be the key to moving ahead. It can also help tackle challenges and tasks head on. It goes hand in hand with tolerance. The lower your tolerance for certain things, the more you will manage to assert your anger when needed. In a toxic and narcissistic household unhealthy and unregulated anger is the default. It is used to bully and try to emasculate you. This just leads to shutting down and repressing yourself, and not being to recognize when someone is disrespecting you. If someone is trying to shame anger, what they’re really doing is manipulating you. This doesn’t just start when you are a boy but leaks into your romantic life, friendships and work life.
There come’s a time in a man’s life where you hit a certain threshold and you need to shift gears. The anger is not about getting back at someone. Instead, it’s to put a level of fear in them. Without an ounce of fear (healthy), anyone can cross your boundaries. The problem is narcissistic family members take this to an absolute extreme. They hold onto anger and use it for a long time. It then becomes a way of life. This should not be the goal for you or for your future. Leading with anger permanently will not lead to true happiness. Nevertheless, you can use it to get out of the shadows. Make sure it is controlled and only for a very short period.
Being a male scapegoat, it is easy to think that growing up in this environment would have subpar living standards. One might always assume it would be in a state of poverty or crisis. This is not the case at all. Some individuals do grow up in hard situations. But many guys in this dysfunctional scenario often grow up in comfortable and sometimes affluent backgrounds.
This is the main point I want to get across in this post. Living luxuriously or coming from a lot of money just prolongs being around narcissistic and toxic parents. First of all, most people would assume you were provided with good clothes. They would think you attended a nice school and had an abundance of material possessions. But a lot of narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves, which isn’t a surprise. Narcissistic fathers see their sons as extensions of themselves. Sons are the ones to carry the family name, so they expect them to be a particular way. This is especially the case if the father is a high-profile man.
Behind the glamorous life, nice home, and good family image, the son suffers silently. This occurs because they’re not given room to be themselves. They only serve their parents and, in some cases, their siblings. How can someone appreciate a good life if they’re also not allowed to prosper internally? For those who do not know what really goes on, this would be seen as ungrateful. Then again, I could ask, how could such a son manage to navigate the real world? How can he grow and learn when they’re constantly spoon-fed? The result is you don’t have a man who has grown. Instead, you have someone who is internally stuck as a child despite outwardly appearing as a full-grown man.
This is also why the more financially successful and wholesome a narcissistic family appears, the worse they can sometimes be. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. They’re the perfect example of ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’. So remember this: what may look good to others on the outside can also hide the realities faced.
“Devalue” can be seen as an ugly word dealing with a narcissistic family. This is because it is weaponized against you. It isn’t just meant to make you feel bad and to demonize you as a man. It is also made to feel that your development and growth as a man is wrong and disruptive.
I want to clarify that this is factually incorrect. You are just being yourself. You are not part of the dysfunction going on. They devalued you because they need you in a certain role. This role supports the illusion in the narcissistic family. Since you do not comply, it sends an immediate threat, which makes them perceive you as dangerous. You should accept the devaluing behavior, as this means you’re probably doing something right. At first, if you’re very young, it does not make sense. Still, it will gradually make sense later on as you mature through establishing your own moral code.
Instead, you should avoid playing into the games. Call out the dysfunctional behavior for what it is, whether it is hypocrisy or boundary violations. It reduces the guilt that they try to plant in your head. Over time, you become an expert in devaluing dysfunction. This skill can be applied when you are on a date. It is useful during a meeting. It is also beneficial when in a group with other people.
I will conclude this post by reminding you to ‘value those who value you. At the same time, devalue those who devalue you. The latter just implies you indirectly highlighted their weakness.
This is a slight expansion on my YouTube video from Tuesday. It touches on something I have observed a lot in the past. I think it deserves more than a video on it. It is the idea of narcissistic people and helping. All of them do this to a certain degree, but they do it in very cryptic and unique ways. They do this to get what they want, which is people to admire them and think that they’re good people. The reasons are much darker in the context of very close relationships. This includes relationships with family and very close friends.
They do this to exert control, to make you doubt yourself and your capabilities. It is also to show that you’re a constant burden that needs their help forever. In terms of being a male who is scapegoated, it is used to undermine your growing development. For instance, the ‘help’ they offered you as a child was less intense. Sometimes, it was completely non-existent. This isn’t a surprise, as these types of people only care about themselves. But, in some contexts, as you grow into a man, they suddenly want to be more involved. They also want to be more helpful as you become independent. On other occasions, they make this into a big deal, and it’s something you’re indebted to them forever. I will explain next how they do this.
Firstly, they do this through a covert method, which I have called ‘ The Infantilizing Soft Dominance’. This is where a narcissistic family member tries to interfere with your life and give unsolicited advice. They try to help you with simple tasks or situations that you could easily do yourself. There is also a condescending mother-like tone that they use. Within this context, it is usually an older female family member. For example, a mom, grandma, or aunt. In some other cases, it can also be a male in your life who acts like this. They often have more covert narcissistic traits and can include people like a sibling or a close friend. The common denominator with all these people is that their behaviors are driven by low self-esteem. They also have a need to feel important and wanted. That’s why it’s best to calmly and clearly assert boundaries against these types of people.
The next way their ‘help’ is expressed is what I call ‘The Burdened Martyrdom Trap’. They do help, but it is often when you ask for it. When they do offer to help, they do want you to ‘smell the exhaust’ of their effort. They would even insist on helping even if you decide to decline later on. They do express their displeasure by showing a short temper, heavy sighing, and grunting. There is also a discipline-like tone with these types of people. For example, think of an emotionally abusive father, an unhelpful manager at work, or a strict sports coach. They like to hang the concept of ‘help’ over your head. It feels like you owe them for life, regardless of how they treat you. They also like to try to emasculate you. These types of people easily smell weakness and exploit it. They’re operating on a level of insecurity, resentment, and internal emotional battles they’re unwilling to face. I say it is best to fully stand up for yourself, even if it looks like you’re being mean. Nonetheless, the smarter choice is to avoid this type at all costs.
It is officially 2026, and we’re now in the last year of the mid-2020s. Most people are planning and talking. They discuss what they want to achieve. They talk about what they want to do. They consider what they want to experience. Then they think about where they want to go and what they want to change.
A dark cloud suddenly hangs above their head. They think about the last year. They look at what went wrong. They review the mistakes made. They ruminate on the goals that were not yet achieved. They ponder the problems that occurred and the bad things that happened. Honestly, this is a completely natural thing to do, and it’s something I often find myself doing. But let’s not be too hard on ourselves. Instead, we need to be harder on other things, what I mean is, with what we tolerate. They say patience is a virtue. This is true. Thus, tolerance becomes important. We all have to endure pain, struggle, and stagnation. This is what builds character. But if you’re too tolerant of the wrong things, it becomes a hindrance.
If you become tolerant of certain behaviors from others, especially family members, you send the message that it is okay. You’re indirectly saying that it is acceptable. You are also suggesting that it can continue. This also applies to colleagues and a job you’re not satisfied with. Instead of tolerance being a path to making you feel better, you start to feel worse. You then accept your lot in life and believe you deserve the things you’re tolerated. I find that in this society, we are taught tolerance to a fault, particularly when it comes to people. I feel tolerance for people (depending on the scenario) should be the last priority. As you should build that tolerance for your own life, your own goals, and preferences.
Tolerance can be used as a weapon by others. When you show less tolerance, you become the bad guy. It has nothing to do with being mean or an asshole, but rather less tolerance equals more self-respect. Also, when you become less tolerant, people will then have to rethink how they conduct themselves around you.
As we’re in a New Year, let’s all decide what we’re willing to tolerate. At the same time, we should recognize what we shouldn’t. This makes the difference between a well-spent year and a year wasted.
If you grew up as the male scapegoat in a family led by female narcissists—especially a mother and other key women exhibiting extreme misandry (hatred/contempt for the masculine role)—you lived in an impossible reality.
This family system is a paradox built on a lie: the belief that all men are either dangerous or useless. This trauma-based belief, usually inherited from an abusive or absent father figure, becomes the bedrock of the mother’s emotional structure.
But the central truth of this system is that it doesn’t want you to be either strong or weak. It needs you to be perpetually stuck in between, serving its control.
🎭 The Impossible Double-Bind
The misandric female narcissist (M-FN) places the male in a devastating no-win situation. The contradiction is stark: they demand subservience and compliance, yet they utterly despise men who meet those demands.
Demand 1: Be Subservient and Safe
The M-FN requires men to be passive, compliant, and emotionally available for control. This is the survival strategy for a woman who spent decades fearing male authority.
The Problem: A man who fully complies and never asserts independence proves the M-FN’s contemptuous belief that men are weak and spineless. She demands this behavior but secretly despises it, as it confirms her own lack of respect for him.
Demand 2: Be Strong (But Never Independent)
Deep down, the M-FN’s innate psychological wiring still craves a partner or male figure who embodies strength, independence, and protection.
The Problem: When the son (the scapegoat) naturally matures into an emotionally healthy, principled, and autonomous male, he becomes the system’s greatest threat. His self-respect and boundaries are seen as a hostile act of abandonment and a direct challenge to her control.
The result? You are punished for being weak, and you are punished more severely for being strong. This is the cage.
🎯 The Son: The Living Proxy of the Enemy
Why is the son the primary target of this misandry and contempt?
The Physical Reminder: The son is a biological reminder of the man (or men) who inflicted the original trauma or abandonment. That deep-seated fear and hatred for the male gender is displaced onto the easiest, most accessible male target: the child.
The Contempt Shield: For other women in the family, the “Mrs. Independent, Men Are Useless” front is a contempt shield. It justifies their failure to maintain healthy relationships and allows them to gain supply via pity and superiority. The healthy, autonomous male exposes the lie of their shield.
The Plotting Paradox: You will see the M-FNs ally with predictable male narcissists in the family. This is not out of trust; it is out of utility. They will use the known evil (the dysfunctional male) to attack the uncontrollable threat (the emotionally healthy male) because they would rather cling to a controlled tragedy than face an autonomous reality.
💥 The Inevitable Downfall of the Matriarch
The only way to win this game is to recognize that the system is doomed.
I recently observed this in my own mother’s desperate, repeated attempts to contact me after significant life changes. She lost the structure that protected her facade, which exacerbated her neediness and proved that all the life achievements couldn’t fill the internal void.
The Lesson: Narcissistic misery is not a passing phase; it is the inevitable final chapter for those who choose fear, control, and contempt over genuine human connection. They get worse and more pathetic with age because they destroy every support system they have.
Your Path to Freedom
The moment you recognize this double-bind, you step outside the cage. Your actions are your greatest defense:
No Reaction is Supply Denied: Your silence, especially to things like the wrong name, is the strongest possible boundary.
Claim Your Identity: Actions like going No Contact, changing your name, and maintaining silence are the ultimate declarations that you are no longer the person they seek to control.
Choose Sovereignty: You are not responsible for their misery, their trauma, or their narrative. By choosing emotional health, you become the uncontrollable threat that eventually forces their system to collapse—but you are safe outside of the rubble.
Son in the Shadows: "Navigating Life as the Black Sheep of Narcissistic Parents" 